Following the logic that 40 is a fresh start for me, I have been doing some deep digging, I mean, looking at me, talking about my faults to well, a fault. Trying to figure out what makes me tick. Why some folks push my buttons and others, I simply choose to walk away from and not even try…
Damn, it’s been a hard long trip and it’s far from over. I do know that I am not quite the turd I thought I was. I do know that I am full of love, full of faith and am basically quite content and happy.
At the end of the day, I want to be able to lay my head down, know that I have lived a loving and faithful life that day. I want to pray that I get to do the same the next day and thank God above for my beloved family, my amazing friends and ask for peace, comfort and forgiveness for all those that have touched my life. Good or bad, I wish nothing but the best for them. The best of what they deserve.
As I live to treasure all that has been given to me, it makes me think, could I do without any of it? If I could trade one singular moment for everything I could ever want, what moment would that be?
Honestly, I can’t pick one.
I have enough. I have more than some, not as much as others, but I have exactly what I need in my life each and every day. I live a charmed, blessed life. And I work hard for it. Understand, it doesn’t mean I don’t strive for more, I strive for better. But it’s not all material. It’s not all about the have and have not…
For me, a true, loyal, honest person trumps any amount of money you can throw at me. Really. I have amazing trust issues that prevent me from completely trusting almost everyone in my life. I trust people to degrees. There are a few, very select few that I have completely opened me up to. Shown them the little guy behind the green curtain. I have to say, all in all…most have not let me down. And I grow to love these people more with every passing day.
The few that have gotten in, gotten close, only to show me that maybe they weren’t the person that I saw, rather, I saw what I needed them to be. And with that knowledge, comes the question, is it wrong of them? Weren’t they true to themselves, being authentic, their own people; I simply chose to put too much worth on the friendship?
This saddens me. That in any instance, my instincts are off. That I have become that “rose-colored glasses” kind of person. For me, my cynicism has always kept me sharp…and for some reason, I let my guard down. (note to self…must work on this…)
It was worth it. It was worth learning the lesson, learning who is truly in my corner. It was worth all the self-doubt, the angst, the hurt and anger.
It’s even worth more that I can put it down, let it go and move toward the people who mean the most to me. To have those moments, those singular, blissful moments surround by love and grace.
That, my friends, is what it’s worth.