Home » Dialogue for the Masses » Road Trip Dialogue.

Road Trip Dialogue.

So it’s been a week of wedded bliss.  Still….no horns, no tail…I should probably be safe now.  I think. 

So…..yep, a whole week.  Week of shiny, cheek hurting smiles and I am happier each day. 

Iowa is a long drive.  Seriously a long effin drive…through alot of small towns, speed traps, and barren fields.  When I say long, it doesn’t do it justice.  Think a walkabout…only not through the Australian outback, but across Oklahoma and Kansas….yeah, THAT long.

In an inspired or insane moment (you decide) I decided to jot down some anecdotes and some of the funnier things that were said.  In just reading them back, I can giggle, or laugh until I pee.

Let’s begin, shall we?

  • It takes 4.5 hours to get across the state of Oklahoma.  It is flat and boring.  I took the best naps through Oklahoma and I can guarantee you, I didn’t miss a thing.
  • I can fall asleep in a car in 12 minutes.  Seriously, I’m like a baby…
  • Oklahoma has an amazing amount of speed traps.  A-mazing….
  • I may be the only person that picked up on the fact that right next to a cemetery on Hwy 69, there is a meat processing plant. 
  • I will not purchase anything beefy in Oklahoma, except Slim Jims, because they don’t count as beef.
  • It will take only 4 minutes to lose $10 in a truck stop casino in Oklahoma.  4.minutes.flat.  *sigh*
  • Reversing on the Oklahoma tollway ISN’T fun.  I don’t care who you are…
  • There is probably the NICEST bathroom I have EVER been in at the Choctaw Truck Stop/Casino.  Seriously, so nice, I took PICTURES of it.  And there are TV’s in the mirrors and upon showing these photos to the son, he has now decided he MUST have a TV in his mirror.  You know….to watch CNN while getting ready….?
  • Our GPS is a menopausal bitch. 
  • I hate the voice of our GPS. 
  • There is only so much beef jerky (purchased in Texas) that this chick can eat.  blech.
  • There are no Slim Jims for sale at any convenience store in Oklahoma.  None.  Zero.  Nada.  Zip.
  • I really don’t like travelling through Oklahoma.
  • There is a roundabout at the Kansas, Oklahoma, Missouri borders that will leave you dizzy if you listen to the menopausal GPS.  And it will take you twenty minutes to get out of it. 
  • Kris lost her shit in Pittsburg, KS.  I mean, lost her shit.  Is it wrong that I am still laughing at it?  Poor thing.
  • It’s great fun eBaying at 80 mph….That’s Kris, both driving AND eBaying…me?  I hid my head…

So yeah….just a few insights…but the conversations…that’s the cherry on the cake:

{Scene:  I have just awaken from a 30 minute (ok, 1 hour) power nap.  As discreet as I was trying to be about actually sleeping while Kris was driving, she cold busted me when I woke up}
Kris: ” How was your nap?”
Me:  “I’m awake.” {blink, blink} “Want some nuts?”

*****

{Scene: Kris looking out the window through small town Oklahoma, sees a “spectacular” couple on a motorcycle, harassing traffic.}
Kris:  “It’s 11:00 AM on Wednesday, what, are they taking a bike ride around small town Oklahoma while draining the state’s unemployment benefits?!”
Me:  “No look, he has a mechanic’s uniform on, maybe he picked her up to take her to the crack house.”

*****

GPS: “Re-calculating.  Re-calculating.  Re-calculating.”
Kris:  “Shut up.  Shut up.  SHUT UP!”

*****

{Scene:  Still in Oklahoma….Kris is drinking some water, unaware that I have two more bottles.}
Kris: ” We are almost out of water.  It’s gonna be survivor mode baby…”
Me:  “I’m gonna eat your hiney.”
{crickets}
Me:  “But don’t worry, we have two more bottles in back.”

*****

{Scene:  Kris, passing cars, which seemed to be a sport.}
Kris:  “Ha!  85 baby!  THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about!!!  Hey…did I save a minute?” {looks at estimated time on GPS} “Yes…that’s the way!  Used a 1/4 tank of gas…”
Me:  “Yes…but you SAVED a minute.”

*****

Kris:  “We have two iPhones, a Garmin and we STILL don’t know where we are?!!?!?!?”
Me:  “I’ll download the Map Quest app, then we’ll have four!!!”

*****

{Scene:  we are NOW in Kansas…halleujah!}
GPS:  “Continue 102 miles on current road.”
Kris:  “WHAT?!?!!??  THIS road?  It’s two fucking lanes.  It’s 45 fucking miles per hour.  WITH stop lights!!!  The GPS is on crack….!!!!  Find me an alternate route!!!”

*****

Kris:  “You know, Kansas and Oklahoma are damn Twinkies….”
Me:  “hmmm?”
Kris:  “They have mule lots, they have John Deere tractor lots.  What the hell is this?”
Me:  “A Kum and Go….convenience store.  They have gas.”

*****

Kris:  “If I can’t get a fucking signal in the middle of Kansas and I miss my eBay bid, I am gonna be pissed!”

*****

Kris:  “I am sick of being behind the Coca Cola truck.  It’s making me thirsty…”
Me:  “Great, now I gotta pee….”

*****

I can’t wait for our next road trip.  I think I am gonna throw the Daughter and the Son, maybe a friend or two into the mix and see what I can get…

whee!

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