20 years ago tonight, twenty years ago, at this very same time, I was waiting for my world to change.
20 years ago tonight, at this very same time, I was becoming a mother.
I was twenty when I had my daughter. Early in the morning, she will turn the same age I was when I had her. Twenty. I can’t imagine changing anything for a moment.
Well, today, I can’t….two weeks ago, I would have sold her to a carnival or into foreign slavery, whichever had the better offer. I digress…
My daughter, for all that she is…is amazing. She is strong, stubborn, funny, infuriating, beautiful and a pain in my ass. But she is mine. I have had her nine months longer than anyone else ever will.
I have a bond to this kid. It’s the strongest bond I have ever had in my lifetime to another human being. I don’t like to share her and luckily, I don’t have to. She is my biggest fan, my biggest adversary and the truest being in my life.
I have said before, when they handed this little lump to me 20 years ago, she looked at me, almost through me, blinked twice and I swear mentally told me “shit, we are in this together, right?” I instantly and forever fell in love in a way that has changed me.
I knew when I found out I was pregnant, that I would always put this little person, who grew to 6’2″ before anyone else. And when her brother came along, he too, came before all others. I have put their needs before mine for so long that when my Girl tells me “do something for yourself,” I can’t comprehend it. I don’t know how to…I made the choice so long ago to be a mommy…to the best of my mommy abilities, that I fade into the background.
I have protected her, ferociously from those I think will harm her, that will sway her or those that just give me the heebie-jeebies. She may not understand now when I say, “they aren’t going to stick. These friends aren’t keepers.” But down the road, she will realize that I was only looking out for her. For her well-being. It’s my job.
I see glimpses in her of how amazing she is going to be in the future. Like I have a momentary crystal ball and it lets me see her, owning the world. And it takes my breath away. She is magnetic. She has a smile that lights up a room and demands attention. She is life electric.
Daughter of mine….I am prouder of you than you will ever imagine. I can’t thank God enough for blessing my world with you. And I love you to the core.
Happy Birthday my beautiful angel. I am blessed.
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.