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Life Lessons.

I have long given lessons to folks on All Things Kenner…but I realized, I too, should probably come with a list of “hints” to make life with me easier.  Alas, most folks would rather watch others feel my wrath rather than warn them.  Something about me and funny and even funnier when I get pissed off.  I don’t get it…

So I have decided…there are a few things you should know about me…

  1. I am a control freak.  I “may” have mentioned that a time or two.  It’s true.  I should be a member of the Avengers or the X-Men….but know this…any control I try to have over the Boy and the Daughter….totally useless…they are immune to it…
  2. I do not like being called a bitch.  High holy hell…..unless you gave birth to me or sleep with me….the LAST thing you should ever do….is call me a bitch.  Or tell me to bring it on….wanna watch me spin out?  do it…I double dog dare you.
  3. I have a temper….see #2….and if pushed past my limits, I will become the most inhospitable, ill mannered, bitchiest person this side of the Mason Dixon Line.  whoo-whee….I don’t let it loose often….but when I do, you are on your own, because those I call mine, already know to back away slowly and not to make any sudden movements.
  4. I love to laugh.  Out loud and very often.  Typically it will be at your expense or as a result of some sort of fall.  Of course, if you are hurt, I will feel bad…moreso because I laughed, but I will eventually check on you to make sure you are okay…if you are, all bets are off, I am gonna laugh some more.
  5. I have ZERO upper body strength.  It’s all in my legs.  So asking me to help you move will result in my “supervision” of you sweating balls and me ordering pizza for the rest of you.  But hey! I will pay for the pizza…and organize your pantry like no one’s business.
  6. I cannot play any sort of driving game in an arcade or on a gaming system.  I drive very well, but those games….nope…the Boy thinks that it’s either hysterical or the most frustrating thing…especially when he wants to play.  I am also the person that while playing, will yank the handset around, thinking that it will make my man, car, monster, whatever, do EXACTLY what I need them to do to win/remain alive/kill another monster.  I suck at video games.
  7. If I get quiet, you gots a 50/50 shot of me either just being in a “small” place or being pissed off.  If I am quiet and cleaning….I’m pissed….leave me be and our home will be clean.  If I am quiet and sitting by myself…I am ok, just people watching or thinking something out.  If you interrupt quiet reflective time, I may get up and start cleaning….which isn’t good.  Walk away.  Further, this does not mean to invite me over and piss me off so I will clean your house.  That’s a dicky move.
  8. I love to throw a good party.  Truly.  I have had some that have been lacking in the past, but if left to my own devices, I can rock it out.  My goal this summer is to have such parties, however, I may have to revise the guest list….
  9. I love my new washer and dryer.  They are steam….they are front load….they are red.  I LOVE to do the laundry now…simply because I think they are shiny and pretty and apparently, I have been told, I am not allowed to actually hump them, so I must use them only.  (not really….no humping happened….to the washer and dryer).
  10. I have the perfect “thing” for my bestie for the perfect “moment”….and I am the worst at keeping presents put up or stashed for moments…so this perfect “thing” sitting around is KILLING me….damnit.
  11. The house hunting obsession is going to hit a high in 3….2…., simply because I sit around and watch way too much House Hunters and Property Virgins on HGTV…but I know I want granite countertops and apparently an open floor concept.
  12. I don’t like to share unless we are all sharing….that means, I don’t like to share toys/friends/drinks….meaning…I work hard to get what I got….and I treasure my toys/friends/depending on the day, drinks….I absolutely don’t have a problem if we share….but don’t poach…and damn sure don’t let me think you are taking from me….
  13. I have an abnormal aversion to Beyonce and Angelina Jolie.  (Total Team Jennifer here!)  I am not sure why, neither of them have done anything to me personally…but they get an eye roll and channel change when I see them…and I will leap over furniture to change a channel if anything Kardashian comes on my television…because really….that entire family is famous because Kim has a thing for tinkle?  ewwww……and go.away….NOW!!!!
  14. I have a rotating list of those I want to thump on the noggin or use a cattle prod on, depending on my mood.  However, the #1 spot has had the same person in it for two years….closely followed by the Respondent, in the #2 position.  The rest of the top ten, changes…depending on above items #1,2,3,& 7….
  15. I hate waiting….especially for test results.

And with that….I’m off….I have dinner to cook and laundry to do…and I have put it off about as long and the wife and the Boy will allow me to…they gots that hungry look in their eyes.


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