Life Lessons.

I have long given lessons to folks on All Things Kenner…but I realized, I too, should probably come with a list of “hints” to make life with me easier.  Alas, most folks would rather watch others feel my wrath rather than warn them.  Something about me and funny and even funnier when I get pissed off.  I don’t get it…

So I have decided…there are a few things you should know about me…

  1. I am a control freak.  I “may” have mentioned that a time or two.  It’s true.  I should be a member of the Avengers or the X-Men….but know this…any control I try to have over the Boy and the Daughter….totally useless…they are immune to it…
  2. I do not like being called a bitch.  High holy hell…..unless you gave birth to me or sleep with me….the LAST thing you should ever do….is call me a bitch.  Or tell me to bring it on….wanna watch me spin out?  do it…I double dog dare you.
  3. I have a temper….see #2….and if pushed past my limits, I will become the most inhospitable, ill mannered, bitchiest person this side of the Mason Dixon Line.  whoo-whee….I don’t let it loose often….but when I do, you are on your own, because those I call mine, already know to back away slowly and not to make any sudden movements.
  4. I love to laugh.  Out loud and very often.  Typically it will be at your expense or as a result of some sort of fall.  Of course, if you are hurt, I will feel bad…moreso because I laughed, but I will eventually check on you to make sure you are okay…if you are, all bets are off, I am gonna laugh some more.
  5. I have ZERO upper body strength.  It’s all in my legs.  So asking me to help you move will result in my “supervision” of you sweating balls and me ordering pizza for the rest of you.  But hey! I will pay for the pizza…and organize your pantry like no one’s business.
  6. I cannot play any sort of driving game in an arcade or on a gaming system.  I drive very well, but those games….nope…the Boy thinks that it’s either hysterical or the most frustrating thing…especially when he wants to play.  I am also the person that while playing, will yank the handset around, thinking that it will make my man, car, monster, whatever, do EXACTLY what I need them to do to win/remain alive/kill another monster.  I suck at video games.
  7. If I get quiet, you gots a 50/50 shot of me either just being in a “small” place or being pissed off.  If I am quiet and cleaning….I’m pissed….leave me be and our home will be clean.  If I am quiet and sitting by myself…I am ok, just people watching or thinking something out.  If you interrupt quiet reflective time, I may get up and start cleaning….which isn’t good.  Walk away.  Further, this does not mean to invite me over and piss me off so I will clean your house.  That’s a dicky move.
  8. I love to throw a good party.  Truly.  I have had some that have been lacking in the past, but if left to my own devices, I can rock it out.  My goal this summer is to have such parties, however, I may have to revise the guest list….
  9. I love my new washer and dryer.  They are steam….they are front load….they are red.  I LOVE to do the laundry now…simply because I think they are shiny and pretty and apparently, I have been told, I am not allowed to actually hump them, so I must use them only.  (not really….no humping happened….to the washer and dryer).
  10. I have the perfect “thing” for my bestie for the perfect “moment”….and I am the worst at keeping presents put up or stashed for moments…so this perfect “thing” sitting around is KILLING me….damnit.
  11. The house hunting obsession is going to hit a high in 3….2…., simply because I sit around and watch way too much House Hunters and Property Virgins on HGTV…but I know I want granite countertops and apparently an open floor concept.
  12. I don’t like to share unless we are all sharing….that means, I don’t like to share toys/friends/drinks….meaning…I work hard to get what I got….and I treasure my toys/friends/depending on the day, drinks….I absolutely don’t have a problem if we share….but don’t poach…and damn sure don’t let me think you are taking from me….
  13. I have an abnormal aversion to Beyonce and Angelina Jolie.  (Total Team Jennifer here!)  I am not sure why, neither of them have done anything to me personally…but they get an eye roll and channel change when I see them…and I will leap over furniture to change a channel if anything Kardashian comes on my television…because really….that entire family is famous because Kim has a thing for tinkle?  ewwww……and go.away….NOW!!!!
  14. I have a rotating list of those I want to thump on the noggin or use a cattle prod on, depending on my mood.  However, the #1 spot has had the same person in it for two years….closely followed by the Respondent, in the #2 position.  The rest of the top ten, changes…depending on above items #1,2,3,& 7….
  15. I hate waiting….especially for test results.

And with that….I’m off….I have dinner to cook and laundry to do…and I have put it off about as long and the wife and the Boy will allow me to…they gots that hungry look in their eyes.

ta-da!

4 Door Yugo.

My dad, or as I call him, The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, was a dork of the highest order.  And he one time, probably 20 years ago, told me a joke that would leave me in tears.  I would laugh until my face hurt.  And every time I told it, it was almost impossible for me to get through it.  I would laugh, knowing the punchline.

Most of my friends, God love them, thought it was probably the stupidest joke ever told.  But they would laugh…some because it’s the polite thing to do…some, because I have been told, I have an infectious laugh and they would laugh at my reaction, they would laugh with me for moments on end.  Laugh at the stupidest joke I have ever heard…

“What do you call a 4-Door Yugo?”

“A WE-go!!!”

Get it?

For those that don’t know….a Yugo was a tiny little two door car in the 80’s before Smartcars.  And usually yellow or brown.  Kinda like the Pinto of its day….

teehee…..bwahahahaha…snort….giggle…squeal….

*ahem*

sorry….it became such a “signature” of mine that the Respondent, for my 31st birthday got me personalized plates for my Blazer that said “WEEGO.”  (Yes, dumbass spelled it wrong, but it was the thought…only he didn’t renew them and I only had them one year…dick)

Fast forward 10 years….I still find it funny, but it’s less funny because I have to explain what a Yugo is and with the invent of the Smartcar…well….it’s not as funny…

But leave it to my bestie to step it up a level.  She’s an idiot after my own heart.  So a couple of days ago, the iPhone goes off with a text from my bestie.  It says, “You are the only one I know that would fully appreciate this:”

I am telling you, I laughed for 10 minutes.  It’s the cutest thing I have ever seen….I have shown it to everyone and amazingly, I get the same stare, you know, the Wego stare…”why are you laughing so hard?  ok, I’ll join…”

Tell me this isn’t cute….?

Tell me this isn’t funny…?

and when I am cranky and put it out on my Facebook (I tend to get bitchy and snarky in comments lately) the bestie types two words on the post….

General Wee!!!

snort….chuckle…giggle….teehee….

whee!!!!

Tribal-like.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted on her blog about her tribe.  And honestly, I haven’t stopped thinking about the tribal concept.

When I google “definition of tribe” the first thing that pops up is:

1 Tribe:

a: a social group comprising numerous families, clans, or generations.

Now, I paraphrased that, simply because the last part of the sentence mentioned slaves and strangers and neither of these remotely figure into my thought process.

I come from a relatively small-ish clan.  And that’s okay.  I felt I grew my clan with my friends, close friends that I trust, that have my back as much as I have theirs.  I was okay with that.  Still am.

Only, my tribe, I realize, is much smaller than I thought it was.  Again, I am okay with that.  Follow me…

I have work friends, party friends, friends of friends.  Long distance friends, around the corner friends.  Life long friends and family friends.  It’s not a matter of having plenty of friends. 

It’s a matter of those that I think have my back, only to show me they don’t or further, stab me in the back.

That makes me sad.  And even sadder, to know the great amounts of pleasure they have in that.  Sad, mad and hurt.

Several years ago, I reached out to someone who quickly became what I believed that the time would be a life long friend.  This person made me laugh out loud, shaking my head in disbelief at their shennaigans.  The stuff only they could get into and stuff that I could mock them unmercifully for.  They knew I loved them, trusted them and shared my secrets with them.

A couple of years ago, this friend devastated me.  They walked away without a goodbye, fuck you, so long, good luck!  Just, wham!…and as much as I have recovered from it, I haven’t.  To this day, it hurts.  It hurts because I didn’t do anything different from I do now.  I am still the person I was.  And they made me feel wrong.  I allowed them to walk on my feelings…and days like today, when I get down and think of them…they win.  But only for a moment…

I give this person a moment, just to win….then I remember…they walked away from me.  Not the other way around.  They didn’t have the balls to talk to me.  I would have listened.  I did when they came to me ONE TIME and we cleared the air, I thought…only the things about me that were bothering them…was a reflection in the mirror of what was bothering me about them.

I realize now, it was a very one-sided friendship.  They called when they needed me to get them a date, to host a party for them, to write a funny blog about them, to be there when they were down….but the one time I really reached out, because I was lost, I needed to talk to someone about a deeply troubling situation, they were not there.  They were lacking.  And I was used. 

So, walk away.  Be gone.  I am better off without you and have learned oh-so-many things that I didn’t know about this person, that at this point, I probably would be the one to walk away. 

Doesn’t take the sting away.

Fast forward…in my last two breakups, I lost friends.  I lost a lot of friends.  I don’t count my friends or my popularity by how many folks are on my Facebook….no, these were party friends….folks who came to my house, had a good time, ate, drank and were merry with endless hours of water volleyball….I honestly can say, I don’t miss them.  Not for one moment.  And it’s okay; they think about me about as often as I think of them.  I don’t wish them ill, but I am sure, based on the pack of bullshit they’ve been told, they wish very bad things on me. 

Well, those would be unanswered wishes, because I am blessed, blissful and very happy and content.  The peace in my life that was missing has found me and I am grateful for it every day. 

It’s not my loss you walked away.  That would be yours.  I am stronger for it.  Trust me.  And very few have gotten a second chance….in fact, I can think of one…well two, I have to include his Mr. 

I have made some new friends, to supplement the TWO I walked away from my last relationship with.  And very early on, I learned to adore these people.  They were new to me, I was new to them and they are amazing folks.  I laugh harder than I thought I could, I smile more and they make me very happy.  My life is full.

Here’s the rub…I have started wondering how many of these people are in my tribe? 

I am the world’s worst at returning a phone call, or even picking the phone up to call.  I am probably one of the shittiest friends in the world, but I know my heart is in the right place and for those I consider in my tribe, I would be there in a heartbeat, with only one phone call.  It’s not one-sided at all, but it is a two-way street and I will give as good as I get.

I have long said I will protect those that I consider my family.  If you crossed someone I am genetically tied to or someone who I consider my family, I will come out swinging and you will walk away with a limp.  Don’t mess with my tribe.

I know who I consider to be my tribe, but the question is, am I part of their tribe?  See, it doesn’t work if we aren’t on the same side, if I say I will follow you into battle, can you look at me and tell me the same?

Just because we don’t talk everyday, every week or even every month, doesn’t mean when the chips are down, I won’t be there.  I need to know if I am stuck on the side of the road, I won’t have to scroll through my phone doing a roll call to get someone to help me.  I need to know that my battle is your battle. 

I know there is an ebb and flow to everything.  Even friendships.  Sometimes they need to be stronger, sometimes they can take a back burner to this thing called life…but at the end of the day…who’s in the tribe?  Can I get a raise of hands?

I treat my friendships like relationships, they all take work, they all deserve love and respect.  I can honestly say that I love my friends, ALL of them, to my core.  I want to spend time with them, share moments with them, create memories and nurture these relationships.

I get the feeling, with some folks, I am alone in this.  Did I upset someone?  Say something wrong?  How can I fix it?  Do I say something?  Do I risk it?  Or do I shut it down, brush it off and just deal with it on my own? 

I don’t know right now and it angers me.  It hurts me and it makes me sad. 

How awkward is it…to tell someone you think of them one way, only to have them not think of you in the same manner?  To think that you have this deep friendship, only to realize that it’s one sided…or worse, not know at all, going blindly along that you are closer to a person than you really are and things aren’t how you saw them?  I don’t like looking like a fool and I don’t want anyone I know to feel foolish.

If my best friend, my Kenner, for one moment made me feel like something was amiss…I would walk through fire to correct it.  Yet I know, she would tell me, straight up, as only Kenner can, how the rubber met the road.  Her bullshit level is low and I respect the hell outta that girl for it.  Out of everyone in my world, short of the wife, I know EXACTLY where I stand with my Kenner and I am a better person for it.

Yep, I may be a small tribe, but that’s okay….there’s always an opening…