I miss you.

Hey you,

Thought I would write, since we can’t talk, to catch up a little bit on what’s been going on in my world.  Let you know I am okay and that I think of you often.

I won’t say it’s been easy.  I won’t say that I haven’t been angry.  I will say that it’s been worth the lessons I have had to learn, the strength I have found in me.  The loss of you in my life has been profound.  There’s an empty spot that will never be filled and there are times, that spot, hurts to such a level, I can’t breathe.

But on a daily basis.  I am great.  The family is amazing.  Mom and the sister and I have all learned to love each other, through our faults, through our bizarre OCD tendencies and there is a level of love and respect that you would be proud of. 

The daughter would take your breath away.  She’s beautiful, courageous, mouthy and just like me.  (Quit rolling your eyes!) The son is growing in to such a young man.  They are both so tall already.  I am proud to my core.  They both talk about you and miss you.  I love hearing the stories about you from a child’s perspective.  You were the coolest. 

You know already how my life has changed.  You have watched it.  I gotta tell you, if you knew my Girl, you would really love her.  You would love how she lights up my life and how she makes me shine.  You would be blown away at the respect she shows the kids, the mother, the sister…and the depth of her love of all of us.  Especially me. You would smile at the laughter she puts in my life.  And she would love you…

We are getting married.  Yes, married.  I wish you were here, to witness it.  To be with me on that special day.  Standing next to me.

Oh, how I miss you.  There are times that tears burn my eyes and my emotions choke me.  It’s been too long and there are times I go to pick up the phone, to call, to hear your voice….and I know I can’t.  And in those moments, it rips my heart open. 

Yes, it’s been a while.  A long while.  13 years today, to be exact. 

I miss you, dad. 

Love,
your daughter.

Twenty years to life.

20 years ago tonight, twenty years ago, at this very same time, I was waiting for my world to change. 

20 years ago tonight, at this very same time, I was becoming a mother. 

I was twenty when I had my daughter.  Early in the morning, she will turn the same age I was when I had her.  Twenty.  I can’t imagine changing anything for a moment. 

Well, today, I can’t….two weeks ago, I would have sold her to a carnival or into foreign slavery, whichever had the better offer.  I digress…

My daughter, for all that she is…is amazing.  She is strong, stubborn, funny, infuriating, beautiful and a pain in my ass.  But she is mine.  I have had her nine months longer than anyone else ever will. 

I have a bond to this kid.  It’s the strongest bond I have ever had in my lifetime to another human being.  I don’t like to share her and luckily, I don’t have to.  She is my biggest fan, my biggest adversary and the truest being in my life.

I have said before, when they handed this little lump to me 20 years ago, she looked at me, almost through me, blinked twice and I swear mentally told me “shit, we are in this together, right?”  I instantly and forever fell in love in a way that has changed me.

I knew when I found out I was pregnant, that I would always put this little person, who grew to 6’2″ before anyone else.  And when her brother came along, he too, came before all others.  I have put their needs before mine for so long that when my Girl tells me “do something for yourself,” I can’t comprehend it.  I don’t know how to…I made the choice so long ago to be a mommy…to the best of my mommy abilities, that I fade into the background.

I have protected her, ferociously from those I think will harm her, that will sway her or those that just give me the heebie-jeebies.  She may not understand now when I say, “they aren’t going to stick.  These friends aren’t keepers.” But down the road, she will realize that I was only looking out for her.  For her well-being.  It’s my job.

I see glimpses in her of how amazing she is going to be in the future.  Like I have a momentary crystal ball and it lets me see her, owning the world.  And it takes my breath away.  She is magnetic.  She has a smile that lights up a room and demands attention.  She is life electric.

Daughter of mine….I am prouder of you than you will ever imagine.  I can’t thank God enough for blessing my world with you.  And I love you to the core. 

Happy Birthday my beautiful angel.   I am blessed.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.

Shut up. Sit down.

I have tried to remove myself from most of the political and religious conversations I used to find myself getting into for one reason and one reason only…it doesn’t seem to matter.

There is not one thing I am ever going to say that will change someone’s mind regarding healthcare, taxes, immigration or social security. 

There is not one thing I am ever going to say that will change someone’s mind regarding the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, life hereafter, the Apocalypse or salvation. 

And I am ok with that.  The world as I see it has gotten to the point that most folks don’t look past the end of their nose or actually take the time to form an informed opinion on anything.  Most people will post on their Facebook some snippet of something and we all know, it’s not true unless it’s posted on Facebook.  

Then you have the blowholes like Glenn Beck, or Rush Limbaugh or Sarah “in it for the photo-op” Palin.  And these folks need to THINK before they speak.  Seriously.  If you can’t take responsibility for what you say, then shut the fuck up.

I am all for First Amendment Rights.  Up to a point. 

Here’s the point:  I am all for First Amendment Rights until they are used to HARM someone else.  And folks, as we are learning everyday in every way….words hurt.  Some words, kill.   Words can incite happiness, sadness, rage, peace, hositlity, reconciliation and violence.  It’s been proven again and again.  History is full of examples.  We are living the ying and yang of it everyday.

I don’t think my grandfather, friends, family, friends of family, etc have fought in wars, given life and limb for their call of honor, did so to protect the First Amendment Right of folks who so carelessly abuse it.

Free speech is a right.  It is an honor.  It is something to be used to BETTER people’s lives.  It’s to be used as a platform for greater good, not for tearing people down, exposing petty small differences and it’s certainly not to be used to further ones own selfish agenda.

I think that people who become celebrity for ANY reason has a responsibility to the people who listen to them, watch them, emulate them, or dream of being just like them.  Singers, actors, athletes, politicians, etc….the whole lot of them, if you want the public to LOOK at you, to LISTEN to you, then you need to THINK about what you do and what you say.  It will affect lives.

If you can’t be positive, be truthful, be authentic, then shut up.  Sit down.

We are at our very core, debasing everything that our forefathers once held to so dearly.  We, as a society have become what we feared.  We have become a judgemental, negative, hateful and hurtful society.  When those who are hurting are down, we kick them. 

And put it on the internet.  On YouTube, on Facebook.  And on television.  And we all watch. 

If you are given a platform in front of a camera, on the WorldWideWeb, in print, use it wisely.  Use the First Amendment Right in the spirit it was meant. 

This sad excuse of a man, Jared Loughner is getting the one thing he wanted.  Attention.  I know when my kids act out and want attention for a negative action, they go to their room.  They get NO attention until they act right.  And for ANYONE to take the horror of his actions and put the blame on anyone but him, in any way, is dishonoring thousands.  So Rush, shut up.  Sit your fat ass down and count your blessings.  I didn’t think it was possible for me to think less of this pathetic excuse for a human, but he showed me that I can. 

I read that Freddie Phelps and his inbred clan are going to protest the funeral of the 9 year-old that was taken WAY before her time….all I will say is about that is, Fred, you and yours have a special place in hell. 

My heart goes out to the families that lost loved ones this weekend, my respect goes to the heroes of the day and my prayers go to the families of all of them.

My heart, my pride and my prayers will always stay with those who protect me and mine.  Here at home and abroad.  For they are the SAME people who protect the rights of these small-minded people, because they are charged with doing so.  The soldiers may not agree with the politics of it, but they damn sure will die for it.  I dare say Rush, Glenn Beck or Stupid Palin wouldn’t do the same.

Folks, no one has gotten ANY of it right.  Not a single political party, not a single religion.  There isn’t any harmony.  And until we work together in unison it won’t work.

Until we can do that, to put our differences aside, then do us all a favor…

Shut up.  Sit down.

New.Year.

So it’s a week into a new year.  For some, it’s a whole new start to something fresh, something wonderful, something amazing. 

For others, like me, it’s the start to another great year…wondering if THIS year can top last year.  Life has been many things, trying, sad, scary, melodramatic (hey…I have kids…) and at all times, life has been good to me.

I decided NOT to do my yearly “I’m Thankful For” list this past NYE.  Nor did I post a blog summarizing my life and how I came through it stronger, more faithful, more loved, blah, blah, blah.  If you have read this, you get that.  I live a charmed life.  *knocks wood*

I decided with the New Year, not to make any resolutions.  Not to put undo pressure on myself to live up to any expectation other than the one in my head that I live by everyday. 

Do unto others. 

That’s all.  I resolve to love other people like I love me.  To treat others like I want them to treat me.  Everyday. 

See, I’m not a big dreamer.  I don’t need to be my own boss, or run my own company.  I don’t have to have the whole world adore me.  I have not ever needed to be the center of attention.  I am happy and comfortable in my “ample” skin.  I may not ever be a size 6, or have 20/20 vision.  I won’t have thick long hair or perfect teeth.  I am authentically me.  I think I am gonna stick with that.

Every moment that I live, I am a daughter, a mother, a sister, a partner and a friend.  And that is 100% enough for me. 

I can only look as far as the end of my nose and see love, see support and see peace.  These sweet shining faces in my home.  They are the breath that I depend on. 

I have found the funny again.  There are people who simply don’t know any better.  And they are inspiration divine for me.  I almost drove off the road on Thursday as I was talking to the Girl and lo and behold, I thought I had seen my Unicorn Man. (side:  for those who don’t know…I used to see a man walking to McDonald’s daily with his hair fashioned into a “horn,”  I haven’t seen him for a while and have been distressed about it.)

So, I am driving home from work, through downtown and there he is….walking down the street.  My first thought was “Unicorn Man!  You are alive!”   My next thought being “When did you move from the ‘burbs?”  My Girl, not at all knowing what the hell I was talking about asked me and I had to explain the blog post, the McD’s and the Unicorn Man. 

Then I said, “but his horn is different, it’s not straight up, it’s like, folded back, pointing behind him.”

My Girl just decided….“It must me his cousin.”

See now why I love her…she is PERFECT for me. Yes? 

It’s good to see humor in all things.  To see humor in the lady at the grocery store looking for the label on an orange and not having a good time with it.   Or to see the Wal-Mart greeter watch my every step, as I am watching her…she just knows I am up to no good…

It’s the New Year. 

Bring.it.on.