Not that I am a parenting guru by any stretch of the imagination, trust me, I will screw it up ten times more than the normal person…but I truly, truly live and breathe for my kids. They are the best part of me and unfortunately, they know it. Damnit.
I have however learned a few lessons along the way and who am I to withhold the things I have figured out…I only hope they help some other poor sap, er, parent before it’s too late.
- Kids are only cute when they are infants. Once they are able to get around on their own, whether it’s crawling as babies, tottering around as toddlers or crawling as teenagers, it.is.over. You will never catch them. You will never keep up. Just park on the side of the road and hope they come back for you at some point.
- They are bottomless pits for all food groups unhealthy. The moment you introduce an apple or green bean to their diet, they are stuffed. Try wrapping the apple or green bean in nacho cheese, this seems to work. Until they catch on.
- Always keep nacho cheese in the house, as stated above, it can be used for a multitude of things; much like WD40 or a mother’s spit.
- Children are allergic to chores. Specifically any chore involving sweeping, dusting, picking up, sorting, bending, exerting, wiping, mopping, loading, unloading, folding or putting away. Children will go to great lengths, including doctor’s notes, faking death or running away to avoid any and all things chore-worthy.
- It doesn’t matter if it’s a sock on the floor or a pile of clothing that is 12 feet high…they will walk around it, through it, over it or if necessary tunnel under it. They will not pick it up. See above.
- The only time a child will clean ANYTHING check for your wallet, your car keys and your kidney…something is missing or something is wanted. It’s up to you to figure out which thing it is.
- All My Children, As the World Turns and The Hills combined do not have 1/10th of the drama that high school juniors have. Save yourself the trouble, get Valium, vodka and a therapist on speed dial quickly.
- If you pay for play, aka allowance…be prepared, children are like loan sharks. They will want the vig the moment it’s due and if you are 10 seconds late, there is a 200% interest fee attached. For every 15 seconds after that, kneecaps are gonna be broken.
- Be prepared to keep your hand outstretched with at minimum a $20 bill. If you have anything less, they will stare at you until you are uncomfortable and coughing up a lung to sell on the black market. (You already gave your kidneys up…)
- Be ready at a moments notice to iron an outfit, construct a science fair project, run to the library, transport them everywhere…children don’t plan ahead for anything other than the next weekend. Homework is an afterthought…so is clean laundry.
- Never tell them you hate who they hang out with, who they date, what they wear or what they listen to…trust me. Reverse psychology doesn’t work either. Just turn your head, avoid eye contact and absolutely LIE through your teeth when they ask you if you like it.
- There is no such thing as too much eyeliner, too short shorts or too much bronzer. Leave it be.
- Never like their music. Or their movies. Or their TV shows. Never try to sing along to the radio or quote the shows. You will sound like a tool.
- Don’t bother with the “Texts from Last Night” or “FML” websites. Don’t mention the funny things you see on YouTube. you are square, you are lame and nothing you read, listen to or experience it will change that.
- They will NEVER comprehend life before the internet, cell phones, IPods or reality TV. Riding your bike until dark or jumping rope until your legs are falling off are completely foreign concepts.
- Never admit to being in Marching Band. Ever. Trust me.
- You will never be cool.
- Nothing will make a hurt knee, hurt feeling, broken heart or upset tummy feel better than a mommy or daddy’s loving touch. It can heal a heart, soothe a tear and band-aid a knee better than any imaginable force.
- They will need you every step of the way.
You will also never love, cry, laugh, yell or LIVE more than you will through your children. Enjoy it. Think I am gonna go hug my little tax deductions right about now.