Turn the Page, Own Your Stuff.

I’ve been wrapping my brain around how I can snap out of my funk. To get around my mental block and just deal with my own stuff. I have been told, and have thought, “hmmmm, I need a therapist.” but see, conventional therapy doesn’t seem to grab me. I literally don’t have the energy to sit and talk to anyone about what’s going on with me, without giving them 18 months of backstory. Well, maybe it’s gonna be 30 years of backstory. Because I am a mess. I claim it’s part of my charm. I don’t think anyone else agrees with me about that.

So, let’s get into it…shall we?

I am not in contact with 80% of my family.

There. I said it.

Whew.

It’s been a solid six months of mostly radio silent, preceded by 12 months of bullshit from all sides. Understand, I am fully involved in the current situation. I am not at all blameless. BUT I am not willing to be the only contributing member of my family.

To know me, is to know first and foremost, my family means everything to me. If any ONE of them called, right now, and said they needed me, I would be there. and 100% of my family knows this. So for me to acknowledge that I am not speaking to or communicating in any way with any of my family pains me in such a way, that there are times, I find it hard to breathe.

I have spent my entire, I mean, ENTIRE adult life catering to everyone. Everyone that is, but myself. I have put family, friends, significant others, jobs, everything…in front of myself. It’s how I function. And I have never thought twice about it.

However, my wife, when she walked in…did think twice about it. She wanted to know how to help me, how to make it better, what she could do to help me to put me at the very least, in front of a few others. ME. She wanted me to think about me.

And so I did…I literally told her “you handle the kids, I’m exhausted.” Well, that didn’t last. Simply because, I realized…nope. I can’t do that to her or to them. I shouldn’t expect them to adjust to each other, new relationships and now new rules. I can’t expect to just “quit” being a parent because mommy got a new girlfriend. So, we backtracked, we adjusted. Bottom line, I learned that yes, I need to think about me, but I always, ALWAYS need to keep others in my vision. She would be there to support me and have my back, to always remind me, I need to pay attention to me too.

I am way more laid back than the wife. And unfortunately, folks in my life took absolute advantage of this. And the wife, she saw my frustration and tried to help me. This has over the years blown up colossally in her face. I have been her biggest defender against many over the years, and will continue to do so until I draw my last breath. She is my protector and my safe place. She is also the one who asks, “why won’t anyone take you seriously? why won’t anyone help you? why won’t you hold ANYONE but yourself accountable for ANYTHING?”

Doesn’t take away from the fact I would give anything to my family – my kids, my mom, my sister or niece…it just means there’s one more person I would give my life for. My wife. And here’s the “extra” to this.

She would give her life for any of my family.

So with this newfound inner strength, this newfound “I need to take care of me,” I have learned a few lessons.

LESSON ONE
Not everyone is going to like change. No. Not most. Change is inevitable. Everything changes, all the time. As I have gotten older, I have had to change. I have lost a job, friends, a parent. It has all shaped me. It’s made me stronger. And it’s made me different. As you mourn the loss of something or someone…you don’t get over it. No, you get around it. It’s something that will change you forever, the way you move through it is how you get adjusted, how you get around it. And that will be the change.

I thrive in change. New jobs, new homes, new situations. I dig in, figure out how to make it work and just do it. It’s inevitable, might as well get used to it, make it work in my favor. Others completely freak out and shut down. Or lash out. I’ve done it all. Time to throw back my shoulders and meet it head on.

LESSON TWO
Change scares people. We have long heard the adage “change scares people.” It does. And that’s okay. I lived in misery for 3 years, because I was afraid of change. And when I finally took my proverbial head-out-of-the-sand, I figured out I could make a change that would impact me and my whole family. But I had to. I couldn’t do what I had been doing for years, I had to make a change, no matter how scary it was. Let me tell you, I was terrified of doing this and doing it alone. But I was more terrified of who I was becoming and what it meant if I didn’t make a change.

As much as it hurt so many I knew not making a change would have done so much more damage that I was willing to be responsible for.

LESSON THREE
Not everyone changes at the same pace. I am the least patient person I know. I’m a “rip the bandaid off” kind of person. I just want it done and I want it over with. If it’s going to hurt, I need to know the level of pain, so I can get it in my head and I can manage it.

Others, they want to tip-toe into the change. A little bit at a time. I don’t get that, but I have to learn how to respect it. It’s not easy. And I am still a work in progress.

I am a terrible trainer. It’s true. I expect everyone to walk in to work, knowing what to do and how to do it with very little from me. It’s why I don’t train people. I don’t have the patience to show you 15 times how to do the same thing. I’m constantly amazed I taught two little people how to tie their shoes, use a spoon or to go potty.

That’s just it. I go fast. In every aspect of my life. I zoom around. Unless SVU is on and then everything slows down. As I get older, the days go faster. I want to cram as much into my life, my days as I can. I feel like 2017 was a whirlwind, I barely remember 2016 and have no recollection of anything prior to 2014. It’s that fast. So for me, if there has to be change, it needs to happen NOW, or the moment is gone.

I have to be aware and respectful of others and their need to be a bit more cautious.

I’m still working on this one.

LESSON FOUR
Not everyone agrees. With me. I am a control freak of the highest order. I have long admitted that. This has been the hardest part of learning in the last few years. That just because I want something one way, doesn’t mean I am going to get my way.

As my kids have gotten older, they have gotten their own views on everything…the world, politics, me…and very little of what I had to say or have to say changes anything in minds. And I have had to learn it’s okay to allow them to have their own opinions, their own thoughts. And just because they aren’t the same as mine, doesn’t make them wrong. It makes them different.

As I have gotten older, my opinions, my own thoughts have began to sound like that of an older person. Like my dad, or my mom…even my grandparents. I think about things like retirement and healthcare. I think about the loss of modesty and common sense. Then I realize, I am my grandpa. God.help.me. But I think more like my parents, that I want to continue to protect my kids like they are three, but I have to let them go.

I have to realize that, like my parents, I have to have patience, that I have to have faith the lessons they learned, directly or indirectly, were retained and they will be okay.

My poor mother. She sits, watching with those old “knowing” eyes. I should probably apologize more for the stunts of my younger years…but no…I think she knows…just as she probably thought the same about her mom when that moment of clarity hit her.

LESSON FIVE
I don’t have to apologize. I have spent my life apologizing to anyone who didn’t have something “go their way” for whatever part I may have played in it. If I had a penny for every time I have uttered the words, “I’m sorry” to someone, I’d be a billionaire. but get this…

I’m not sorry. Not anymore. I didn’t do it.

I’ll apologize for my mistakes, for my bad judgment or being chronically late…I will no longer apologize for any of the following:

that donut you ate this morning, your lack of job, your lack of a date, your waist size, your in-laws, your credit score, the time you went to bed, the fact you can’t cook, whiten your teeth, do your own taxes, laundry, dishes, that you can’t potty train your dog, cat, squirrel or hamster, the fact you forgot to mail anything, pay your bills, take the trash to the curb or brush your hair.

this is all on you. I’m not responsible for ANY of that or more. In fact…if you aren’t under the age of 18, living in my house with a genetic link to me, I am literally NOT responsible for anything you have done, will do or are poorly planning to do.

I will be your biggest cheerleader if you let me. I can laugh with you, cry with you, mock you until laugh. I can TP a house or bring you cookies. Or beer. Point is, I will be there to support you, but you aren’t going to hold me hostage for your decisions.

LESSON SIX
Yesterday is over. Tomorrow isn’t here. In following with no longer apologizing for EVERYTHING, I am no longer in the business of looking in my rearview mirror. I am learning to look forward, head up, tits out. That the only way to NOT miss the life I’m trying to live is to stop looking back at things I can’t change. I can’t change the fact I am divorced, or I didn’t come out earlier, or that I never skipped a burrito during pregnancy. I can’t change the fact that I made stupid decisions, but I don’t have to allow anyone else to make me feel like less for my decisions. I also can’t change a single solitary thing that I did. I can only take the mistakes, learn from them and change my future decisions.

You will miss your entire blessed life and all the beauty in it if you spend your whole time looking back and wishing it were different.

Pointing out to me all the mistakes I have made only holds US back. You don’t have to tell me. I already know. And I know the mistakes I made that only I know. that are in my darkest moments. There is no need to tell me again and again how I have hurt you, because the memory of it crushes me.

Acknowledge the past, it made you who you are now. Learn from the mistakes you and others made and face into the sunshine, it’s how you will grow.

LESSON SEVEN
Opinions are like assholes. My dad’s motto, “opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one and they usually stink.” This is the truest thing ever…I have an opinion, you may not agree with it. We can either remain friends and agree to disagree, or we can part ways. That’s the only way to get around this. If you think just like me, this is going to be a boring relationship…and I like to be challenged. Some of my favorite times are sitting on the patio with my wife and my daughter, listening to my daughter tell me her outlook on anything…and proving to me how much she knows about the world in general. To hear her views on politics, people, celebrity, how to heal the world, making her mark, whatever…listening to her and the wife go back and forth always, ALWAYS taught me something about me, her and the world. I have always said I am a better person because of my daughter. And that is a true statement.

You can’t force anyone to change their opinion. Like mine…Trump is woefully in over his head. I think net neutrality and universal healthcare are good things. I believe in global warming. I believe in Christmas and the better good. I think if I extend kindness it will be like a ripple in water. I believe the Earth is round and that there is a heaven. I believe in equal rights and equal pay for an equal job. I think sports stars are overpaid and teachers and first responders are underpaid. I think we should end the war and take care of our vets. I don’t believe in handouts and think that welfare should be provided on a temporary basis. I believe in term limits and the people learning their voice. Nothing you will say will change any of this. We can be friends, or if you wish, you can go on your own way and I will go my own.

You can’t make me wrong for a difference of opinion.

LESSON EIGHT
Love is love. Is love. I love a girl. Get over it. It doesn’t involve you or harm you. Her love makes me safe, makes me feel beautiful. Her love takes nothing away from the love I have for my family or my friends. It enhances everything around me because I have someone beside me that supports me, no matter what stupid thing I do or say. And at the end of the day, this person, will be there, holding my hand when I’m sick, when I need to cry, she will make me feel better when I’m angry or scared. She will do or say silly things to make me smile. It takes nothing away from my ability to be a friend, mother, daughter, sister, or aunt.

I will NEVER begrudge anyone finding love. I don’t care who you love, as long as you love. As long it isn’t my wife, then we are golden. Find your own person that completes you.

At the end of the day, I will always respect the fact that that person loves you, that they are your person. You need to respect the fact that I have my person, no matter who or what they are.

LESSON NINE
End of day, I am me. For the past several years, I have heard “you’ve changed.” as either an insult or a compliment. Here’s the rub, I have changed. I will agree 100%. Some for the better, some for the worst. But I need each of you to understand, that the changes in me are reflective of the people and the world around me. If I am more bitter, or more gentle, it’s based on the actions and inactions of others towards me.
I have to protect me, my mind, my heart because I can do this better than anyone else can. In the last few years, I have taken an absolute beating from those that I have held closest to me. I have allowed people who are close to me say the worst things to me. The absolute worst. And I have excused it because of love, because of respect, because my chosen friends and family are my life. And then they want to make me wrong. It’s hardened me, it’s made me quiet, sad, more introverted and lonely. I question my own motives, decisions, habits and many times, my own sanity.

Then every day, something reminds me…I am me. Scars and all…I am me. I am loving, trusting, joyous. I am a sinner, I am forgiven. I am loved and sometimes, hated. I have the ability to walk, to think, to breathe and I have free will.

I choose to use that free will, in faith. Faith that I can make a different choice with each moment. That I can love and forgive others when they hurt me. That I can put down my pride and ask for forgiveness.

LESSON TEN
Don’t mistake my grace as weakness. Never think that I am weak. Or that I am easily led. That’s your lesson to learn. I have chosen my battles very carefully for years. I am no longer in the fight and am not going to engage in battles that will leave wounds that won’t heal. I’m becoming more observant, learning to listen…watching. I will always know more than you think, I will always speak my mind. The moment you underestimate me, that’s your learning point. From then on, all the lessons I would have given to you freely, you will learn the hard way…because abusing my grace, my trust, or my respect will only lead you to lose it, then you have to earn it back…

I will always, and only be, authentically me.

Factual bad day.

A couple of facts:
2017 has been a way harsh shit show.
I am exhausted.

To be clear, I will take some, but not all, of the blame for the current state of affairs in my world. I own my part. But I am no longer in the market to own anyone else’s part in the bullshit that has dominated my life for the year 2017 and sadly, looks to be the way of the future.

Further, I have apologized for the last fucking time for anything that happened prior to this moment, or this one, or this one…you get my drift. Nope, not again. The “I’m sorry” store has closed.

I cannot change the past, nor am I in the mood to continue discussing it. I get it, I was a terrible person, I have done shitty things to people that I love. I get it. I have apologized and I have tried to move past it. I can’t continue to relive every single word, I can’t continue to have them bang around in my head and tear me apart, on a daily basis.

The only way a person can heal is to acknowledge the mess, learn from it and move forward. If you choose not to do so for yourself, I can’t do it for you. I have forgiven and asked for forgiveness. If you choose NOT to forgive me and stay away, that’s your choice. Not mine. But I will continue to respect the choice you make.

As I have always, ALWAYS, respected every choice every person around me has made. Trust me, it’s hard, being the control freak that I am, but I have. You may have different ideas, but that’s your opinion.

I’m no longer in the market to allow folks to “edit” me. If you want to express your opinion, write your own blog. Write in a journal, send a carrier pigeon, smoke signal, whatever This is mine. It’s not meant to hurt anyone, it’s not meant to pat my own back, to feed my narcissism, or whatever; it’s here, for me to share with others who may find comfort in it. It’s here to get it out of my head so I don’t go crazy.

I am bone weary with folks telling me what they think of me, of what I do, where I go, what I wear, what I eat. The shows I watch to the music I listen to. I am worn thin.

Because folks, whatever your opinion of me is, I can guarantee you, it’s not going to change me. 47 years old. I’m pretty set in my ways now. I can’t be controlled and am no longer interested in controlling anything other than the thermostat in the house.

I was taught at a young age that trust, love and respect need to be given unconditionally…at first. Then if they are abused, they have to be earned.

Except love. I was taught you love unconditionally, all the time. And I do. I always will…

The trust and respect, well, there’s a lot of folks that had that unconditionally with me…now they have to earn it. Because I will always, always love them, but the past has taught me that there are fewer people that I should trust. I always knew in the back of my mind, to not be so trusting, but I pushed it away. Now I know better. The respect thing…oh yeah, someone’s gonna have to work for that.

I’m angry. A lot of the time. I am sad. A lot of the time. I’m surly and cynical, I see the worst in everything. It’s debilitating. You wouldn’t know it, I don’t show it to more than one, maybe two people. I stay busy, because the busier I am, the less time I can sit and turn myself inside out. I’m not up for therapy, in any sense of the word…I’m too exhausted to even explain why I’m insane. I don’t have it in me to open up to anyone, not right now…maybe never.

I have learned this year, most folks don’t really care to hear my issues, problems or bullshit. They have their own to deal with. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I sit here, realizing that I haven’t really been there for anyone else in 2017. Like, seriously, I’m a complete shithead.

God. I am weary.

I want, for once, to not have to fight everyone. I want, for once, to not be ignored. To not have someone else’s feelings, thoughts or last word be more important than my own. I want, for once, that folks just shut up and listen.

At what point does my past, my mistakes, my missteps stop getting held against me?

Let me know, I may miss that point.

These Dreams. 

I don’t know how to interpret dreams, I suppose it’s for the best most times…then there are these…
We are moving my sister (again. lol), I don’t know where from or where to…I just know she’s moving.   Kris and I decide while we wait for my ever-late sister, we are going to go get donuts. 

On the way back, baby sister calls and says she’s on her way.  We get back to wherever we are supppsed to be and see my sister carrying the front end of a dresser. Kris pulls forward to park and as I glance out the window I see…him.

My dad.  Carrying the other end of the dresser.

My.dad.

“Kris! Kris!!!! Stop, stop!!!”

I get out of our vehicle after fighting with my seatbelt, I run to him. My dad.  

My.dad.

I grab him around the neck, I’m hugging, I’m crying.  I’m never wanting to let go.  

“Dad! I’m sorry, it’s been so long!  I miss you, I love you!”

He hugs back, I can smell his cologne.  I can feel his big warm hug.

“Hello baby, it’s okay.  I love you.  I miss you.  It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.  I love you.”

And just like that, I wake up. 

I alternately love and hate my dreams. 

Don’t let your babies grow up to be adults…

You know, parenting sucks.  Period.

There, I said it.  You don’t have to.

They don’t come with a guidebook.  There isn’t a contract you sign, you just hang on by your fingernails and hope.  There may be praying involved.  Lots of praying.

You grow this person.  You spend 9 months dreaming of your baby girl, or your baby boy.  You spend 9 months pinning hope and dreams on them,  what they will grow up to be, how they will be…who they will be.  You pin all YOUR hopes and dreams on making their lives better than your own.  That you will do anything and everything to ensure they have the world.

9 months.  9 months of your body changing, your insides moving around to accommodate this little being that you are growing with all these hopes and dreams.  Never once do you think that you started changing and accommodating to grow them, you will spend your lifetime changing and accommodating for them.

It’s true.  You will.

I have spent the better part of my life putting my children first in my life.  Before myself.  Most mommies will tell you they do the same thing, we all do.  We all say “I’m going to put me first!” and it may last for an afternoon…but let’s be real, we are terrible at the follow through.

We bathe, nurse, change diapers, feed, teach them to read, tie their shoes, recite their ABC’s and ride a bike.  We are there with a band aid and a hug for when they get hurt.  A cracker when they are hungry and a story with voices when they are sleepy.  We are superheroes and we shrug it off like it’s nothing.

Ladies, it is EVERYTHING.

We spend our whole lives as mommies in control of everything.  From naptime to bath time, we control their world.  We decide what they eat, what they wear, what they watch and who their friends are.  We are Zeus.  And while they are young, that’s okay.

As they get older, they want freedom.  Freedom to make their own decisions, own experiences and their own friends.  We allow this, in small doses.  Just enough so they feel freedom, but not enough that they go off the rails.

Then they become teenagers…God.help.us.  It is a battle to the death.  Over clothes, curfews, makeup, boys, girls, grades and respect.  It is a battle royale that you think you won’t make it through, but I promise you…it gets worse.

See, they graduate, they become “adults.”  Only, they haven’t listened to anything you have told them as teenagers and now blame you for not teaching them how to be an adult.  They hurl words at you that would peel your skin off, they make sure you know exactly how inept and stupid you are.  How you have not prepared them for the real world.

Now, don’t get me wrong…these are still your babies.  You still would lay down your life for them.  Now it’s time to change the rules.

You are no longer the mommy to children.  You are the mother to adult children.  This is different.  No longer are you required to dress them, bathe them, negotiate curfews and grades.

Now you have to treat them as adults.  Just as the world does and how they are perceived.  You won’t do them any favors by treating them like children when everyone else treats them like adults.  In fact, you are hurting them.  (Not that I speak from experience)  You are not making them capable of creating and maintaining adult relationships.  You aren’t teaching them action and consequence.

You have to make sure they understand actions, consequence and personal accountability and responsibility.  Teach them compassion.

If you think raising your child to be outspoken and bold will work out.  Ask their first co-worker or bosses.  While these are good traits to have, they need to be tempered with respect and compromise.  Because the real world isn’t about who is the biggest bad-ass.  It’s about who has the work ethic and who gets the job done.  Yelling at the boss about what you think is right or wrong isn’t going to get you promoted.  It’s going to get you fired.

They will always be your babies, I get that.  They will always need their mommy.  But as adults, they need mommy to be truthful and honest and level them with the truth when they get too out of hand.  When they need a reality check, to know they aren’t always right, they aren’t always wrong, but that they need to be still and listen to the other things.  Mommy needs to be a steady rock.

Remember YOUR hopes and dreams you pinned on them…they may not be THEIR hopes and dreams.  And that’s okay…you did NOTHING wrong.  You gave them opportunity and hope.  You gave them imagination and dreams.  Now you have to let them find their way.

As your children grow up, you grow up.  You learn things about yourself that you pushed aside and forgot about, long ago.

Children need to be taught that everyone has something to learn, all the time, at every age.  I am 47 and I have yet to stop learning.  Currently, I am learning that I don’t deserve to allow anyone to run all over me in the name of family and love.  I don’t have to allow anyone to question my love or my integrity.  No.one.

I am learning that no one is entitled to anything.  Everything I have, I have worked my ass of to get.  My whole life.  No one has handed me a single solitary thing.  At 47, I deserve what I have, I will share with those that deserve it and everyone else will have to take care of themselves. I am learning my self-respect isn’t tied to what others think of me, but what I know in my heart.

I am learning that I need to have patience and to bite my tongue.  Because as your babies become adults, they have to learn so much…they aren’t the center of the universe.  Nothing is handed to them.  They will have to work, and work hard.  They will need to learn patience, respect and compromise. There is much this world has to teach them…

…but without mommies, they wouldn’t even know how to tie their shoes.

Birthday Wish

It’s my birthday.  47. When I was a child, this age was ancient.  I mean cryptkeeper old.  

Now, I’m the best me I’ve ever been.   

I have had some of the worst experiences of my life in 2017 to be tempered by some of the best.  I have been in the darkest place of my life and am slowly, SLOWLY coming out of it.  It’s been months of soul searching and hard truths.  It’s been months of realizing I’m not all the horrible things I have been told that I am and realizing that my life has value.  That through the tears and anger, I also have laughter and love.  Lots of love.  

Yes, I’m 47.  I am an adult child of a mother that doesn’t give up.  She has taught me we all make mistakes and we have to stand against the roar of negativity and find joy. 

Yes, I’m 47.  I am the adult big sister to a baby sister that has fallen down more than most and has shown me that she will persevere, she will get up, be humble and learn the lesson in her own time.  

Yes, I’m 47. I am the mother to two adult children.  Two children that I love with every fiber of my being.  Two people that I grew, delivered, nursed and nurtured.  I taught them to read, their phone number and how to tie their shoes. (The most painful lesson ever!). They look like me, have my stubborn streak and sharp tongue and wit.  I hope, with my last breath, they remember I taught them unconditional love and forgiveness.  

Yes, I’m 47.  I am the wife of the most incredible woman to walk this rock.   She has taken care of me and my family without a second thought and very few thank yous.  This woman, makes my days better and makes me safer than I can put into words.  To say it is an honor to be loved by her is an understatement.  To share my life, my days and nights with her is a gift. She will be next to me when I take my last breath and that gives me comfort. 

In forty six years, I have loved and lost.  I have made mistakes and reached for the stars.  I have laughed and I have cried.  I have sinned and I have been forgiven.  

I have lost amazing people that I carry in my heart everyday.  That have given me a taste of morality.  I have to embrace every day.  To honor them.  To honor me.  

I have reconnected with people I thought were lost to me.  And that is a gift greater than words express.  

I have embraced people in my world that have become part of my chosen family and they are irreplaceable in my heart and part of my soul. 

Yes, I’m 47.  My birthday wish to love, to laugh, to remember my history, to honor myself and to live everyday to the best that I can.  

I’m going to spend my days and years, finding a blessing in each day.  

My birthday wish…to find joy.  

At the end of the world.

I shall post this and step away from my social media for a few days. To say I am sad is an understatement. I feel a tremendous amount of loss today. I have for months and now, it’s present in such a way…it’s hard to explain. 
I mourn the loss of hope, of belief in the greater good and that we are truly our brothers keeper. I no longer believe our government is the voice of the people, they no longer have me or my best interests at heart. I am not alone. 

I do not think that the incoming “regime” actually has the interest of anyone other than themselves or their like minded people at heart.  This causes distress simply because the people who VOTED for this shithead are not the people he has in his sights.  His choices for his cabinet prove that over and over.  And I shake my head in bewilderment that the hard working people STILL defend him.  

I seriously need to shake them, to scream in their faces because they still.don’t.get.it. 

I don’t know if Hilary would have been a better choice and I’m not here to defend her. I’m not here to discuss war, religion, or hell, even politics.  I’m not here to discuss Benghazi,  the Clinton Foundation, his affairs, or her handling of the women.  I’m not going to discuss the Trump University, the multiple bankruptcies, his affair or multiple marriages. 

What I mourn is the loss of what seems to be the last of the innocence.  We had hope, we had power, there was strength and there was faith in better days.  That’s gone from what appears to be most people. 

There’s a sad arrogant pride in the folks that voted for him. This blind stupid pride that doesn’t make sense to me.  These people, people I call friends, voted for a man that denegrates women and the disabled.  He feuds with Alec Baldwin on Twitter and shows bad sportsmanship every chance he gets.  The only thing worse than a sore loser is a sore winner.   And these friends of mine defend this over and over.  

No, I don’t think if the shoe was on the other foot, that Democrats would be acting in such a classless and vulgar manner.  At least the ones I know wouldn’t.  I know this because she Obama beat McCain, I did not see the vitriolic hate that I bear witness to now. My heart hurts and my head can’t make sense. 

There isn’t a debate here.  She won the popular vote.   Which means he isn’t the President Elect of MOST people.  I don’t understand how we got this so wrong.  

For my friends, my family…know you are in my heart.   My hurt, scared, a little less hopeful heart.  Be gentle with me for the next four years.  

It’s all the rage.

I’m having a hard time expressing myself lately.  Actually, I’ve had a hard time expressing myself for the better part of 2016 and it seems to be rolling into 2017.

I could blame Trump and the rabid close-minded shrewish Republicans, but I don’t think it’s all them.  I mean, it’s mostly a general sadness that has enveloped me since November and I am to this moment, STILL trying to wrap my head around anyone actually justifying how he is the right choice.  I am trying to STILL wrap my head around the fact that I have family that voted for him.  VOTED.FOR.HIM.  my family/in-laws/cousins/folks close to me.  yup.  I’m gay, married and they voted for someone so vile and hateful.   I’m obviously not over it, I’m obviously hurt and stunned.  AND that sonofabitch got a mention in a holiday prayer I was involved in.  Good.times.

Nope, it’s not all Trump.  And it’s not all sadness.  There is a distinct air of rage that is right under my edges.  I feel it, like an extra 10 pounds on my frame.  It just sits there.  It’s been there so long, I feel lost if it goes away for a moment.  Isn’t that strange?  I feel lonely without my rage?

I have, for so long, allowed everyone and everything to overtake me.  To come first.  It’s been my life for as long as I have known it.  When my dad made me promise to look after my family before he died, I promised and I meant it.  Right now, I could punch him in the nose.

How dare he strap me down to people!!!  Does he think that I would be strong enough to do this and not have it exhaust me?  Did he not think me taking care of people would extend past my natural family and include my friends and sometimes complete strangers?  He knew how literal I would take this and I have.  To the point that I am pissed at everyone all the time.

All because I rescue.  Because I try to be the bigger person and look past the bullshit.  Because I have kept my opinions to myself for so long, they no longer matter or are relevant.

I had a friend tell me I needed to desperately get some therapy for myself.  I agreed, the wife agreed…then people happened.  I had things and folks pop up in front of me that needed my attention more than I needed it for myself.  At least that’s what I am telling me.

I think my rage is this…I have allowed others to make their issues and problems more important than my own happiness.  I have allowed every other person around me to demand my attention and use it all up so I have nothing left for me.

I rage because I am held responsible for other folks, for decision made that don’t include me.  I’m responsible for the happiness of friends and family and I can’t tell you one person that actually gives a complete shit about my happiness.  INCLUDING me.  what the f*ck is that??!!?

I rage because for years, I have heard “you’ve changed.”  Yes.  I.  Have.  you say it like it’s a bad thing…but what anyone who says that fails to realize is because YOU have abused my good nature, my trust, my friendship, my loyalty…YOU CHANGED ME.  and then you blame me for not being the same person before you sucked the life out of me.  SO congratulations…I am who I am because of YOU.

I’m thisclose to a nervous breakdown and that pisses me off.

I firmly point that pissed off finger at myself.  I’ve done this.  Now I have to figure out how to get out of it.  I know, as this process starts, I’m gonna hurt a lot of folks because they aren’t used to be not being this way…this “fix it” person.  Folks, you are on your own.

I talk a good game, about being different.  I don’t know HOW to be different and I have to figure out how to be.  That’s where I guess the therapy is gonna come in.  I’m going to have to pay someone to teach me how to put me first. 

That is the stupidest sentence I have ever heard/read/written.

So, Future Stephanie
*will no longer be dealing with your shit.  You screwed it up, YOU fix it.  She’s out of the repair business.
*will no longer care about people who have shown her over and over they do not care about her.
*will no longer put anyone else’s needs before her own.
*will eat ice cream for dinner.  and go to bed at 7:00 PM if she wants.
*will wear white after Labor day.
*will spend a ridiculous amount of money on foundation and not be sorry.
*will order dessert or shoes with no guilt that she is  not taking care of something/someone.
*will no longer apologize for who she loves or how she loves
*will no longer make excuses for who she is friends with nor will she hide that fact.
*will no longer, never ever, walk on eggshells to spare feelings when hers are never spared.
*will apparently speak of herself in third person…which is funny…she thinks.

Seems like 2017 is gonna be the year of the Golden Rule.

This could be fun.  This could be a bunch of hot air.  I hope not.  I could stand to lose 10 pounds.