I can’t figure out if I’m really angry or just really tired. I’m trying to figure out if it’s stress or heartburn. I want to figure how to get out of this bullshit mood I find myself in…I feel stuck in it.
As I read through previous entries, I find I reach out to this blog for many reasons. Some are funny, some sarcastic. Other times, it’s to grieve for various things…my father, the fate of the next generation, the demise of my waistline and manners…
I realized, there are many entries about my hurt feelings. The key to these…I let others hold my emotions hostage. Apparently, I always have and probably always will. I talk a good game about letting others go and to let my strength in myself be enough, but WHAM!!! Next blog, same song. I’m wondering when I’m gonna hit that limit. When is enough, enough?
I read others blogs. I read others posts…I see how they learn to cut and run to save themselves. Why can’t I? Someone teach me.
I have completely retreated into myself. I feel it. I know it. And I don’t care.
I’m angry. Because I feel like I have cared and chased people like a junkie chases the dragon. It’s made me insecure and sad. Like I’m not good enough and well…that sucks. I’m angry because I have allowed others into my head and they have messed around in there and changed me. Fuck you, that’s not nice.
I have to slow down sometimes, remember I am not the only person out there. I’m not the only one with stress and pressures. The world doesn’t revolve around me. Then I realize THAT’S my problem. I’ve always allowed everyone else’s problems, pressures and stress matter more than mine. I don’t tell people but I damn sure get mad when I feel taken for granted.
I guess it’s my fault I don’t matter to folks more. I don’t weigh them down with my problems. I prefer to keep them internally and work it out in my own. I am drowning in stress right now. To the point I can’t put it into words. I honestly feel invisible and that makes me insecure. That leads to anger…and sarcasm. This should be fun.
I’ll be fine. I don’t need insincerity and effort now…chances are, I won’t answer or return a call until I bounce back. And I don’t know how long that’s gonna take.
I’ve learned, in 44 years, this post isn’t gonna change anything…folks will still abuse my friendship, love and good manners. People will still walk all over me. And I will continue to let them and blog about it later…this thought makes me tired. Maybe my gift is being a doormat and I just need to embrace it.
Nah….this time is different. I feel it. As these words leave my mind and flow through my fingers, I feel ease. I feel weight lifting off my shoulders. This time, I won’t let people back in…they keep me at arms length, I shall learn to return the favor.
I am going to treasure the handful of people that I have. There is this group of random folks that make me smile…those get my affection and attention.
I apparently have a few things to figure out.