Effort-less.

For the unnamed that will get this; that will know what mark I am hitting…this is called closure…and that I am tired of being last place.  I don’t ask for first, but shit, maybe Top Ten or Twenty…hell, I will settle for Top 100…

After all this time, after all the agonizing, all the over-thinking, over-compensating I have done…I have decided that you are a jerk.

Now, I am just angry, hurt and amazed at the lack of loyalty that people have.  Friends?  Really? Pfftp!!!!!

When it’s convenient for them.

When they don’t have to make any fucking effort.

I don’t claim to be the best friend, the best sister, partner or mother…I claim to be me.  I have found that I DO suck in all of these departments at one point or another in my life, but I also have a small circle of friends and family that I will do anything for.  I will be there, as I expect them to be there for me.  And when one or two of these folks fall by the wayside, I will do what I can do make it work.  I will put all kinds of effort into this…I don’t have many, the ones I do have; I want to keep. 

I have been going through a metamorphosis of sorts in the past year. I have found me; I have found that my priorities were screwed up.  Those things that should have been more important to me weren’t.  I have been climbing mountains to fix what I have done to those closest to me.  It’s a painful, heart wrenching, emotional roller coaster and I am taking every bit of responsibility that I need to…and I feel better, stronger and safer now…more than ever before. 

And in the past year, I have been changing.  It’s been a theme in recent posts.  In changing, I have found I have less patience for those that aren’t truly there for me and mine. I have less patience for those who are sitting back in judgment of others and situations that they know absolutely nothing about.  I have less patience for relationships that do not work in my life.

I have decided to quit making such an effort with those people and those relationships where it feels one-sided, it feels unequal, the ones that make me think I did something wrong.  That I am bad…

Less effort into those that don’t care.

For you…
Your total lack of effort to right anything, to talk to me, to try to work on this, hurts.  Your need to be the center of attention in every situation is exhausting.  You no longer get to hurt my feelings, they are mine, not yours to walk all over, get off of them.  NOW!!!

I am sure there is a reason that this has happened.  I will even take some of the blame in this game.  But I won’t take it all.  I listened when you blasted me.  I came back, moved around a bit and told you I would try, you were important to me…that I loved you and wanted you to be right there in my life…your friendship mattered to me.   And I made EVERY effort to show you…

And this is what I get?  Passive aggressive bullshit…seriously…I can see right through it all and it makes me sad for you.  Not me.  You.

So good luck…perhaps if you made more of an effort to maintain your friendships, you wouldn’t have to make such an effort to show EVERYONE that you have moved on. 

That is wasted effort…