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I can’t say.

I have a bad habit. Shocking, I know, but I do. I tend to hold stuff in until I explode. Doesn’t make for an always healthy zen in my world or a feeling of peaceful personal growth, but I have a truly sarcastic nature that at times can border on nasty. It’s not that I do it on purpose, but it just happens…

When I perceive a “slight” of some sort, I tend to shut down, keep it inside and try like hell to get over it. 99% of the time I can. But that 1% can be a doozy. To me, my wife, my kids or my bestie, as they are typically the ones I will vent to, lash out at or snark around the house with. I’ve never said it was easy to live with me, I just said I keep it interesting.

Lately, I’ve had a lot I wanted to say to several people, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to say it in a text, a phone call or in person.

Sometimes, it’s because I value my job and to say what I am thinking might cost me said job. Or cause Bossman to launch into vapors cleaning up the carnage I will leave behind with my sharpened tongue and vicious words. I tend to get over this a bit faster. I do work hard at leaving work at work, but the wife does get the end of the day bitchfest and I love her more because she will tell me I’m right and I’m pretty and smart….

Other times, it’s to keep the peace with my family. I have to live with 4 of these people, so to unleash the Krakken in the house would cause arguments, silent treatment and/or broken dishes. From me, not them…they tend to run to the furthest room to retreat until I calm the hell down and cook dinner. This is more rare for me…we know how to work with each other, to calm each other and support each other. There are others in my family that at this point, it doesn’t matter what is said…we are who we are and after 40 plus years as a family, nothing any of us say is going to change the “id” of this family. We are a cracked bunch of people, but we have healed these cracks with a glue called love. It holds us close.

The ones that I have to bite my tongue with the most are friends. Not my true to the core, through thick and thin friends…but the folks that have in the past been a solid part of my life and now have moved past me. Not that I am completely innocent in the failing of any friendships, but I’m not completely to blame…

I can’t say to them how I feel lost, or betrayed. How I feel like I have put more into this friendship than they have. I can’t say to the how it hurts to watch them through social media have lives that at one time included me. I can’t say to them how confused I am by the way I was so easily cast aside.

I can’t say it, because I don’t want to let them hear the hurt in my voice, see the tears in my eyes or the confusion about what happened. I don’t want them to see that they have affected my life in any way…

I can’t say to them that I miss them. I miss the good times. I can’t say it because I don’t want to see the insincere look of concern or hear the words that don’t meet the eyes.

I can say, in the past months, I have found that there are some folks that freaking love me, just as I am. That I do have friends that think of me as often as I think of them. That even though we have busy lives, kids, jobs and commitments, they reach out, send a word or two of love and support. These people, from the west coast to the east coast, from the north to the south, make my day, with just a text, or a comment…I know when they take the time to reach out, they love me. And I love them more for it.

I tried. Earlier this year, I made the commitment to just reach out to folks when I thought of them, just to say “Hi! Have a great day!” And I did this, many times…I stopped when I was met with continued silence. It wasn’t to start a conversation or anything deep…but it just got weird and well, if folks don’t respond, I tend to feel stupid. I don’t like feeling stupid.

I can’t say enough to those that love me how much I appreciate you. I can’t tell you enough how much I love each of you. I can’t say enough that although I may have a small “tribe” but you are my tribe and I will always be in your corner. And thank you for being there and loving me.

Folks, if someone crosses your mind, tell them. It may be the one thing they need to make the day better. Love each other always.

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