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Rules for shopping.

I try really, REALLY hard not to lose my shit in crowds, specifically grocery store crowds.  More specifically, WalMart crowds. Therefore, I submit the following rules.

  1. Have a list, a plan, an idea of WHAT you are needing at WalMart.  Learn from my experience, if you go in without any of the aforementioned items…you will spend the house pay, car payment and quite possibly the children’s college fund on items you absolutely don’t need.  Ever.
  2. KNOW THE FLOOR PLAN.  You will save yourself and those around you if you know where you are going and you will not find yourself spinning in circles on the dog food aisle because you forgot light bulbs across the store. Not that this has happened to me.
  3. Have an escape plan.   For real. The stuff you need will always be at the back of the store.  Be ready to take shortcuts and corners quickly to maintain your sanity.
  4. If you have Xanax, take one.  If not, find a friend…that has some, borrow it.
  5. Have bail money and a friends phone number memorized, just in case.
  6. Understand the RIGHT OF WAY. This isn’t Europe, it’s f*cking WalMart…damn.
  7. Yield.to.the.aisle. Don’t be a dick, allow people to merge.  I promise, I am not trying to get the last can of pumpkin pie filling, you can act like a human…
  8. If you have two or more children and another adult in the household, DON’T bring the entire family to the grocery store.  Leave the 3.4 children, the grandmother, aunt, husband, cousin and great-Uncle at the house.  Take them to the park for a family outing.  Not the store.
  9. Don’t smell test all the body spray.  Well, maybe you, you smell a bit musty…it may be helpful.
  10. Put your cart up. Do not watch me attempt to pull into a spot only to cockblock me by putting your cart at the end of said parking spot. Because I hate you.

Let’s try to work together, mmmmkay?

Happy Thanksgiving…fa lala lala

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