Home » Life in Photos » Photo Challenge – Day 18

Photo Challenge – Day 18

Day 18 – A picture of your biggest insecurity.

My health.  Or the unknown of it failing…

It’s not known to many….I’m not a hypochondriac, in fact, I am the polar opposite of that…I refuse to go to the doctor.  I loathe doctors, dentists, therapists, chiropractor, etc…

I fully believe it comes from the  sickness that has invaded my adult life through my loved ones.  From my former mother-in-law to my father to my great-grandmother to the non-genetic family and my own mother.  All the adults in my life that have had a huge impact on me.  They all have suffered and with the exception of my mother, they are all gone.

I have watched my loved ones suffer and be helpless.  I have spent more time sitting in hospitals praying, pacing waiting rooms, talking to doctors and eating cafeteria food, than I have on all vacations put together.  I hate it.  I hate the smell, the sounds, the bright lights, the feel of the furniture…all of it.  I hate it. I hate how I can’t fix it for them.  I can’t make them better…

So you would think, “Steph, you should go to the doctor, do the yearly check ups, watch your health, just to avoid it…” But, for some reason, I am like an ostrich…I just stick my head in the sand…don’t judge me…and everytime I go to the doctor, when he checks the ol’ blood pressure….I hold my breath until he tells me it’s ok.  It’s normal/high ok, but not alarming….and what I need to do…

I fear that if I know then I begin dying, not living.  If I know that my time is limited, every day becomes another goodbye.  That there are going to be words that I don’t get to say, people I don’t get the chance to talk to or say things that need to be said….That I can’t enjoy the life God has given me.  It’s my countdown…and the countdown scares me.

Don’t get me wrong…I do take care of myself.  I do go to the doctor when absolutely necessary…I do listen to my body…I do watch what I eat, how my blood pressure is, I do stop when I need to.

It’s the skip of my heart that unnerves me.  Every once in a while, I can feel it…and now, I just sit, I rest and then I start moving again…it’s not anything that my doctor worries about.  I know what causes it…and I know what I need to do.   The wife hovers, the kids come to check and it’s the look in their eyes that I don’t want to see.  That I will at some point, cause the same feeling of helplessness in them that I have carried for years.

Yes, my insecurity – my health. Some would be surprised, thinking it was my weight…but no….my sister told me that I am the one person she knows that is most comfortable in my own skin.  I am.  I am a big girl, I get that….it’s not like I don’t own a mirror…but I am okay with how I look.  I am not the ugliest girl at the dance….so I got that going for me.

I check in with the doc….I promise.  I know how I felt when I found out HOW sick my dad was without me knowing…without sharing that with me…I feel sad simply because he was alone with that knowledge.  So is it better to HAVE the knowledge…do you share that with others?  Or if you HAVE that knowledge, do you keep it to yourself so you don’t inflict pain on others?  It’s a slippery slope.

Now, this doesn’t mean I am dying…no, in fact, went to the doctor a bit while back and I am healthy…blood pressure good, lung sounds good, he’s not concerned with the ticker and has told me what the skips mean and how they got there…I’ve lost some weight and watch it daily on my fancy bitch of a scale.  I eat better and most importantly, I don’t stress any longer.  I let shit go…

I plan to be around for a very long time….lucky you!  Lucky ME!!!

 

One thought on “Photo Challenge – Day 18

  1. Pingback: Defiant. « World According to Her

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