Rules of Concert Going

You know, there should be rules for everything.  From driving a car, raising a child, wearing open toe sandals to appropriate work attire and concert going.

 I think I have had more than my say on many of these subjects, but I have not touched on the Rules of Concert Going.

 Until now.

 Folks, do us ALLLLL a favor and just simply follow a few small, yet easily accomplished rules.  It will enhance the concert going experience for us all.  I submit:

  1.  Make sure you have your ticket.  Preferably purchased prior to concert going experience.  JUST a suggestion.
  2. Always go with a group of friends. 
  3. Send your one friend that is always on time ahead to the venue to scope seating.  While the rest of you take the next three hours to get ready, they will ensure that your seats are safely monitored and if it is a lawn concert, they will make sure you have plenty of room.
  4. If you are an aspiring artist…taking your guitar and playing along with the artist is not truly appreciated by anyone.  Leave your guitar and (my favorite) your tambourine at home…or someone is gonna kick your ass for ruining their favorite song. 
  5. If said concert is a lawn concert, there is a SUB set of rules.
    1. Bring your own blanket.  If you decide that the blanket is bulky and “too heavy” then choose to stand in front of me and my friends on our blanket and block our view, it won’t be pretty.  Trust me.
    2. Oh….and don’t move ten feet away and stand and glare at us.  We are lesbians; we are used to being glared at.  You will miss your mark.  COMPLETELY.
  6.   As you will be taking your shoes off, wash your feet.  I don’t want to stare at your ugly, smelly toes if it can at all be helped.
  7. Bring bug spray.  Scented, but bring it. 
  8. Deodorant.  It’s not just for the morning anymore.  Use it; aplenty if you are gonna sweat.  I don’t want to smell you.

Now attire for a concert is always an experience.  So I will submit the following rules for concert attire.  Please follow lest you sit around me, walk by me or are anywhere in my line of vision, because if you look stupid, I will point, laugh and mock you until you cry.  Truly, it’s not nice, it’s a disease and I am seeking help for it.

  1.  It is not necessary to “whore it up” for a concert.  Seriously, I see less flesh in the shower. 
  2. The cowboy boots and shorts are only cute on 6 year olds or teeny tiny girls that have the legs that can rock said combination.  Keep your “ample” pasty legs out of the cowboy boots and shorts outfit.  You look like a sausage and it’s not pretty.
  3. It’s not necessary to wear every ounce of perfume that you own.  There is a hole in the ozone layer and that shit isn’t helping.  Any of us.  Thankyouverymuch.
  4. Bras ARE encouraged.  Especially once gravity has gotten ahold of your 46 triple G’s. 
  5. So is underwear.
  6. Hi-evah…said bras and underwear should be worn as UNDERWEAR.  Not EVER as OUTERWEAR.  I don’t need to see you dancing around in your sports bra and boxer briefs.  Not ever.  And not directly in front of me.  It’s gross and well, we will take your picture and post it on the internet in a blog.   (whoops…)


 Finally and actually as rules go, this one seems to be one that should stand up to all situations. 

 #1 with a bullet: 

 Hey, horny drunk couple in front of us.  Getting so drunk that you can’t stand, find each other’s faces, hold a cigarette or beer is never conducive to successful humping in the evening.  Furthermore…  

We don’t want to see your failed attempts at groping, making out, disrobing, dry humping or dirty talk on the grass, in front of us, or the kids, the grandparents or the in-laws.  If I wanna watch porn, I will pay for it, like every other red blooded American…

And buddy, I coulda had her bra unhooked with one hand…keep practicing…you’ll get there.

 Now, if these rules can be followed, to any sort of degree, the concert going experience should be enjoyable for all.  And sometimes, just sometimes, the experience that I pay for shouldn’t include a sideshow…

Oh, who am I kidding…I love the sideshow.

If 60 is the new 40, what does that make me?

So, I turned 40 about a week ago.  So far my head hasn’t caved in, I haven’t turned completely gray nor have I spotted one extra wrinkle.  I dare say, I think my pants even fit looser.

I think I am gonna like this 40’s thing…

I spent a week on the Texas coast with some of my nearest and dearest.  After our debacle of a vacation last year, I did however, decide to forego the family aspect of a vacation and did not share a single solitary strand of DNA with anyone on this trip.

And it was amazing.

I have learned what true, die-hard friends I have.  I have learned how much I love these people and if I could, they would be genetically linked to me.  I could vacation with these people and never have a care in the world.

These folks are awesome-sauce.  (thank you Benny for the rockin’ word!)

Sadly, I have this one question, is the gift that one gives themselves on their 40th birthday the gift of realization?  Does God bestow enlightenment upon you at that precise moment that you turn 40?

Cause I have been realizing things lately that didn’t present themselves to me before.

Such as I am surrounded by some sucky people in my life.  Not all related (close….) and not all friendly.  I am surrounded by people who act as if they have my best intentions and my feelings in mind…then turn around and show me otherwise.

Can you fire your friends and family?  Do I have to pay severance or un-employment? 

I think in my week of 40-year-old knowledge, it’s become apparent that I am too tired to give a shit about the drama that others try to inflict upon me.  Go.away. 

No, I don’t want to have to “break-up” with you.  No, I don’t want to have to explain why we don’t talk anymore.  No I don’t want to explain why you are not now or have ever been invited over.  No.  No.  No.  Just go.away.  There isn’t any need for closure; nothing you say is going to matter.  It hasn’t and it won’t. 

I know that recently I said I was going to live authentically.  To be Authentic Me.  And I am, I am clearing out the cobwebs and throwing a ton of crap out…metaphorically that is. 

And these “leeches” won’t let go.  There isn’t a graceful way to exit a non-working friendship or relationship. 

And just deleting them from Facebook does not count.  Trust me.  I tried.

So I guess going forward, I am gonna be 40 and act 40, which makes me what?  30?  20?  Crap….