Aaaaauuugggghhhh!!!!! I have had it!!!!!
I have spent the better part of the last 18 months being the “bigger person.” Not addressing shit that needs to be addressed and I have taken it and taken it….shoved it down and ignored it.
About 6 weeks ago, I went to a benefit for a local charity. As I knew would happen, I ran into folks that I hadn’t seen in many months. It was awkwardly pleasant, as I spent the first part of the evening dodging them and avoid the uncomfortable…then I decided, “fuck it!” I am not here for them, I am not here to be anything other than authentically me. And I forgot to worry about it, about them.
As will happen, you will run into the most uncomfortable of these situations right when you are supposed to, right? So I smiled, I hugged, I made pleasant small talk. As we are wrapping it up and almost clear for our getaway, I get a smile, a touch on my arm and a “The past is the past. It’s time to move forward….”
I don’t remember the rest of it, because I was so shell-shocked and blown over by the condescending attitude, the imperial demeanor, that I had to get away. This person hasn’t spoken to me in OVER A YEAR. And yet, wants to let me know that it’s all good now….because they said so?!?!
Move forward? really? because I haven’t? Ummmm…..new house? check. recently married? check. kids are awesome and happy? check. the boy on A/B Honor Roll? check! Methinks I have moved waaaayyyyyy forward. Haven’t looked back once. Nada. Zero. Zip.
Well, as we know, I tend to stew on things and this kept popping up in my head from time to time…with the same pat on my arm. The same smile that didn’t reach the person’s eyes. The same motherly tone, like I was a bad child. And it spins me out…luckily, I am usually alone when it happens and can work it out on my own so I don’t have to vent it out loud…but the wife agrees…passive agressive isn’t what was appropriate at that moment. Or from that person…oh well, pfftp!
It happened again this week….someone else….another “victim” that is well over the age of consent and I apparently am God-like and can affect everything from their life to the tsunamis and the economy. Now, if I could only get the kids to pick up their rooms….I would ROCK!!!
This song by Adele has been stuck in my head for a bit…and it always seems to make me see things a bit stronger. It speaks to me, as some songs are prone to do…but it’s in the lyrics, the words…
“Finally, I can see you crystal clear, go ahead and sell me out and a I’ll lay your ship bare; See how I’ll leave with every piece of you, don’t underestimate the things that I will do…” – Adele, Rolling in the Deep, 2011.
It seems to be on the radio every 10 minutes and I crank it up every time I hear it…I dig Adele…period!
As I was cruising around the WorldWideWeb, I came across this little “nugget” …
Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean. – Maya Angelou. WHAM!!!! I realized what it was that was holding me back, that was pushing me down. And I decided right then and there….

Burn.it.down. All around me.

See, I have allowed others to speak their mind, their insane minds and not reply. Not argue and to allow them to paint me in whatever light they have chosen to. According to many, I am not nice. I am Satan. I am the Devil Incarnate. Fuck, I got folks talking shit about me that I don’t even know. (Word to the wise….this world is SMALL…you never know who knows who and what gets back to people…yeah…it’s fucking small…so when you like to run your mouth about stuff, make sure you gots your facts right….cause I do and can prove so!))

Really? Satan? Me? Nahh…..Maybe. I haven’t gotten my horns or tail yet, perhaps they are on back order…

No, not really. See….unlike others, I am an adult. I don’t create drama. I don’t foster drama. I don’t allow bullshit in my life. It’s best these folks walk away…go be drama whores somewhere else. Cause you won’t find that here…I don’t want people to hurt. To be angry, to be sad. Life’s too short to be lived with this…fill your life with love and respect and faith…with so much of each that you can’t feel anything else.

Trust me….it’s wonderful when you do this….simply wonderful!

So, it’s the bitterness that keeps me held back, keeps creeping in, keeps hurting me. It’s the bitterness that people don’t remember that there is more than one side to every story…yours, mine and the truth. That people take sides without a thought to the other person…the other person that invested in that friendship, that relationship…they put time and effort in and *poof!*

Well folks, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret….you got some bad facts….I guarantee, you got fed a pack of lies…hope they went down easy….

It’s the anger that turns to bitterness that some people are so easily led by others. That they live their lives as follower. They won’t/can’t/don’t have an original thought and are put in a position of choices that are not their own. Here’s the sad fact…the person you are usually following…won’t have your best interests at heart…simply what you can do for them. Find your OWN drummer…march to your OWN beat. Know YOUR worth. Never let anyone else dictate what you are worth, show them…

It’s the anger that turns to bitterness that others play victim. It’s your own circumstance. You AREN’T a victim, so grow a pair, stand up and say, “yeah….I own this. I was in it….I didn’t bring my A-game either….”
Burn.it down.
I am done being the bigger person. If you folks had been half the people you THINK you are, we would still be in each other’s lives.
I guarantee you….you were never my “best” anything…I may have been yours, but there wasn’t any effort from you on any level. At least never for more than the time it took for you to get whatever you wanted. You used me, you used my family, you used my trust, my faith, my love and my respect.
If I ever went back to the beginning, I can look at things that should have been HUGE red flags and should have walked away years before I did. I can only say thank you for what I got out of it all…
I should have looked harder, trusted my instincts more…as much as you folks are my “victims,” trust me, you have left quite a wake of people behind you…
You aren’t a victim, you aren’t an injured party. Suck it up, get a helmet…
Fuck you. You should come with a warning label.
As for any of your “friends”…word to the wise…
  1. Make sure you only have time for them. These people are attention junkies. You should have no kids, family, pets, or outside influences that they do not approve of.
  2. Be able to live with “creative” truth. These people will make shit up, I believe just to see if you are listening….they didn’t do the things they will tell you they did.
  3. Hope you like gambling…if their mouth is moving, you gots a 50/50 shot at the truth. You feeling lucky?
  4. Give me a call when it all blows up….we can start a support group…

Now, I am not gonna name any names, I am not going to “out” people just because I have a bit more class than others. I will say it’s not always who you THINK it is…so jump to your conclusions, make your stories up, talk about me and my drama…

But look at who’s doing all the talking….it sure isn’t here…

5 thoughts on “Burn.It.Down.

  1. I just fucking love you!!!! Pardon my language. I am currently struggling. Emotionally mostly with outside relationships because again, I have been handed opportunity to see people in my life for exactly what they are…and that version didn’t agree with the original version. You said in this post exactly what I have been thinking and feeling for WEEKS. Which…is exactly what you always do when you write. LOL! So…I just fucking love you. Thank you for picking my brain – again.

    • Shelah, I am praying for you and watching everything you write! If anyone has the strength to pull through this and remain as amazing as you are…it’s YOU!!!

      and…fuck ’em if they can’t take it…

      Here’s some BIG TEXAS love and hugs heading your way!!!! Big, huge love for you and yours…

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