Ever wonder what a thunderbolt feels like? Well, I just had it happen and let me tell you…now, I just feel alone and wanna cry. Just cry until there is nothing left.
About a year ago, my best friend decided that she would do something that would forever and irreparably change our friendship. And by change, I mean blow it apart. I’ll take my responsibility in it’s demise, because I thought to save her, from herself, from the unknown. Only it got twisted around on me and now I am best friend-less. I mourn it like a death, which is fitting, because she did text “you are dead to me” on that fateful night/early morning. I have more good days than bad. I no longer dwell on it. It is what it is. I can’t go back, I can’t fix it, I can’t change it…or her. It’s definitely changed me and I honestly wish her well, but away from me.
I have people that surround me and love me fiercely. I have found this to be truer in the past year, than ever before. I have strength and lightness, I laugh, I breathe…I’m okay. I’m better than okay…life is sweet and I am blessed beyond measure. And in reading the texts and emails over and over to get my head around what happened, I realize there is more in my world than the bestie and just how much energy she soaked up in the last 8 months of our friendship. Good.God. Doesn’t take away from the fact that she is part of my history and I miss her ALL THE TIME, but I didn’t realize that the darkness had crept into our friendship until I could see it afterwards. And had people tell me I wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t wrong…that they loved me.
I have also realized I will never have another friend like the bestie. That the milestone events in my life have for the most part, happened (birth, death, divorce, coming out, etc.) and she shared them. That there were no events like this on my horizon and nothing to take a friendship to the level that ours was. I told the wife “I don’t have the energy to start over again. I have you. I have my kids, my family, my friends…it has to be enough. I can’t do that again.”
There have been two occasions lately where I really needed her. I needed that bestie that just “got me.” someone to talk to me, to make me feel a little bit better about choices I made, to tell me if I was wrong in the best way possible. The wife has tried to help me through both. The daughter has weighed in…here’s my problem with this…
One is my wife. One is my daughter.
I know, I know, the adage…”you should always marry your best friend!” I have. This woman makes me laugh until I pee. She holds me when I am sad and pisses me off to a level that not many others can. She is my protector, my comfort, my laughter and joy. But there are times that even she gets testy at my neuroses, I mean really…who wouldn’t? There are times I need to hide my insecurity and show her how confident I am. I need to have someone other than my wife tell me “no, she’s ugly, you’re way prettier!” or “you’re right, she is a total bitch!” or “you’re a great mother/wife/sister/daughter!” Because my wife is supposed to tell me such things, it’s in the vows (somewhere!) so, I need an outside opinion every once in a while…because I am such a needy mess of mascara, the wife needs backup sometimes. Sometimes, she needs a break, even if she won’t admit it.
The Daughter…God, I screwed up so much as her mother, I am grateful she talks to me. She was my firstborn, by starter child, the one I made 99% of my mistakes with. That she is as incredible as she is, is a testament to her fortitude as a human. And she is wise beyond her years. Which has made her vulnerable to mommy being needy. And that’s not fair. She’s trying to learn her own way, she doesn’t need to spend her time comforting or affirming that I am a good mommy or a good person. She doesn’t need to see behind the curtain and realize her mommy is neurotic and a mess and not nearly as put together as she wants everyone to think she is. No…she shouldn’t shoulder the weight of this bullshit…but it sure is easy to talk to her and that makes it way too easy to involve her in things that she shouldn’t have to worry about.
Anyway, twice. this second time, I actually texted the Daughter, “Sorry you’ve become my best friend. There was an opening.”
I then burst into tears.
Damnit…I am stronger than this. I don’t need a bestie. I can do this alone. right?
That thunderbolt literally made my head swim. I have to do this alone. I no longer have a choice. By saving someone from themselves, I no longer have a choice to have my bestie. I made a choice to save her, sacrifice the friendship…thinking “oh, we’ll get through this, we always do.” And I have never been more wrong about anything in my life.
That thunderbolt made me realize, I don’t know that aside from the aforementioned souls, I don’t think I have ever had anyone just “pick my side.” And it alternately pisses me off and renders me immobile. I left it all on the table with the bestie. That it was me and her, and anyone else was just someone we let in. But never as close as we were. No one else gets the fart jokes, or Stoogle, or the years of tears and laughter. Now, I got no one. In my tunnel vision of loyalty and love…it was the bestie and I…and I didn’t leave room for anyone else and that has been a rookie mistake. It’s my own doing and I am gonna sit here and be pathetic.
I’ll be okay in a minute.