I keep trying to get back into this blogging thing. Lord knows, there’s a bunch of mess rolling around in my head most days. I try NOT to indulge the self-serving ways that many think a blog is, but this helps me, get my thoughts to stop banging around in my noggin and I have, at times, put down a word or two that helped someone else. So if in my own, self-serving way, my words have made an impact that helped you, I am glad. If I hurt you, pissed you off, made you laugh, think, cry or roll your eyes, then I hope you forgive or enjoy. My whole goal in life is to leave this world with my mark on it.
I’ve become indifferent in many ways to this world that we have created for our next generation. I guess it’s a “they don’t care, why should I?” mentality. Only, I hate this indifference, this apathy. I have it about certain things in my life and it makes me angry, it makes me sad, it scares me.
I’m not sure what it will take in my lifetime to get me to stop caring about what others think, others do, others say. I honestly don’t know. I’m so indoctrinated into taking care of everyone before me that it’s hard, it’s fucking hard to stop.
It was thrust upon me almost two years ago, to stop taking care of my family, because of the dynamics of my family and the way it has splintered. I’m no longer the person in control of anything other than myself any longer and I find that I flounder. I’m not the person everyone comes to for help and advice, so I don’t know what to say to people when I can’t be bossy. No one seems to want to hear from me, so I don’t bother any one. All of this sounds very “boo hoo, poor me” but it’s not. Quite the opposite. Because I haven’t had anyone else to pick up after, steer the course for, advise or boss around, I have used this time to direct it all inward. hooooo, boy. This has been FUN!
I have become indifferent to the bullshit of others. Which is peaceful and terrifying.
Peaceful, because it’s brought serenity and focus to my own mind. All the different paths I could have taken, the words I could have said…I have played them out in my mind THOUSANDS of times and always come to the same conclusion. Always. There’s no change to what the end game is, and that I could not/can not change the result, brings peace to me, because I have done what is best for me. Each time.
This indifference terrifies me as well. Because I am so indifferent to the BS of others, I am terrified of what will happen should it come my way again. Do I fall into old patterns, revert to that door mat of a person? Do I avoid the people who put drama and bullshit in my life to begin with so I miss out on life and the adventure it brings me?
The anxiety I have everyday about reconciling with people who I have hurt or have hurt me is immobilizing. How do I show love when I still feel hurt and anger? How do I get to tenderness while guarding myself?
I haven’t always made the best decisions. I have tried to convince MANY that we had to do things my way to be happy. That to be happy, we had to all be one big happy, all at once, like on our favorite TV show. I forgot to let things grow organically. I thought I could bull doze my way through my personal life, like I do my work life and it would all be okay by the end of the month, or the end of an episode.
I forgot that life isn’t like that and because I forgot, I have forever changed me and my relationships. It’s life, I own that I am a mess, but I am a mess, because of every choice I made. Good or bad, it’s me, it’s my mess and I have to love it.
I have reached a point that it’s no longer up to me to make amends to most. I have done my best, I have apologized and asked for forgiveness. In asking others for forgiveness, I forgot to get forgiveness from the most important person…me. I let others chew on me, say horrible things to me, wish me dead or maimed or God knows what else, because I forgot to forgive myself and give myself some tenderness. And when I did forgive me, when I did show me some tenderness, I got centered and I got peace.
And I got angry. Who are any of these people, far and wide, to make me feel like shit? Where do they get off thinking they can be cruel and unkind and get same old Stephanie sitting there, waiting for a kindness crumb like some kind of junkie? Why are they allow to thump their chests and tell me how I have wronged them and yet, when I start to speak up, they tell me I am wrong, or mean, or stop communicating? see? it’s better when I’m indifferent. Because this will go on and on…
I accepts I can’t change anyone’s mind. I am who I am. I’m not that bad, actually…I’m kinda funny. Quirky. Definitely structured. I love big. I trust few. I will always have a kind word or a hug for anyone. I try to remember to always be tender. With my actions and my words. Sometimes I fail, but I have hope that tomorrow is different…
That’s not bad, or indifferent, right?