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Lesbian, Part 4,732

It’s amazing to me, I am still asked some of the weirdest questions about being a lesbian…so maybe I can wrap a couple of things up and put some of the mystery to rest.

1.   No, I don’t know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

2.   No, not everything in my home is rainbow themed.  In fact, I have two scarves that are rainbow, that’s IT…not even a rainbow magnet on the fridge.

3.   Not all lesbians pray at the altar of Melissa Etheridge or Pink.  Or Angelina Jolie.

4.   Nor do we all appreciate Indigo Girls.

5.   Still don’t have my wallet attached to a chain.

6.   we do not strip off nekkid and run around the yard every time there are more than 4 of us together…that’s saved for special occasions, like New Years, or Saturday nights.

7.   We do not all drink whiskey…however, I have met one or two that can prolly drink you under a table.

8.   yes, we know Ellen is gay, so is Portia.  So is Meredith Baxter (the mom from Family Ties).  So was Katherine Hepburn…we.are.everywhere…

9.   We don’t all want to actually BE men.

10.  It’s not a first date thing to pull up with a U-Haul and move it, that’s at least the second date.  Third if you’re really standoff-ish.

11.  Like Elvis, there are two stages of k.d.Lang appreciation, 90’s version and 2k version…either one rocks, so it’s basically just your personal preference.

12.  The chick standing next to you, is three beers and a pillow fight away from being “experimental.”

13.  There isn’t a secret handshake.

14.  Yes, the stripper grinding on you as you pay her for that lap dance, might very well be gay…you’re dumb ass just thinks you can score with her…but go ahead and give her another $20…she’ll be Mary Poppins if it will keep your wallet open.

15.  No, we don’t all own stock in all things Affliction or Ed Hardy…we leave that to the less fortunate.

16.  Last time, no, I’m not interested in your little swimmers, stop offering them.

17.  Last time, yes I still wear makeup. And carry a purse.  I’m also still scared of spiders.

18.  Last time, there isn’t a “man” in this relationship…kinda defeated the whole purpose of being a lesbian, yes?

19.  Last time, no, my kids aren’t gay.  Go ahead and ask them….I double dog dare you.

20.  For heavens sake…no, you can’t change me…and no, I really, REALLY don’t appreciate the offer…but thanks!

Perhaps the next a-hole that wants to be cute or funny can come up with some original questions.  I’m gonna get this shit printed on business cards and start stapling them to people’s foreheads.

Perhaps it shouldn’t matter because I don’t ask these questions of you…or maybe I have something you are lacking…they’re called manners.  You should get some.

Let’s just kick back, have a beer and think about other things, things we can fix…global warming, war in the Middle East or world hunger…

you just leave the heavy lifting to us dykes… 😉

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