Well, we have hit a new low. It does seem however, that it’s become necessary. Rules seem to make things so much easier. So I submit, the Rules for Public Potty Breaks.
- It’s a public restroom. Remember that. With that being said…you need to treat folks coming and going with a bit of respect and a lot of modesty.
- If your “cube” mate happens to break wind while pottying – you don’t have to “excuse” them, “bless” them or snicker. It’s a private stall for a reason. If you two were sharing a stall, then you could say something…otherwise, zip it. Folks fart…sometimes, it’s like a pressure valve…necessary to relieve…not necessary to mock.
- If you are on your phone when you walk INTO the bathroom….GET OFF THE PHONE upon entering. Not everyone on the other end of the phone needs to hear anything about what you or your neighbor are doing. Plus the acoustics are off…
- If you are NOT on your phone, don’t answer it when it rings. It’s awkward trying to explain what you are doing and again…your neighbor may have performance anxiety and you are disturbing their mojo.
- To the person in the stall…if someone starts speaking, don’t answer unless called by name and even then, it’s a, er, crapshoot…they may have answered the phone and then you look like a tool, talking to someone who isn’t talking back.
- When you walk in alone, and you seen someone you may know…make eye contact, say hello and drop it. If they are going into a stall as you are going out…say hello and drop it. Do not engage in a conversation with this person. There are phones, e-mail and other public places you may pick up where you left off. If they have issues they are dealing with (i.e. the trots) or simply need to be quick, you are slowing them down…and they are not gonna be happy upon exiting.
- If you have small children – for the love of all things holy…teach them the following:
(a) how to NOT lock themselves in the stall. If they are not old enough to understand the essentials of public bathrooms…go with them!
(b) if they do get themselves locked in, teach them not to panic. And scream. Please God, no screaming.
(c) if they do lock themselves in, teach them to crawl out under THE DOOR. not the stall next to them.
(d) teach them to be quiet…as opposed to “Mommy, their potty stinks!” or “Mommy, they sure are taking a long time!” or “Mommy, are they going number two?” yeah…none of this is fun for any of us. And I can wait you out…(true story, this happened to a friend and she walked back in the office in tears. I however, couldn’t stop laughing…yep…I am THAT friend.)
- Before you leave your stall…put your clothes back on. Don’t walk out, buttoning, adjusting, tugging or pulling…you need a mirror? just guess.
- Don’t walk in to a full public restroom and begin knocking on the stall doors thinking you know who is in it. You may not and when I walk out and give you stink eye…don’t hug me and apologize…or better yet…go ‘head…I haven’t washed my hands yet and now…they are on your back…you’re welcome. dick….
- You would think that this one would not need to be written…when you are done…WASH YOUR HANDS. Don’t just run your hands under the water. Apply some soap and rub your palms together vigorously. You aren’t made of sugar, you won’t melt. It’s gross. Just help us all out.
I am thinking that maybe, just maybe…if we all follow these rules…the world will be a better place…or at least you can have some peace and quiet.
Lest you have a scene like this hoisted upon you…(not the Irish assassin…but the Tom Arnold-y type person!)