I miss my dad tonight. I mean, I miss him, deeply. There are times that I would give everything I own to have a moment with him. Just one more moment, to tell him I love him, to tell him how proud I am to be his daughter.
Just one moment that would never end…
I used to hear his voice, I used to smell something that would bring him back in such a way, I could literally imagine he was in the room. I would hear someone laugh and swear it was him. Once, at a Garth Brooks concert after his death, I swear on all things holy, I saw him. A couple of rows down…almost close enough to touch….and then I blinked and he was gone.
I do okay 99% of the time. I know that I carry him in my heart, I know that he surrounds me and still loves me. I have never doubted his love or pride for me, or for being the father of the Tullos Girls. That we were his world.
But that 1% of the time, the loss is hard to bear. It’s like a boulder sitting on my chest to a point that I can’t breathe. I just want to understand, but it’s not mine to question.
Tonight, there’s been a lot of reflection of my life, certain parts of my life that have shaped me and at some point hurt me. After the discussion, I looked at the wife, and said “I just really need my dad right now. To see him, to have him hug me and hold me strong.” All she could do is hold me and hug me…and let me hurt.
I realized that there are things in my life that as much as I want to think I have let it go, over the years, I have grown as a person, that I have simply pushed it down so far that I don’t access it. It’s things that I will never put out here, it’s things I won’t share with many….the wife, the sister, the bestie…and the daughter…because these are the ones that at my core, I trust, with my raw places…with my hurt, my insecurity and my scars. These strong women, they love me through it, because of it…and because they have lived through much of it, if not all of it, with me.
The wife told me that I needed to write about it…as this blog is my therapy. I don’t believe in conventional therapy, it’s not for me…too many trust issues. But I told her, it’s not for blog consumption…I will share with you much of who I am, but you don’t need that…you come here for cornhole jokes, gay rules and my exasperation as the mother of two mouthy beautiful mini me’s that tower over me and can’t cook….you know fun stuff.
No…I won’t drag you into it…no need to peek behind the curtain…what you see is what you are gonna get. I once heard that blogs are just a place for narcissism and egotistical people who want to scream “mememememememe!” I’m NOT that person. I put words out here to be enjoyed…
Tonight, is mememememememe….for just a moment.
I miss him tonight, he could make this go away. He could pick this boulder up and set it aside. He could make me lighter and stronger. My memories of him make me stronger daily.
Sometimes it hurts. Too much. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it through this…then I have to suck it up, pick myself up, push it back down and breathe.
Right now, it hurts.