A couple of facts:
2017 has been a way harsh shit show.
I am exhausted.
To be clear, I will take some, but not all, of the blame for the current state of affairs in my world. I own my part. But I am no longer in the market to own anyone else’s part in the bullshit that has dominated my life for the year 2017 and sadly, looks to be the way of the future.
Further, I have apologized for the last fucking time for anything that happened prior to this moment, or this one, or this one…you get my drift. Nope, not again. The “I’m sorry” store has closed.
I cannot change the past, nor am I in the mood to continue discussing it. I get it, I was a terrible person, I have done shitty things to people that I love. I get it. I have apologized and I have tried to move past it. I can’t continue to relive every single word, I can’t continue to have them bang around in my head and tear me apart, on a daily basis.
The only way a person can heal is to acknowledge the mess, learn from it and move forward. If you choose not to do so for yourself, I can’t do it for you. I have forgiven and asked for forgiveness. If you choose NOT to forgive me and stay away, that’s your choice. Not mine. But I will continue to respect the choice you make.
As I have always, ALWAYS, respected every choice every person around me has made. Trust me, it’s hard, being the control freak that I am, but I have. You may have different ideas, but that’s your opinion.
I’m no longer in the market to allow folks to “edit” me. If you want to express your opinion, write your own blog. Write in a journal, send a carrier pigeon, smoke signal, whatever This is mine. It’s not meant to hurt anyone, it’s not meant to pat my own back, to feed my narcissism, or whatever; it’s here, for me to share with others who may find comfort in it. It’s here to get it out of my head so I don’t go crazy.
I am bone weary with folks telling me what they think of me, of what I do, where I go, what I wear, what I eat. The shows I watch to the music I listen to. I am worn thin.
Because folks, whatever your opinion of me is, I can guarantee you, it’s not going to change me. 47 years old. I’m pretty set in my ways now. I can’t be controlled and am no longer interested in controlling anything other than the thermostat in the house.
I was taught at a young age that trust, love and respect need to be given unconditionally…at first. Then if they are abused, they have to be earned.
Except love. I was taught you love unconditionally, all the time. And I do. I always will…
The trust and respect, well, there’s a lot of folks that had that unconditionally with me…now they have to earn it. Because I will always, always love them, but the past has taught me that there are fewer people that I should trust. I always knew in the back of my mind, to not be so trusting, but I pushed it away. Now I know better. The respect thing…oh yeah, someone’s gonna have to work for that.
I’m angry. A lot of the time. I am sad. A lot of the time. I’m surly and cynical, I see the worst in everything. It’s debilitating. You wouldn’t know it, I don’t show it to more than one, maybe two people. I stay busy, because the busier I am, the less time I can sit and turn myself inside out. I’m not up for therapy, in any sense of the word…I’m too exhausted to even explain why I’m insane. I don’t have it in me to open up to anyone, not right now…maybe never.
I have learned this year, most folks don’t really care to hear my issues, problems or bullshit. They have their own to deal with. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I sit here, realizing that I haven’t really been there for anyone else in 2017. Like, seriously, I’m a complete shithead.
God. I am weary.
I want, for once, to not have to fight everyone. I want, for once, to not be ignored. To not have someone else’s feelings, thoughts or last word be more important than my own. I want, for once, that folks just shut up and listen.
At what point does my past, my mistakes, my missteps stop getting held against me?
Let me know, I may miss that point.