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Lately.

I keep promising to get better at this, to post more…but my life continues to get in my way.  Lately, every day feels like a Monday and it’s really wearing thin.

Not much is going on in my world, I have been dealing with a boatload of stress and as much as I like to think I handle it well, I feel like I am being awfully complainy lately.  I don’t like it.  I need to stop, pull up my britches and accept the fact that I am only me, I am only human and can only do 14 things at one time…that the 15th thing is gonna have to wait.in.line.

Lately, I have been supremely insecure.  About what?  Everything….

I know I am loved, I know have many friends that love me…it’s not that…it’s that little voice in my head that tells me “you’re not worth it.  you’re not as great as everyone thinks you are.”

I immediately feel like that chick in school, I didn’t wear the “in” clothes, I didn’t go to high school parties…I wasn’t part of that crowd.  I wasn’t popular, at all.  I had my crew of friends, yet even within my friends, I felt like the outsider. I didn’t have the cool car, I had a hand me down. I wasn’t the blondest, the prettiest, the smartest or the funniest.  I had my group of friends….and they had other friends….and I wasn’t up to par.

I know, I know….shut.up.

I think many folks feel like this.  And I can sum it up in one word…inadequate.

Always have.  Prolly always will.  I will look at a picture of me and tear myself apart. Doesn’t matter what others say, it’s what that little voice says.

I have learned how to ignore the voice, how to center myself and to trust the circle of people I allow close enough.  But I often wonder…do others feel like this?  Do others wear the same armor I do?  How do others keep the voices at bay?

I use this blog to throw up my ideas.  I use Facebook and Twitter…I use sarcasm and self-depreciation.  That is my armor.  The little voice tells me “you share too much, people think you are that geek….” and I will retype, reread and edit this until I am dizzy from overthinking.

Maybe that’s IT!!!  I think too much.  Because obviously, others don’t think at all.  And they seem way more content with themselves than I do.  I will turn myself inside out to improve me.  To improve my life, my wife’s life, my children’s lives.  And others make it look so easy.  It’s infuriating!

Quite possibly, I am my own worst enemy.  I used to think it was the Respondent…but I figured out long ago, he’s harmless.  Yup…it doesn’t matter what anyone says about me…the worst is the easiest to believe.  In the times when I get my “back” up and get righteous, I will defend myself, most times on this blog…it’s mine, I can say what I want, haters be damned.

I need to continue to remember what my dad used to tell me…”shine.  just shine.  from your eyes to your smile….just shine.”

In the quiet time, as I close my eyes, the doubt creeps in.  Luckily, the wife is there…and when it’s bad, somehow she knows.  And I feel her hand on my shoulder or my arm and I realize, I am worth it.

I am human.  I am awkward, I am cool.  I am a good mom, I am a good wife.  A good daughter and good sister.  I am the best I can be and that has to be enough.

Doubt keeps me humble.  Doubt pushes me.

I can look back at my younger self…the awkward teen with the braces. My, how far I have come.  I have kept those that help shape me close.  My friends from my school years.  I count them among my dearest.  And the memories they have of me are decidedly different from what I have of me.  I know that I’m okay.

Lately, I have decided to embrace my doubt, my insecurity, my awkward.  Embracing it fuels me.  If I am who I think am, then I need to do whatever it takes to continue to be what others see.  How can I do anything else?

It’s up to me to fight.  It’s up to me to beat back the voices and realize that with age comes experience.  That brings wisdom.  I need to remember who I was, who I am and the possibility of who I can be.

I need to just shine.

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