Home » Funny Folks. » Hire.me.


I am in the grips of an interview panic.  Recently, a position came open in my department…and actually, it’s a bit of a hybrid of two positions.  The best of both worlds.  And two weeks later, I am still looking, still interviewing and still befuddled.

I gotta ask, is this the pool I truly have to choose from?!??!  If so, I suggest:

The Rules of Resume Writing/Posting/Interviewing….stay with me.

  1. When compiling your resume.  Please, for the love of all that is holy, use Spell Check.  Seriously.  If you misspell the word Accounts, or responsibilities….chances are you are gonna go in the “Uh…No” pile.  You can’t take the time to make sure you got your NAME right, neither.do.I.
  2. When Monster.com asks you “Languages?”  and you answer English…make sure you are not also stating it is at a BEGINNER level.  I would love bi-lingual, but here, I really need you to have at minimum an Intermediate grasp on the language.  Methinks this is an oversight, but I am interviewing you for an accounting position….detail is important.
  3. I don’t want every job you have worked back to your mall days.  I don’t care if you worked at Kinney Shoes or The Limited.  I need relevant experience.  I need to not need 30 minutes to read your resume.
  4. If you are hand writing your resume (got one!)…sweet Jesus, make sure you have legible handwriting. 
  5. Don’t apply for my AR position if you do not know what Accounts Receivable is.  I have forklift drivers, lunch room attendants, restaurant greeters and a pianist applying for this position.  I know people need jobs, I get that times are tough….but don’t make me feel like a jerk for not hiring you.  I don’t like it.  It’s not nice. 

These aren’t hard and fast, I am all about the compromise….but this has been painful!

When it comes to interviewing, either in person or on the phone….let’s try this….

  1. If you are actively looking for a job, don’t nap.  And if you must, don’t answer your phone sounding like someone who indeed just woke up from a nap.  You won’t make it past the phone screening.
  2. Don’t screen me.  Specifically, don’t “May I ask who’s calling” me.  It’s rude.  If you have given me your cell as your preferred number, then just answer it.  If I was a bill collector, you could hang up on me.
  3. I am calling you for an interview.  Therefore, you need to have some flexibility to meet with me.  When I offer late in the day, say 5:00 (when I typically leave) don’t counter with “Can we make it 6?”  Because no, we can’t and well…good luck.  I am flexible, but if you are looking, any temp agency will accommodate you searching for a permanent position.  I know this.  I have used agencies, worked at agencies and worked for agencies.  I will come in early, but at the end of the day, I am beat….and your interview won’t be my favorite.
  4. When coming to your interview, don’t show up 30 minutes late when you have told me you live right down the street and know where I office.  I schedule back to back to back…you are throwing it off and well Princess, it ain’t gonna happen.
  5. Don’t tell me you are in the grips of a nasty divorce and the details.  I don’t know you.  I don’t care.
  6. Don’t smack your gum.  I will make you spit it out.  Quickly.
  7. Or burp in my face.  That’s gross.  But thanks.
  8. Scratching your wig will only distract me because your hair is moving on your head and it’s awkward, now I will stare at your wig for the rest of the interview.
  9. DON’T answer a text.  DON’T even touch your phone.  I don’t, you shouldn’t. 
  10. Telling me what days you will need off IF you are hired, is a sure way to be guaranteed to have those days as well as many others off. 

I keep thinking maybe I am getting the nuts outta the way.  I keep thinking maybe the cream will rise to the top and my interviews tomorrow will be delish.  I keep thinking I am gonna hire the chick on the corner with the Spell Checked cardboard sign.

One thought on “Hire.me.

  1. Ohhhhh pick me pick me. I have no experience but I can at least create a decent resume and I would promise to send it in on scented paper.

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