I don’t even know WHERE to begin. What to tell you, what to feel. It’s been over a month and I have on many occasions thought and NEEDED to write, to get everything out, but there’s soooo much. Some is mine to share, some is for others. I have so many highs, so many lows in the past month.
I have lost track of how many times I have said, out loud to anyone who would listen, “I need a hug.”
I have counted every time someone came to my rescue. There were times, those hugs kept me going…
Things have been happening in my life for several months, like a “season” and truth be told, I am stronger, I am wiser and I have learned that I am smaller than the whole…I have lived, more than that…I am surviving.
It’s been a season of sickness, of surgery, of fear, of happy, of tears, of new beginnings, new fight stirred in one’s soul, deeper connections, more love, more laughter, more growth and…new babies.
I accept the fact and am finally at home in the role of “go-to.” Most people in my orbit, as I am told, see me as a source of strength, what they don’t understand….I draw my strength from them. From their love, their heart, their friendship. They give it to me and in turn, I am able to return it. As someone said to me, “don’t you see? You could KEEP it all for yourself, your beauty lies in the fact that you take that strength and return it, plus some.”
I don’t see it like that, but it meant and continues to mean the world to me. It gives me a peace and yes, strength, knowing that my tribe, circles around me….loving me, protecting me and holding me up. God’s Will, in my life.
I again, am watching my mom in the hospital. I am determined for the last time. She is amazing, two hip replacements, two knee replacements and countless “fixes” to the new joints…she has spent 40% of the last 10 years in the hospital…and even now, when I go see her, she smiles. It’s truly an example of her unending will to be better. And I refuse to watch her whither or feel sorry for herself…with her last setback, I just told her…”No, you will NOT spend Christmas here…I will NOT host Christmas here…you will be at my house, one way or another…” And she saw, in my face, that I wouldn’t back down. She won’t either.
I am watching a couple of loved ones fight battles that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. And all I can do is sit by, hold their hand and fight FOR them. As I told one of them, “you get today to be sad, tomorrow we fucking fight.” And they are. It’s brought us closer and has made me see them in such a different and so honorable a light, it’s amazing. I have been told “thank you for what you have done.” And I sit, thinking, “what have I done?”
The other one, has battled as quietly and gracefully as I have ever seen. Outside of the immediate family, I am the only one who knows anything. And when they called to check in with me, I quietly stopped, said a prayer and was met with, “I am grateful beyond words for your sweet soul. I thank you for praying with me, I didn’t know you were so faithful and I can hear it in your voice. It’s beautiful.”
I don’t know if I could be as strong and as positive if it was me, but I pray that I could do these things with as much grace as either of them have. I am honored they are sharing their battles with me. I love them both and there isn’t a day that I don’t have both of them on my mind almost all the time. I know in the end….these are some kick ass people and they will win their battles, I get to be their cheerleader.
My children are growing, literally and figuratively. Both are 6’+ now and are showing signs of the greatness they both possess. The daughter is growing in her relationship and in her path, knowing what she has to do in life as an adult, feeling her way through it and finally meeting it head on and dealing with it. The Boy, knowing what he wants, has set his sights on his school work and his football. He is training in off-season and is growing as an athlete. I am beyond overwhelmed that I, at one time, carried each of these amazing beings in my belly. That for the first nine months of their existence, they fit inside me and needed only me for their every need. Kinda like now, only now they are too big for my belly…
My relationship with my wife is a constant source of love and encouragement. I dare say, without her, I would be a shell. I can’t put into words the amount of love, respect and awe I feel. I look at her and am amazed everyday that she chose me. ME. Out of everyone, she chose me to marry, me to share her name, me to walk through this life with her. I look forward to growing old with her, to watching the Boy and the Daughter marry, to enjoying our travels, our grandchildren and our lives. Together. I don’t have the right words, but ohmygoditsfuckingamazingandiamtheluckiestwomanever!!!!
My sister, I believe, has met her match. I think. She’s a tough cookie. And the niece is tougher. TRUST me….mob enforcers are more yielding than the niece. Sweet Jesus. I miss my sister, but it’s the beginning and it’s all new…I remember this…and in time, there will be balance. There BETTER be balance….I don’t share my toys well and we all know the baby sister was my first and favorite toy…but I am proud of her, she’s done things to make her life better and I feel positive things for her are quickly on the horizon.
Have I told you yet how much better my life is because of my Kenner? Because she is the best friend I can ever have. The Jelly to my Peanut Butter, the ying to my yang. The Mary to my Rhoda. My biggest warrior and best alibi. The only way you could ever truly “get” our relationship is to be in the middle of our text conversations…they are so ridiculous to the outsider, but they get me through EVERYTHING. Throughout this “season,” she’s been there…when I needed a joke or for her to tell me to just shut up, stand up and deal with it…she’s been there….and to make it allllll the better, she got the wife on her side. DAMN.IT. I love when she’s here, I am sad when I watch her leave. I love making her smile, I love making her laugh. She is alternately the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other. She’s my rock-star. I am a better person because she likes me, hell, I’m a better person because she gets me.
I gotta say it….and it may sound a bit butt-kissy….but I have the greatest job….EVER!!! I mean, Bossman has given me whatever time I have needed this year for my life….from doctors, to vacations to I’m-gonna-lose-it-if-you-dont-give-me-a-damn-day-off, to the every single day I can’t get to work on time to save my life….he’s been there. When I needed just to get all the bullshit out to letting me hire/move/rearrange/give raises/time off to those who need it, he’s been there. I work with an awesome group of people who pretty much just move over and let the control freak (me) drive…they know I am loud, I get cranky and they know when to avoid eye contact (everyotherMonday)…they also know I will do everything in my power to help them any way I can and they return the favor. From my fellow managers to the reps, to the warehouse/production folks to my amazing staff…I am very lucky…I get to go somewhere that I love to be everyday.
Well, until I win the lottery, then I will love to be in Fiji…everyday.
Best of all….we got to welcome a baby…my Little Miss. She’s beautiful, got a head full of hair and smells like a baby! She’s 6 lbs, 10 ozs of perfection and we love her so. I have discovered the wife is alllllll about the baby presents and every time we are at a store, we are in the baby section. Little Miss will want for nothing and her Aunties will see to that. I love seeing new relationships, new families develop. The smiles between them, the way they are starting to finish each others sentences, knowing what one needs without a single word. I wish this for everyone…it’s called bliss.
yep, this “season” has been one helluva ride. I have loved every happy, sad, frustrating, teaching, laughing, scary moment. I can’t wait for what tomorrow holds.
I got this.