The Lightness of Being.

I am not really sure the exact moment it was, but I can tell you it was roughly in the last 18 months.

In the last 18 months, I quit giving two left testicles about things I could not control.  Not that I had two left testicles or any testicles for that matter, contrary to popular belief…

Yep…I decided to clear out the bullshit and let go of the…well, bullshit.

We were watching an update tonight on Hoarders.  Not a huge fan of that show…not like, Design Star or Rock of Love, you know educational shit…but I watch when I wanna just know that someone has more shit than me.  ‘Cept my shit was all in my head…I was hoarding in my head….thankfully…no dead cats….but lots of baggage.

I hoard other folks problems.  I take them in.  I listen.  I fix when I can and then dwell on it when I can’t.  You name it, if someone had a problem, I was there…bad skin, bad friends, family issues, sexual identity issues, bad weaves, cramps, flat tires, flat boobs….I was there….listening, taking it on…and hoarding it.

Know what it got me?  exhausted, hurt, disrespected, lied to, taken advantage of and twelve pesky pounds I can’t seem to lose…

I STILL get told that I have changed.  Funny enough, it’s by people who have known me forever.  And there are two differing opinions on it.

(1) I have changed for the worst.   That I am short, judgemental and closed off.
(2) I have changed for the better.  That I am more confident, reserved, funnier and happier.

I am so gonna go with option #2.  Here’s the Why….

My dad told me YEARS ago, “You can’t change yesterday.  You can’t plan tomorrow.  All you can do is learn.  And love. But above all be honest and know your worth.”

I have a limited amount of time left on this rock.  We all do.  I am not going to spend the rest of my days worrying about things I can’t change.

I learn from my mistakes and I learned that I was/am/will be a control freak.  I just have to dial it down.  I seem to take the control freak issues out on the poor reps at work…but it’s ok…a nice healthy level of fear is good, right?  I have had to learn to hold other’s responsible and not do everything for everyone or in the end….I hurt the ones I love more by not making them more self-sufficient.

In the same breath, I have learned that drama, in any form other than on a flat screen is exhausting.  I am not built for drama.  And I have really gotten out of the habit of being around it.  I think at this point, I am allergic to it.  I have found that it has left me with decidedly fewer friends than before, but then again….if they were drama and exhausting, were they really “friends” to begin with?

And as for judgemental…I don’t have a judgemental bone in my body.  Mocking you and laughing at you is not judgement…it’s amusement.  I leave judgement for the good Lord above.  He’ll take care of that when the time comes.

I am more confident.  I know me better than I have in any other time in my life.  I know my likes, my loves, my heart, my head, my quirks, my health…I know me.  And I like me.  (‘cept those 12 fucking pounds)

My life is way more calm.  I sit, get still….and I am just me, in that moment.

I am more reserved than ever.  I don’t give everything I have to everyone.  Because I have learned not everyone appreciates what I have to offer.  Or they want more and use me up.  I hold back.  I don’t pop off as soon as something hits my brain…my filter kicks in.  I no longer go for the jugular in an argument, hell….most of the time, I don’t even engage.  Alas, don’t think because I am quiet doesn’t mean if you keep pushing you aren’t gonna get Old School Stephanie that will whip your ass with a word or two…just don’t push me in that corner…

I get over things a whole lot faster and hold on to nothing any longer.  It doesn’t do any good….and it only causes bitterness in me.  And I don’t like being bitter.  I like, no, I LOVE laughing….I LOVE being happy….seeing the funny in so many different things, I feel lighter in my heart, in my soul.

It’s a lightness I have searched for all my life.

Doesn’t mean I forget the harsh words, the hurts….it means that I remember them.  I let the hurt and anger go…and at the end of the day, there may not be anything left to feel but forgiveness….and that may be all.  But it’s a bridge we cross when we get there, if we get there….it could be best to just shake hands and walk away.

Cause I am not going to ever let go of that lightness…it’s beyond description…