Another day. Another year.

There’s no other daddy like mine.  He was the best daddy I could have ever had.

My earliest memory is with my dad.  I was 3 1/2. My dad had taken me to see Cinderella.  Mom was home with my baby sister.  It was Christmas time and I remember looking at the colorful lights through the frosty windows as we drove down the street.  I remember him opening the door for his  “little lady”, the way I felt safe.  And proud.  I was daddy’s date.  I was dressed up and had on my black shiny dress shoes and my mom had done my hair in pretty pigtails…including ribbons that matched my dress.  I was a very loved child.  I remember the screen, the movie, the songs,  I was entranced.  And I was with the most important man in my life.

He was my hero and larger than life.  He was taken from us too quickly.

My dad taught me respect, for myself, for others  He taught me how to love, unconditionally and with all of me.  He taught me to live with no regret.  To learn lessons from my mistakes. To not have any expectations of others, to accept people for who they are and that the people who seem the most damaged are the ones who need my friendship the most.  To never judge a person based on others perceptions, make up my own mind.

He gave me strength.

He taught me that I need to dig in, give 100% of myself, so if I walk away from a person or situation,  I can do so, knowing I could do nothing more than I did.  That I never left with questions unanswered.

Well, I have one unanswered question…

Dad, why did you leave?

I ask this question when I get scared, when I get sad…and I realize that it is the most selfish question I can ever ask.  And I feel horrible and petty and small.

Then I have to work my way around it, in my way, to make it work in my head.  Dad had to go because he was needed somewhere else.  God had other plans for him.  It has to be enough.  And remarkably, it is.

Every day, I miss him.  Every year, it’s just as hard.

As much as I miss him,  I don’t like to think about today.  And I can remember, in minute detail, every moment of that day.  I can remember what I was wearing, what the weather was like, how the sirens sounded…all of it.  clearly.  damn.it.

I don’t want to think about him, it reminds me of how much I miss him, how big the hole in my heart is.  How I am no longer Daddy’s Girl or his “little lady,” that there are no more frosty Christmases with him…that I can’t hold his hand or feel his hug.

And yet, I never want to forget it.

Yes, it’s been 16 years today that you left us.

Dad, you are still part of my life, everyday.

I’ll see you again.

Bye for now.

 

 

Chapter One. Page One.

Last night, the bestie and I were enjoying a FaceTime conversation and I was lamenting on the turd burger that was December, she said to me…”it’s 2014, a new book, a new chapter.” And I completely agreed…

then 20 minutes later, I had something happen that sucked the hope of a new chapter right out of my body and I sat, stewing for two hours.  TWO HOURS!!!! And the wife tried like crazy to stop it, but she saw me spin out and finally realized I had to work through it. And let me.

Today, she showed me a meme that spoke so loudly to me, it was a scream in my head…I really, really wish I had seen this a year ago….before my irritation got the best of me and turned me into a shrew of a person…but I got it, I get it…and I’m gonna share it.

Its called the 7 Cardinal Rules for Life.  And it goes like this…

1.  MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST…so it won’t disturb your present.

2. WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU is none of your business.

3. TIME HEALS ALMOST EVERYTHING…give it time.

4. NO ONE IS IN CHARGE OF YOUR HAPPINESS…except you.

5. DON’T COMPARE YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS…and don’t judge them, you have no idea what their journey is all about.

6. STOP THINKING TOO MUCH…it’s alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.

7. SMILE…you don’t own all the problems in the world.

W.O.W.

These 7 sentences hit me square between the eyes and I have thought about this allllllll day…I have spent the day reflective and thinking, to the point I have given myself two separate headaches today…

here goes…

I like me.  It’s been a long time since I have actually said that about me…but I do, I like me.

i spent the better part of the year allowing other folks to control my emotions, to get in my head and create this black cloud that followed me.  I could shake it off for a day or two, but the someone would post something on social media and I would instantly grow cloudy. They don’t mean to, their world doesn’t revolve around me anymore than my world truly revolved around them…but if it hit me, “just right”…I was done.

I also spent time this year reconciling myself and several relationships.  I learned that if a person popped in my mind, I needed to let them know, right then.  So I did, I do….I will text or call someone, just to say “Hi!” and to let them know they were on my mind.  I’ve bought coffee or breakfast for complete strangers.  I’ve told folks when they looked nice, or I smiled and met their eyes.  It’s been hard, at times, because it’s not my nature…but I’ve done it and it makes me happy, making someone smile.

I realized others don’t do that, or rarely do so TO me…and as a society, that made me sad…it’s actually quite easy.

I reached out to right a wrong earlier this year, to tell someone I was sorry for how things had gone, how our friendship had ended.  I wished them well and closed the door.  And then…they knocked on that door and we have picked back up…like we didn’t miss a day.  All because I decided to put the anger aside and just apologize for being a shit.

I have now decided that I am going to quit giving into my perceptions of what others think of me…like #2 says, it’s none of my business.  I know me, my heart and my character…that’s all I need…

I have now decided that others may not care about me, what I do or what I think.  And that’s okay. Good luck to them. I can’t be everything to everyone.  I can be the friend, sister, mother, wife that I am supposed to be, that has to be enough. For those that I love and that love me, it will be.

I realize that my past has brought me to my present and will lead me to my future, but it is the past.  I can’t undo it, I can’t change it.  I am who I am because of everyone and everything in my life, I have learned lessons from hurt and happy….I have no regrets.  Only lessons learned…

I understand that there are always more than one side to every story, not everyone wants to listen to me with an open mind or open heart and that has to be okay.  It has to be okay that there are people who will judge me or my actions based on what they are told..not on what they see nor will they hear me…

And I realized that I will no longer defend me, my past or my actions to anyone…those that actually matter, know me, know my history and know my integrity…that matter.  That’s all that matters.

I like me.  I like many…those are the people that I am going to focus on…and my present…leaving the past in my rear view mirror and moving towards my future.

full of love.

full of laughter.

full of life.

full of bliss.

Time to turn the page…