Previously, I wrote how tired and angry I was about people holding my emotions hostage and firmly taking responsibility for allowing it. This still holds true. I’ve spent some time just not talking lately. Not talking, not reconciling, not worrying or being responsible for others feelings…just being me…
It’s been wonderful. It’s been eye opening. I’m happy and my only stressors right now, are because I allow the stress. It’s not been heaved upon me.
Here’s the thing, just because I say have shut down, I’ve learned to do that doesn’t mean I retreat to a corner and have no human contact. It means I shut down about other people. About making sure they were okay and making my happiness be all about their happiness.
That entire last sentence has been the “id” of my whole life. That I put other peoples feelings and happiness ahead of mine. Always. That I found my worth and happiness was locked up in how others days were going. It is an exhausting exercise in futility.
Because…others don’t return that favor…and that’s okay. They learned way before I did that just because I was having a bad day due to hair style, work, family or PMS…it does not factor into their world. I thought about them way more than they thought about me. It’s supposed to work like this, I think.
I’ve learned that I made mistakes in my past…I will make more mistakes in my future. I’m damn close to perfect, but I’m not even close to perfect. I’m just doing what I do. However, you can hold into every mistake I’ve made and scream at me about it over and over…doesn’t change that I did it, I probably apologized and move forward. Not because I’m callous or uncaring, but because I have to. I can’t live in the past and twist myself over and over because I hurt you or I may have lied about something. I came back, I owned it. I have to live in forgiveness of that mistake. Let me.
I can only teach my children from my mistakes. I can’t make them DO what I say…not really. I can tell them consequences of actions, but ultimately, one is an adult and the other is moving towards adulthood…I am at a point, I teach lessons, I offer advice, but they both have minds and strong wills. They will be equipped with knowledge and support, but they have to gain experience.
I can only support my extended family. I don’t live in their day to day life. I can’t make judgement calls or decisions that impact a life I don’t live. My mother and my sister have their own worlds that they are responsible for. For me to force or dictate my will on them only causes problems. I don’t have their pressures or stresses. I have to love them, rally when needed and love and laugh always.
Then there is my chosen family…my friends. I have come to realize that I have held tight to MANY friendships that I needed to let go of my grip. Not necessarily let go of the friend, but accept that like hairstyles, fashion and waistlines, friendships change.
I realize that in life, times and people change. That with time comes experience and that good or bad, experience changes people. Duh. I’VE changed, why would I expect everyone else to be the same?
My friends have other friends. I may or may not be friends with them…but they have experiences with other friends they may not have with me. This may bring them closer to other people and further from me. I have, for my whole life let that hurt me and make me angry. I have let it ruin my day, my emotions and in some cases, the friendship. I have a couple of friendships right now, that I feel that distance from. It hurts me, because they move forward and I feel left behind. I still feel the bond and the memories of a friendship that has changed with time and experience. I may not want to let go, but the person I was isn’t the person I am. And I, as this new person, may no longer need that friendship. I have to learn to be okay with that.
There was a moment about a week ago the wife looked at me and just simply asked, “what’s wrong with what you have?”
The answer is nothing. I have enough.
I have enough love and happiness to get me through the day. I have enough support and self-strength that I will not falter without someone there to catch me. I have enough laughter and love to share with those in my world and those that will enter my world.
I have enough desire to seek out new experiences and with those new experiences, comes new friendships. New friendships to compliment the ones I hold dear to me. I have the friendships that endure, that are part of my life experiences that have grown stronger with time. I will add new friends and experiences to this blend of humans and see what happens. I am excited about this.
Sometimes, experiences change existing friendships. As I continuously seem to mourn the passing of a few distinct friendships into acquaintances, it has left me with existing friendships that I woke up to in new light. People who once were those acquaintances have become rock solid people I dearly love.
About a week ago. I woke up one morning with so much love and happy in my heart….I could not keep it to myself. And the people that filled my heart needed to know…so I did just that…I shared it. And it felt amazing. And for the first time, I didn’t worry about who was doing what or hanging out with whom, I didn’t feel excluded or unwanted. I felt love. And happy. And joy.
And that was enough.