Home » Dialogue for the Masses » Ohhhh youth.

Ohhhh youth.

Dear younger me,

There are a few things I want to tell you. Now, before you start rolling your eyes, listen to me. I’ve been there and I truly wish I had a wiser, older me around to tell me these things.

No, you don’t know everything. No, you won’t always learn from your mistakes and no, you don’t have all the time in the world…so sit down, shut up and take some notes.

1. When you start working, invest in something called 401k. Start early, you’re gonna need it. Don’t touch it. It will turn into more money and when you get REALLY old and retire, you will have something to carry you through.

2. Gravity is not your friend. As you get older, it will grab hold of your hips, your chin and your boobs. Look at your mother…those will be your boobs someday. Get a good bra. WEAR a bra. Don’t argue.

3. Speaking of aging…start moisturizing, NOW. Use sunscreen. Always. With all the laying out and swimming and running around like a banshee in the sun, you’re gonna end up looking like a handbag and wonder what the hell happened. Those crowsfeet are bastards and they don’t fuck around. Moisturize.

4. Sun In is NOT your friend. Never use it. EVER. You are a little Mexican girl, it will turn your hair orange. Not a good look for anyone. You are not a pretty blonde, never bleach your hair. Darker is more mysterious…stay away from bleach.

5. Your father will tell you “cover up, leave something to the imagination!” He’s right, you don’t need to look like a baby prostitute every time you leave the house. Modesty will be a novelty when you get older.

6. Speaking of modesty, watch out who is taking pictures and what you are doing…there’s a thing in the future called “the Internet” and “Facebook and Instagram.” They have this fun little thing called “Throwback Thursday”. If you aren’t careful, these photos will not be your friend. You will not want to explain to your children twenty years from now why you don’t have a shirt on or what that “funny little cigarette” is.

7. Spend time with your grandparents and your parents. Talk to them. Listen to their stories. They are living history books and are witness to some of the greatest events of your lifetime. It will matter.

8. Be respectful, you little shit. Otherwise, when you have children (oh, you will) they will be 10 times worse than you. It’s called karma. And it is just and fair…so keep your room clean and your mouth shut.

9. Do your homework, pay attention and go to college. It’s way easier to get it done and be done, rather than try to do so once you are married and a mommy. Trust me…get it done as soon as you graduate, don’t wait, don’t “take a year off to find yourself”. Suck.it.up.

10. Pedicures and orgasms. Wait for both. Don’t listen to all your friends say they have done it. Wait for the right person. Once you find the person who gives you both, amazingly, you will know it was worth the wait. And no, not everyone is doing it and no, not everyone is good at both, or either of them. You need to be really, um, picky…

Yes…just a few words of advice. I’m going to let you suffer through mullets, purple hair dye, pale makeup, too much eyeliner and too much bronzer, I think some things build character. You will survive tight rolled jeans, Kaepas and friendship pins. You’ll even survive that unfortunate unibrow and perms.

Learn to love unconditionally and without judgement or reservation. Everyone needs a friend. Don’t stop at the surface of people, go deeper…it’s your calling. Get inside and be there, be present. Never judge anyone…it will be brutal when you are older, lots of people will show you judgements, don’t be one of those people. Love. It’s that simple.

You won’t always be friends with everyone you know and you won’t marry the first boy you love. Or the second or third. You will have your heart stomped on by mean girls and dickhead boys…you will survive.

Everyone gets older and when you go to your reunion, you will see, those popular girls got “curvy” and those hot boys lost their hair. Most of them will be divorced and just.like.you.

Time levels the playing field. You will find your voice. You will find your inner strength and beauty. You will become a badass.

Relax, enjoy. Live, love and laugh. Always laugh.

Good luck.

Oh!

P.S. This is the MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I CAN TEACH YOU….

…you will meet an amazing and really hot girl named Kristi. Look past the mullet. Those “butterflies” you feel mean something. Talk to her, get in her line of sight and stay there…you’re gonna be gay. It’s okay. But she’s your One. Stick with her. Those “butterflies,” that’s love. Once in a lifetime love. She will fall in love with you too…if I teach you nothing else, I hope you find her sooner than I (you) did.

One thought on “Ohhhh youth.

  1. If only we all could have left our younger me’s this vital information…..good post. You are very lucky to find that one special someone to give you butterflies.

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