Home » Funny Folks. » The rules of driving, Texas-style.

The rules of driving, Texas-style.

So, as most know, I am bossy.  I have rules that must be followed.  They aren’t hard; more common sense than anything, you know, like don’t walk and chew gum if you can’t multi-task….that kinda thing.

I guess it goes to show that there must also be rules for driving.  Seriously, am I the ONLY person that went to driver’s ed?  Did everyone else get their license outta the gumball machine?!?!??!!  Cause it’s not easy…

I submit, the Rules of Driving, Texas-Style:

  • It’s a car.  Therefore, when it hits something else, it will cause damage.  Think of it as a rolling battering ram.
  • First and foremost, folks, put the fucking cell phone down.  You should not be texting, facebooking, making reservations or cropping your latest profile picture behind the wheel of the car.  Especially while anywhere near me on any stretch of road.
  • Eating soup is not conducive to safe driving.
  • If a large black SUV is hauling ass up behind you, do not slow down to a crawl….I will pass you, give you stink eye and slow down in front of you.
  • Lady….there’s not enough makeup to help….and the lighting in the rearview mirror sucks….eyes on the road please.
  • It’s rain.  If you can’t drive on the dry roads, park the car on overcast days and take the bus.
  • Alternately, in the winter, there is this stuff on the road, called ice.  It’s frozen rain.  See above.
  • Hanging your shirt out the window is a really odd alternative to WASHING it.  I understand there are “degrees” of clean, but if your shirt smells THAT bad….buy some Tide and give it a shot.
  • Turn that shit down.  If  I wanted to hear you singing, I would buy your CD….oh, don’t have a recording contract….?  There’s probably a reason.
  • I can see you picking your nose.  That’s not a booger….that’s brain matter….stop when you feel resistance.
  • If you are gonna fight with your passenger or person on the phone, roll down the window, we all want to hear.
  • And dude….whatEVER you were doing….it looked WAY worse in my rearview mirror.  And if that is what you were doing….ewwww….get a room!

I do alot of driving nowadays….my commute is over 30 minutes.  Most of the time, I turn on Russ Martin and just drive….but I get lucky every now and then and get to see some truly weird shit…

  • The Nutter Butter car….which made me hungry.
  • Bozo the Clown driving a Volvo.  Awesome!
  • The wife’s ex-Beast’s twin sister, which almost caused me to wreck my car….but I realized this chick was skinnier…
  • The smallest woman ever to drive.  Seriously, she had to be sitting on three phone books….and it was a Rio….so cute!
  • An 18 wheeler decked out like Optimus Prime….paint job and chromed out….it was AWESOME!!! Had I not been going 75 mph….I would have taken a photo….that awesome.
  • The guy with the Jason mask hanging from his rearview mirror last Halloween….yup…even I changed lanes.

I am east bound and down…loaded up and trucking…

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