You know, there are days, then there are days…
Today, it’s one of those days.
See, mom is back in the hospital. Yep, fourth trip in 30 days. Word to the wise, MRSA is not something you screw with. It’s dark and dangerous and extremely scary. Mom contracted it during a surgery 8 years ago and the infection raged to such an extent, we almost lost her…it’s not fun…
So last Sunday, mom calls me, says she doesn’t feel right, something is wrong and she’s scared. But her friend “Ken” is going to take her to the ER. I call Ken to confirm and find that this is not the case. My Girl and I rearrange the schedule of the day and go pick her up.
It’s bad. We stay with her…me going dark again…and my girl, keeping me up, asking questions and taking care of me and my mom. But mom is safe, they are caring for her and it’s gonna get better…
So I update Ken, tell him what’s going on. We lament that I am doing this, that I don’t have the help I need and if I do need anything from him, to simply call.
After a terse conversation with the sister, where we finally, FINALLY make a breakthrough in all things related to family, I go to bed. Exhausted…emotionally and physically. I give up…the universe has won this round.
Fast forward to the end of the week and I get a text from my sis and let me tell you, this chick is my hero…not only did my feelings, my words hit the spot they were supposed to, she listened and reacted…just like a sister is supposed to. It’s the first time in a long time, we weren’t fighting over who was supposed to do what, who said what….it was nice. She stepped up, took things on that I normally do and just helped….me….how the hell do I adjust to that??!!?!?!?
I love where me and the sister are at this very moment. (Someone, print this sentence, so when I say otherwise, you can shove this up my nose!!!)
Fast forward twenty-four more hours to today…
Once we get up and moving around we decide than instead of going to the hospital FIRST, we are going to get all of our chores done, get things taken care of that are necessary and then go visit with mom, without a list of “chores” hanging over our head, so we can just sit and enjoy our visit.
So we get everything done that we need to…and I get a call from Ken…mom needs some things taken care of, just wanted to give me a heads up, don’t shoot the messenger type thing…we laugh, I tell him it’s already in the plans and we hang up. A quite pleasant conversation. At least in my mind!!!
It’s early evening, we are at the hospital visiting, having a good time. Mom feels good, is getting better, stronger and is clear of infection!!! So we are relaxed, laughing and getting ready to leave when I get this text message (these are word for word, spelling mistakes and all):
So Ken starts with:
“Enuf already it is time for u and your sister (name withheld) to get ur shit together ur her (name withheld) kids and as such need to step up to the plate. I am her friend but have my own head shit and mom to. Deal with that’s why I am disabled. So quit ur whining and do ur job!”
“What is this? We are here now. Been here. Got clothes. Sister is taking care of the laundry. You don’t need to talk to me like this. Ever. I handle more of her shit than you will ever know about.”
Oh, no, Ken’s not done:
“Ira about time first there this week?”
To which I respond:
“Ken, I am not sure why you feel the need to judge anything I do. I do plenty. If you have nothing constructive to say to me, then don’t speak to me.”
Think he’s done? Oh, no:
“Because u girls don’t usually follow through and as ur mothers friend I am in the middle. Delivering laundry when stated coming when u say etc. today a late exception. But someone had to call u. Gold bugs” “Sorry goodnight”
Well, now you have done it…cause I am not taking this shit!:
“Again, I am her daughter and my job is to care for her and I do but not at the expense of my home or my family. Be her friend. Stay out of the middle of things you don’t understand and out of my relationship with my mother and my sister.” “Goodnight”
“hmmm wow u would have loved for me or anyone else to assume the responsiblity of transporting ur mom to the hospital last Sunday that’s the problem with u an d sister u can’t balance family which will always include parents. At it does in most fmaily units why u would thnk otherwise is disgusting.”
Stick a fork in me Chuck…I am done:
“Sweet dreams. Goodnight. Don’t text me again. Period. I won’t contact you again.”
Now, let me make it clear…I am there for every major surgery my mother has. It’s our ritual. I am the last face she sees before she goes back; I walk with her on the gurney as far as they let me. I say a simple sentence to her that is between us and she hands me her glasses. I sit and wait, all day if necessary and I am the first face she sees when she comes out of recovery. Every surgery. It’s been this way since the first knee surgery in 1994. Every surgery.
Let me make it clear, I am my mother’s executor. I hold her medical power of attorney. I hold her financial power of attorney. Her doctors know who I am and will speak to me on her behalf. My mothers best care is PARAMOUNT to me. To my sister…believe it or not…we love her. We want her healthy and to have a long life. I say this so you will understand…this is MY family.
When I say I will not put her ahead of my family, I am stating my children. I know where she is, that she is being cared for and if something happened…they know to call me. If they can’t reach me, they have My Girl and my sister’s number and to start blowing up every number they have. One of us will be there.
I have moved my mother in with me to convalescence. Slept on a couch so she can have my bed…taken care of her when she couldn’t take care of herself. In fact, six years ago, I built out an extra bedroom in my home so she had a place to stay. For 10 months!
Further…I have put family trips, outings, quiet time, homework and dinners on hold to rush her to ER’s, doctor’s appointments, etc. I have taken more time off from work for follow-up appointments than I have for vacations…and all done because she is my mom. As the oldest, it was my job.
I didn’t ask Ken to take mom to the ER. EVER…I asked if he was. That was all.
We were SHOCKED, mother included, when I got these texts tonight. In fact, mom called me an hour ago just to tell me she was sorry. That she was embarrassed and worried that I was upset. I assured her that it wasn’t her. To not be embarrassed and I had let it roll off. That I would blog about it, write it down and let it go…(this seems to be my therapy…your check is in the mail doc!)
See, how I see it is, it doesn’t pay to have a friend speak for someone. Ken put words in my mom’s mouth. “Spoke” for her…only, when you do that…make sure the person you are speaking for, actually knows you are doing it. Otherwise, you look like a tool.
Yes Ken, you look like a tool. Or douchebag…just so you understand fully…it was a jerk move.
It would be different if this was the first time Ken did this. He’s done this several times, put his foot and his mouth into business where it didn’t belong. In my life. Once, telling folks I was battling cancer (I wasn’t, never was, THANK GOD), another almost cost a friend her position in our church by telling a story that apparently I had told him (nevermind I hadn’t spoken to him or seen him in 6 months!) and another to blast me on Facebook about something he was 1,000,000,000% wrong about.
The obsession with being a douchebag in my universe is scary and leaves me wondering what in the hell I have EVER done to him for him to be fixated on causing drama in my life…to cause problems when before he opened his mouth there were no problems.
Each time, I have called him out, told him to quit gossiping and to leave his bullshit at home. Each time, he has apologized and I forgave him…each time, I stayed further and further away from him. At this point, I see him maybe 3 times a year…and those times are only at my mom’s and by sheer accident!
See, now, it’s not gonna pay; cause when you decide to pick the phone up, to call and check on her…it’s best that you call someone else.
My sister and I…we don’t need you and your help.
It’s been great in my world lately. All shiny and bright. Mom is getting better everyday and that makes me happier with each positive report. I can’t wait until she is up and around and spoiling the grandchildren again.
My Girl and kids are awesome on toast. Fair day tomorrow and we are meeting up with the sister, the niece and the boyfriend…it’s gonna be fun.
The job rocks…the Boy is excelling at school and the Daughter is back in college…my faith cup is overflowing and I am grateful and blessed by Him and praise Him with every thought that passes through my mind. I am on the path that leads me where I am supposed to be and I am finally, FINALLY, enjoying the scenery as I pass it…I see this bullshit tonight as a mere puddle on my journey…one that is behind me and put down.
someone pinch me…I must be dreaming!!!