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Zero to Life.

I have realized it is October.  No shit.  Not October.  Where did this year go?!?!! I mean, fall is my favorite time of the year Halloween seems to “kick off” the holiday season for me….but really? where did time go?

I haven’t been on here much, ‘cept a dash here and there.  It’s been a roller coaster of a year.  That culminated on last Wednesday night with me having to explain to the wife how I break down.  Yep….it’s been a year.

From health issues for me that I would like to think I have completely dealt with to the daughter being on her own and me not tucking her in at night or even knowing when she gets home for the first time in 21 years…to the son discovering girls and vice versa…it’s been a hell of a ride.  From the loss of our beloved Doodle to the promotion of the wife to Lieutenant…it’s been a hell of a ride.  From hospitals to home hunting…you guessed it, it’s been a hell of a year.

I have for the most part been pretty level-headed.  I’d like to think that’s my gift in life…no matter what stress life throws at me, I can typically manage it.  I stay pretty calm.  I said “pretty calm”…don’t think there haven’t been lose-my-shit moments…but they are there, no matter how few and far between.  (don’t ask my kids)

But a couple of weeks ago, things started piling up on me.  I found that I couldn’t seem to complete one task, not even a simple one.  Hell, last Wednesday, I had gotten to a point, I couldn’t complete a sentence, much less a thought…and I literally stopped…I couldn’t handle one more thing.

So we had plans for the weekend that got re-arranged.  And it was a blessing in disguise…I didn’t do anything.  I didn’t leave the house…I literally hit Control-Alt-Delete on my life and re-charged.  For 48 hours….

I finally got centered and it was amazing today…I got stuff done, I got my point across, I got resolutions and found that in the middle of my whirlwind, I actually GOT stuff done, I just couldn’t see it.

I realize now, I had put such an emphasis on other people…that I had lost the most important thing…myself.  My feelings were on my sleeve…I was allowing my feelings to be hurt by people that (1) didn’t know they were affecting me and (2) probably wouldn’t have cared if they knew.  I was allowing my emotions to be dictated by folks that (1) couldn’t be responsible for their own bullshit and (2) probably didn’t know how to accept responsibility.

I have to do this from time to time…take an inventory of what matters to me.  Because of my nature, I allow others problems to affect me.  I know, I have said in the past that I wouldn’t do that any more…but it’s a hard habit to break.  I don’t allow it to affect me as it used to but I am still THAT person that folks go to when they have a problem…sometimes just to talk, sometimes to seek my advice (eeek!) and sometimes, they just want a hug.  (I love those times!)

My wife, my children, my family…they are the cornerstone of who I am.  They define me.  I live for these people.  I would not be who I am without the love that I have for my wife, daughter, son, mother, sister, niece, uncles, aunts and cousins…I would not have the capacity to love them or my friends that I hold so dear, if not for the path that they line for me.  The people who matter, they center me.  The love I receive from them, near and far, genetic, by marriage or simply chosen…overwhelms me.  I love my treasured peoples…even when I don’t tell them enough.  My hope is they always remember that…

I have GOT to learn how to let go.  It isn’t an option. I am beginning to realize that it’s necessary for my survival.

I have GOT to learn how to put down things that don’t work.  I only have a certain amount of time left on this rock, I have to spend it surrounded by people who want to share my time, surrounded by things that challenge me, inspire me…push me to be a better person.

Yes, my time out put a ton of stuff in perspective.  I need to focus more on my life, my family…less on the “things” that we acquire…cause I can’t take it with me, but I can certainly make an everlasting memory with my loved ones.

I had to slow down.  I had to catch my breath.

One of my sayings is “life got in my way.”  I need to remember that my life is what I make it.  My life should BE my way, not IN my way.

10, 9, 8, 7. 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….*inhale*exhale*

Remember that Stephanie…my life should BE my way, not IN my way…

Namaste.

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