So I survived the Christmas Holidays. Barely. But do I get a badge for at the very least not getting arrested for losing my shit in Wal Mart?
[editor’s note: I have not been arrested at a Wal Mart, I have been asked to leave one. TWICE. Same store. But they were very well mannered in their request…]
I have decided that it all begins and ends in my world at a Wal Mart. Take the holiday for instance, this one, was a blog writing itself.
Let’s see, Christmas Eve, I decide to finish my last minute shopping at, you got it, Wal Mart. On Christmas Eve. In the afternoon.
Yes, I am that crazy. Some people like extreme sports, I go for the full monty…
Folks.are.crazy. Not like amusing crazy or talking to themselves crazy, but I mean crazy, like “I-will-cut-you-if-you-take-that-last-package-of-tube-socks” crazy. However, NO ONE was hanging out of their shirts, pants, lack of pants, lack of shirt, crazy hair, unbathed, etc…nothing to post on POWM. damnit…I think I need to lower my standards and quit shopping in the “upscale” Wal Marts…I need entertainment….
I tried to get in and out quickly. Yet, I find that I am surround by buggies driven by possessed people. You know the ones, with the glazed over look in their eyes. I try to be as polite as possible, moving out of the way, only to get cut off AND the stink eye.
It’s all well and good, I stay off my cell phone, keep both hands on my buggy and signal when making a turn.
then it happens.
some bitch FIRST runs into my heel…then in going around me and giving me the stink eye, RUNS OVER MY DAMN FOOT!!!! not nice.
so I lose my shit. In Wal Mart. Are you suprised?
At that point, I just take the offense and battle it out, I will cut someone off, dole out my own stink eye and beat you to the check out line…sucker!!!!
ahhhhh….done. Yet, there is the drive home. In the snow. Which people in my parts are not used to seeing, much less driving in. So it’s much like bumper cars out there and lots of honking and stink eye.
So, the actual Christmas Day was pretty uneventful. We were worried that the three pups were gonna end up in some sort of quivering mass as there were kids and extra adults and lots of presents and noise to be had. But the pups were troopers…the most well behaved of the lot.
I did have the pleasure of having the Daughter stay with me for the week. It was wonderful and sweet, I cannot wait to move back to Dallas so I can see her beautiful face everyday. (SOMEONE PRINT THIS AND HOLD FOR EMERGENCY SITUATIONS….such as when she leaves clothes, towels, shoes on the floor…I need to be reminded that I SAID IT!!!)
The Daughter did bring with her every article of clothing, every towel, every sheet and sock that she owned to be washed. My poor washer and dryer may quit on me. It took three days to get it all done and she still left garments behind. *sigh* how I miss her!!!
So, we had the Mother, the Sister and the Respondent all in the same room and my head didn’t explode. Which is a sign of progress, yes? Don’t get me wrong, it was a holiday, so there’s always something right? but this time, everyone took a blood oath that we would get along for at least one whole day. Seemed to work….gues my threat of cutting everyone out of my will and leaving them only the Son and Daughter to care for worked, because we made it with no tears, bloodshed or estrangements.
I did however, open my yap and end up sleeping on the floor. In my own home. Go figure. I offered my room to the Sister and the Niece without consulting the other half and well, we ended up “camping”…I have yet to recover, the Sister, however, now covets my bed.
Got to see the bestie this weekend, the day after Christmas…Kenner lives too far away for my liking, but close enough for weekend trips. I love to spend anytime I can with her and this time, she met Kris (Just Kris) for the first time. I think she likes Kris (Just Kris) better than me.
After dinner with the bestie, the Respondent decided to call and have us stop by where he works so he can see the Boy. Since we were so close, we went. It’s a private club and it’s close by, he’s tending bar for the evening when we get there and there’s about 12 folks in there. I know one. Have known her for years and years. Kris (Just Kris) knows NO ONE.
Remember that NO.ONE.IN.THE.BAR.
By the time we get ready to leave, Kris (Just Kris) has (1) met everyone and knows anniversaries (2) looked at some guys wedding photos of his daughter (3) put into the FOOTBALL POT and (4) had somone walk up, proclaim “I KNOW you!!!” and hug her. (This same person looked at me 20 seconds later and said “I don’t know you!!!”)
She’s never stepped foot in this place.
Now, lest you think I forgot, this story began with a Wal Mart excursion….it should end with one…
Typically, I avoid all after holiday shopping LIKE THE PLAGUE. But this year, oh no….Kris (Just Kris) decided that we needed new pillows. So at MIDNIGHT after dinner with Kenner and a robust evening with the Respondent, I get to head BACK TO A DAMN WAL MART to shop for pillows…
oh, it gets better….
the FIRST Wal Mart we go to, doesn’t have KING size pillows and she can’t have smaller ones. But we do find a few things we need, so we check out with the other 3 dozen people in ONE LINE at midnight…waiting for the inevitable trip to Wal Mart #2…at midnight….but I digress.
We get to Wal Mart #2 in the frigid cold and it’s pretty empty. We get the king size pillows after a lively discussion over Firm, Quilted, Feather and Down Alternative options.
Each point of discussion ended with a pillow upside someone’s head. Which was alot of fun, until it landed upside MY head. Thank you Son…
Then it was game on…
We couldn’t get down an aisle without the Son or Kris (Just Kris) pelting each other with a pillow or whoever else might be standing there (sorry Wal Mart employee trying to stock housewares, didn’t mean to knock the stuff off the shelf, blame the Son, not lack of parenting).
Apparently, my genetic code says something about getting scolded at Wal Mart, that I need to hear it….
Because as we were leaving, the pillows were flying and I hear the greeter say…”Please don’t do that in the store, someone could get hurt. Settle down!” (I wasn’t even carrying a pillow…the other two yahoos had them and didn’t hear her or get her stink eye. That was reserved just.for.me.)
Yes, the Wal Mart greeter, in her ear muffs and mittens….at midnight….showed me the door.