My mood lately has been a roller coaster, at best. Last night, for the first time in the last 30 days, I laughed. Not just a little bit, but I threw my head back and laughed with my whole body. It felt amazing. And so needed.
See, I have let a couple of folks hold me and my emotions hostage. Folks that are supposed to be close, folks that are supposed to be there, through thick or thin with me. Oh, it’s not their fault. I allowed it. I allowed them to affect me. I guess I thought that we were closer, that I affected them and they would NEVER treat me in such a manner.
I forgot, some people, for the most part, suck.
I forgot, some people, for the most part, are only there when they need you.
I couldn’t believe it was these some peoples in particular.
Folks, I will own that I can be a shitty friend, that I can be the one person to not return a phone call or forget a birthday on Facebook. I am the shitty friend that wants to visit, but can’t seem to get out of my own house to go anywhere. I am the shitty friend. Yeah,me. right….
I will own that I am quick to temper, I’m chubby, I have self-control and motivation issues, especially when it comes to dark chocolate. I will own that I love to cook/hate to cook, that I laugh too loud, cry too quick and love too hard. I am too loyal sometimes to the wrong person and will stay in situations far past the “good by” date on friendships and relationships. I own it.
If that makes me a shitty person, well, sign me up….
So let me tell you “some peoples” a thing or two…I am not playing these bullshit, petty, childish games with you any longer. If you want to be my friend, if you want to be in my life, then you act like it. Or you will be gone.
I can no longer abide by folks blaming me for their place in life, for their actions, for their stupid decisions and mistakes. If you want to keep something from me, don’t tell me you don’t lie to me. Because when I ask you a question point blank and you sidestep or “shade” your answer, you are lying to me. I am worth the truth.
Don’t ever, EVER compare my friendship to another. That is hurtful and dismissive. If you want to be dismissive of our friendship, then I can totally dismiss you. For.good.
Don’t do some stupid shit and then go back and blame ME for it. Own your own mistakes, put on your big girl panties and move on. Shutting me out isn’t the way to fix it. Apologizing won’t fix it. TALKING TO ME will. I guarantee you, hearing my voice will help a whole lot more than shutting me out.
I have prided myself on being the best I can be…wife, mother, sister, daughter….friend. All of it. And I have allowed some peoples to lately make me doubt my own worth. These are people who are supposed to love me and lift me up. They make me feel wrong. They make me feel worthless.
I am none of these things. Fuck you for making me feel this way.
I think it’s time to find some peoples that make me feel good about me, that make me feel good about just being me.
I need to remember to laugh.
I need to remember I am worth the truth.
I need to remember I am not going to mean as much to others as they mean to me.
I need to remember it’s okay to let go.
I need to remember to not allow others to rule my emotions.
I need to be me.