Obsevations from the Cheap Seats

So I went to my first ever country music festival this weekend.  I knew one artist.  In fact, I had several of his songs on my iPod.  He didn’t sing any of the songs I knew.

Another artist sang a song I knew, but it was a cover of a pop song.

I truly went to spend time with friends…and people watch.  God help me, the people watching.  Wife told me I had resting bitch face for 6 hours and did it hurt?   I had to explain I had a great time, I was simply in a trance.  She’s afraid my face is going to freeze like that.  I assured her, I am almost 46, if it hasn’t yet, it’s not going to.  Then she pointed out a wrinkle across my nose and now, I deserve a present.  It just better not be Botox.

Anyhoo…let me present my thoughts, not necessarily in order…

  • Why does anyone make the fat girl carry all the food from the concession stand?
  • There sure are a lot of high heels here…at an all day musical festival.  Someone is gonna end up with “grocery store feet.”
  • There are A LOT of tight shorts here.  Like, A LOT.  These women look like sausages.
  • Why is everyone wearing cut off jeans and why are they cut SO SHORT?!?!?  it’s awkward.  Crap, eye contact. 
  • Oh, the leggings…so tight, I can see through them, tucked into the boots…oh, and she isn’t wearing underwear. Crap, we just made eye contact.
  • How many of you twits decided to forgo the bra?  Is that a country music thing?  No bras?  There’s so much side boob.
  • Speaking of boob…those are HUGE!!!!  seriously…my back hurts for you…they look like they need stilts like the houses on the beach. Whups…she bumped into me with those things…well, me and three others, I think she knocked a child down.
  • Is she REALLY pole dancing on the row sign?  Because, awesome and bad.
  • Damn…drunk guys can’t hold their beer.  Seriously, I have seen more drunk dudes spill beer than drunk girls.  Guess we ARE the superior gender…INYOFACE!!!!
  • Did they just break up?  I think they did?  She is pisssssed.  Cool. Wife has told me for the 4th time to quit staring.  Doesn’t she know me?
  • There is an astonishing amount of fake tanner.  And bronzer.  Hope no one sweats, this could get ugly.
  • Are those two dancing?  Dry humping?  Both?
  • I didn’t know they made jeans that tight.  For guys…I can coun- nevermind.  Wife needs to quit telling me to stop staring.  I can’t help it. 
  • Oh, that’s nice, they cleared an area OVER THERE for line dancing and two stepping, so please, just stand in front of me and dance…
  • Oh…that’s cute…for the 15th time, they are going to try to two step.  neither of them has rhythm, but never give up…just move OVER THERE.
  • DAMNIT, how do I not have my phone handy for that EPIC 15 second dance routine???  Because it’s soooo common to see a 65-year-old woman with a cane and a sturdy buzz getting jiggy with it in front of me to ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man?!?!  Damnit all!!!
  • I am spending an inordinate amount of time watching those two guys work on those three girls.  It’s sad and they can’t dance. (side note: they never got digits, never got laid, BUT the ladies did get free beer, lots of free beer)
  • There should be a clothing drive at music fests to replace all the ripped jeans.  That can’t STILL be a style, right?  Who said the 80’s is dead…????
  • Should I tell that man that no man should ever wear white jeans, that tight.  With cowboy boots.  and a tank top.  never.  ever.

I am still using my eye drops because I was afraid to blink and my eyes dried out…or just seeing all….that…requires much washing.

when’s the next one?  cause I.can’t.wait.

New.Year.

So it’s a week into a new year.  For some, it’s a whole new start to something fresh, something wonderful, something amazing. 

For others, like me, it’s the start to another great year…wondering if THIS year can top last year.  Life has been many things, trying, sad, scary, melodramatic (hey…I have kids…) and at all times, life has been good to me.

I decided NOT to do my yearly “I’m Thankful For” list this past NYE.  Nor did I post a blog summarizing my life and how I came through it stronger, more faithful, more loved, blah, blah, blah.  If you have read this, you get that.  I live a charmed life.  *knocks wood*

I decided with the New Year, not to make any resolutions.  Not to put undo pressure on myself to live up to any expectation other than the one in my head that I live by everyday. 

Do unto others. 

That’s all.  I resolve to love other people like I love me.  To treat others like I want them to treat me.  Everyday. 

See, I’m not a big dreamer.  I don’t need to be my own boss, or run my own company.  I don’t have to have the whole world adore me.  I have not ever needed to be the center of attention.  I am happy and comfortable in my “ample” skin.  I may not ever be a size 6, or have 20/20 vision.  I won’t have thick long hair or perfect teeth.  I am authentically me.  I think I am gonna stick with that.

Every moment that I live, I am a daughter, a mother, a sister, a partner and a friend.  And that is 100% enough for me. 

I can only look as far as the end of my nose and see love, see support and see peace.  These sweet shining faces in my home.  They are the breath that I depend on. 

I have found the funny again.  There are people who simply don’t know any better.  And they are inspiration divine for me.  I almost drove off the road on Thursday as I was talking to the Girl and lo and behold, I thought I had seen my Unicorn Man. (side:  for those who don’t know…I used to see a man walking to McDonald’s daily with his hair fashioned into a “horn,”  I haven’t seen him for a while and have been distressed about it.)

So, I am driving home from work, through downtown and there he is….walking down the street.  My first thought was “Unicorn Man!  You are alive!”   My next thought being “When did you move from the ‘burbs?”  My Girl, not at all knowing what the hell I was talking about asked me and I had to explain the blog post, the McD’s and the Unicorn Man. 

Then I said, “but his horn is different, it’s not straight up, it’s like, folded back, pointing behind him.”

My Girl just decided….“It must me his cousin.”

See now why I love her…she is PERFECT for me. Yes? 

It’s good to see humor in all things.  To see humor in the lady at the grocery store looking for the label on an orange and not having a good time with it.   Or to see the Wal-Mart greeter watch my every step, as I am watching her…she just knows I am up to no good…

It’s the New Year. 

Bring.it.on.

Writer’s Block.

This sucks.  Writers block. 

I have several posts almost finished.  But I can’t bring them to a cohesive close.  I can’t wrap it all up in a pretty bow and just post it.  Noooooo, I have to sit there, looking that these damn words and question them, edit them, delete them, add new ones and none of it seems to make it work.  For someone who can run on and on and on and dominate ANY and EVERY conversation…I cannot fathom what the hell is going on.

I have really bitchy ones almost done, and I think, do I really want to post that?  Do I want to put that person on blast?  It IS my blog.  My safe place for my words, but what drama is it going to bring to my world that I don’t necessarily need.  Then I think, why edit myself?  Or further, do folks really want to hear about my woes? 

I have some amusing ones, at least amusing to me.  Mostly about dogs and my houseshoes or the humping antics around the casa…but then I question, are others going to find this as amusing as I do? 

Have I just worn out my welcome?

There’s so many ideas in my mind and I can’t form a complete sentence.  I want to see the funny in the world, but for some reason around me, folks are using common sense.  There’s not a lot of stupid to chew on.  What is that? 

I miss my unicorn man.  The one I blogged about here.  I don’t know where he has gone.  It makes me sad, driving to work not seeing him lately.  I did think I saw him a couple of months ago, but it was a woman.  An ugly woman with dishwater hair…but *sigh* not my unicorn.

I miss having the glass “half full of stupid.”  I need someone to do something spectacularly stupid right in front of me.  It needs to stop me in my tracks and make me chuckle.  Tanner….where are you!?!?

What exactly is a chuckle?

I need to know what it is that I seem to be waiting for.  What seems to be holding me back.  I have had my faith tested, my family bonds tested, my trust tested and well…it’s time to quit testing me.

Testing me leads to bitchy me.  And that’s NEVER a good situation.

My life has changed in many ways…it’s moved forward and followed a path that I didn’t expect to travel.  I haven’t looked back and I haven’t questioned it.  I am a firm believer in destiny and that my path is laid out in front of me, to teach me lessons, to show me what I need to know when I need to know it.

I need the path to show me some stupid.  I need my muse.

I need a trip to Wal Mart.

Or a swap meet.

Or the laundromat. That would work too!

Can you give me a jump?

So…ummm…yeah…hello.  Again.

Yes, it’s been a while, so the battery MAY be a bit dead, but once we jump start this thing, I should be able to keep it running.

oh, wait!  I’m talking about my blog…

I guess it’s been a while and while there is so much going on to report back, to mock, to vent or share…there’s almost too much.  I can’t get it grouped together in my head in a way that seems coherent to even me.  Imagine putting that random pile of crap out there…

if it doesn’t make sense to me…how will it ever make sense to anyone else?  More importantly, do you even want to know? 

well, seeing as I can’t actually put it into logical separate blogs, I guess I will dump the highlights on you and you can graze and discuss amongst yourselves…(like I have more than two people reading this anyways…)

The Girl has a Dick for an Ex.
Alas, there isn’t much more I can say for now….(counting down days…) but trust me…she’s a tool…or as known by locals in Boston, she’s a BOX…don’t believe me?  I gots a list of folks alphabetical that can back me up.  Total Dick.  Never learned about Karma…or me writing a blog.  But she will.

We made it back to Dallas. 
It was cold as hell out and the night before we moved, it was snowing…SNOWING???…shit.  I could handle the cold (no I couldn’t) but not snow.   By handling the cold, I mean, I could watch as other folks loaded and unloaded.  I would continue to pack and clean, but I wasn’t going outside unless someone caught onto my nefarious plan.  That Someone seemed to be the Respondent, being as he showed up and decided to “manage” the lesbians moving the furniture and/or fight with the Daughter in front of the lesbians who had never laid eyes on him before….well done.  There wasn’t a SINGLE PERSON THERE that didn’t go….”ahhhh!!! NOW I get it…” upon meeting the Respondent. 

We are still unpacking.  And unpacking.  And unpacking. 

We Got Snow.  And Lost Power.
Seeing as in Dallas (most of Texas) the weather can and will change IN AN HOUR!!! We have been blessed with the wonderment of record snowfall in the area, as well as spring like conditions that prompt the trees to begin blooming.  And this is wreaking havoc on (1) our heating system and (2) our allergies.  Specifically the Sons.  He can’t get over the sniffles of a cold before the sniffles of hayfever is upon him.  Thank God for Benadryl and NyQuil.  Question is, do they have support groups for OTC medications.

So we moved.  And had/have lots of boxes to unpack.  And we have busier than any time in recent memory lately…so the FIRST weekend we have nothing to do except unpack, we lose power.  Not for an hour, not for two or three hours…how ’bout THREE DAYS?!?!?!!?  yes, three long, cold days…I applaud our energy provider about getting it back on, but it might have been with more than one finger if we had gotten power back at the same time as all our neighbors.  Not that I am complaining too much, there are still folks without power and we have more snow coming tomorrow.  Did I mention that YESTERDAY I was wearing shorts?!?!!?  OUTSIDE?!?  grrrr, er, brrrr…..

The rest, well, just seems to be oh-so-bitchy and I simply don’t have the energy or sarcastic “oomph” to think about it, much less blog about it. 

There have been trips to Wal Mart (my mother ship it seems) that have been downright epic, complete with rude parents, rude cashiers and a girlfriend who can talk her way into ANY closed checkout line.  She did it twice.  Impressive I might add…

So, let’s jump the battery here and see if I can do a better job of keeping up with the stupid, mmmmkay?

It all begins and ends with a Wal Mart excursion, doesn’t it?

So I survived the Christmas Holidays.  Barely.  But do I get a badge for at the very least not getting arrested for losing my shit in Wal Mart? 

again?

[editor’s note:  I have not been arrested at a Wal Mart, I have been asked to leave one.  TWICE.  Same store.  But they were very well mannered in their request…]

I have decided that it all begins and ends in my world at a Wal Mart.  Take the holiday for instance, this one, was a blog writing itself.

Let’s see, Christmas Eve, I decide to finish my last minute shopping at, you got it, Wal Mart. On Christmas Eve.  In the afternoon. 

Yes, I am that crazy.  Some people like extreme sports, I go for the full monty…

Folks.are.crazy.  Not like amusing crazy or talking to themselves crazy, but I mean crazy, like “I-will-cut-you-if-you-take-that-last-package-of-tube-socks” crazy.  However, NO ONE was hanging out of their shirts, pants, lack of pants, lack of shirt, crazy hair, unbathed, etc…nothing to post on POWM.  damnit…I think I need to lower my standards and quit shopping in the “upscale” Wal Marts…I need entertainment….

I tried to get in and out quickly.  Yet, I find that I am surround by buggies driven by possessed people.  You know the ones, with the glazed over look in their eyes.  I try to be as polite as possible, moving out of the way, only to get cut off AND the stink eye.

It’s all well and good, I stay off my cell phone, keep both hands on my buggy and signal when making a turn.

then it happens.

some bitch FIRST runs into my heel…then in going around me and giving me the stink eye, RUNS OVER MY DAMN FOOT!!!!  not nice.

so I lose my shit.  In Wal Mart.  Are you suprised?

At that point, I just take the offense and battle it out, I will cut someone off, dole out my own stink eye and beat you to the check out line…sucker!!!!

ahhhhh….done.  Yet, there is the drive home.  In the snow.  Which people in my parts are not used to seeing, much less driving in.  So it’s much like bumper cars out there and lots of honking and stink eye.

Fa-la-la-la-la…..Merry Christmas!!!

So, the actual Christmas Day was pretty uneventful.  We were worried that the three pups were gonna end up in some sort of quivering mass as there were kids and extra adults and lots of presents and noise to be had.  But the pups were troopers…the most well behaved of the lot. 

I did have the pleasure of having the Daughter stay with me for the week.  It was wonderful and sweet, I cannot wait to move back to Dallas so I can see her beautiful face everyday.  (SOMEONE PRINT THIS AND HOLD FOR EMERGENCY SITUATIONS….such as when she leaves clothes, towels, shoes on the floor…I need to be reminded that I SAID IT!!!)

The Daughter did bring with her every article of clothing, every towel, every sheet and sock that she owned to be washed.  My poor washer and dryer may quit on me.  It took three days to get it all done and she still left garments behind. *sigh* how I miss her!!!

So, we had the Mother, the Sister and the Respondent all in the same room and my head didn’t explode.  Which is a sign of progress, yes?  Don’t get me wrong, it was a holiday, so there’s always something right?  but this time, everyone took a blood oath that we would get along for at least one whole day.  Seemed to work….gues my threat of cutting everyone out of my will and leaving them only the Son and Daughter to care for worked, because we made it with no tears, bloodshed or estrangements.

I did however, open my yap and end up sleeping on the floor.  In my own home.  Go figure.  I offered my room to the Sister and the Niece without consulting the other half and well, we ended up “camping”…I have yet to recover,  the Sister, however, now covets my bed. 

Got to see the bestie this weekend, the day after Christmas…Kenner lives too far away for my liking, but close enough for weekend trips.  I love to spend anytime I can with her and this time, she met Kris (Just Kris) for the first time.  I think she likes Kris (Just Kris) better than me. 

After dinner with the bestie, the Respondent decided to call and have us stop by where he works so he can see the Boy.  Since we were so close, we went.  It’s a private club and it’s close by, he’s tending bar for the evening when we get there and there’s about 12 folks in there.  I know one.  Have known her for years and years.  Kris (Just Kris) knows NO ONE. 

Remember that NO.ONE.IN.THE.BAR.

By the time we get ready to leave, Kris (Just Kris) has (1) met everyone and knows anniversaries (2) looked at some guys wedding photos of his daughter (3) put into the FOOTBALL POT and (4) had somone walk up, proclaim “I KNOW you!!!” and hug her. (This same person looked at me 20 seconds later and said “I don’t know you!!!”) 

She’s never stepped foot in this place. 

Now, lest you think I forgot, this story began with a Wal Mart excursion….it should end with one…

Typically, I avoid all after holiday shopping LIKE THE PLAGUE.  But this year, oh no….Kris (Just Kris) decided that we needed new pillows.  So at MIDNIGHT after dinner with Kenner and a robust evening with the Respondent, I get to head BACK TO A DAMN WAL MART to shop for pillows…

oh, it gets better….

the FIRST Wal Mart we go to, doesn’t have KING size pillows and she can’t have smaller ones.  But we do find a few things we need, so we check out with the other 3 dozen people in ONE LINE at midnight…waiting for the inevitable trip to Wal Mart #2…at midnight….but I digress.

We get to Wal Mart #2 in the frigid cold and it’s pretty empty.  We get the king size pillows after a lively discussion over Firm, Quilted, Feather and Down Alternative options.

Each point of discussion ended with a pillow upside someone’s head.  Which was alot of fun, until it landed upside MY head.  Thank you Son…

Then it was game on…

We couldn’t get down an aisle without the Son or Kris (Just Kris) pelting each other with a pillow or whoever else might be standing there (sorry Wal Mart employee trying to stock housewares, didn’t mean to knock the stuff off the shelf, blame the Son, not lack of parenting).

Apparently, my genetic code says something about getting scolded at Wal Mart, that I need to hear it….

Because as we were leaving, the pillows were flying and I hear the greeter say…”Please don’t do that in the store, someone could get hurt. Settle down!”  (I wasn’t even carrying a pillow…the other two yahoos had them and didn’t hear her or get her stink eye.  That was reserved just.for.me.)

Yes, the Wal Mart greeter, in her ear muffs and mittens….at midnight….showed me the door.

damn…

I gots to know…

I crave information.  I am a reader of everything.  Friends will tell you, I am the keeper of all useless knowledge.  If it’s random crap you need an answer to, I perhaps know it.  If I don’t, I will scour the heavens to get you an answer.  Don’t ask me why…I hated learning in school…it was all about the makeup and clothes for me.  I retained absolutely nothing from my years of edu-ma-cation.  At least I didn’t mean to…

So as I have pondered today, on a break, these questions: 

*Why are the People of Wal Mart NEVER in my Wal Mart?  I have visited several in several cities and nope…not a single weirdo.  (editor’s note:  not “weird” as weird goes, but I do believe I saw a tranny or a really ugly chick)

*Why when I saw the tranny/really ugly chick could I not pull it together enough to get cellphone or digital camera out of the flipping purse fast enough to take a picture.

*How did tranny/really ugly chick KNOW I was thinking about doing that and proceeded to give me the stink eye…

*I really wanna know if it was a tranny or a really ugly chick.  Cause that tight little stretchy black dress was not doing her/him/it ANY favors.  And it confused the HELL out of me.

*I really wanna know what the hell Tubthumping by Chumbawamba is all about, other than some hoser tying one on…I can’t drink all those drinks in one night and expect to wake up for a about a week…what kind of person CAN?!?!?!

*I need someone to explain why in DECEMBER when it’s 30* is this chick still wearing a “cocktail” dress and flippy sandals to work.  Really?  cause it was inappropriate in the summer, now it’s just weird. 

*Someone explain Lady GaGa to me…seriously. 

I am apparently driven this week by a stunning lack of focus.  I can absolutely not complete one task or one thought at a time.  Which has become increasingly more frustrating for Kris (Just Kris) who will also be known as the Chick.  (it’s easier and well, I am just that lazy hitting the shift key for the parentheses is just extra keystrokes…)

I will not be surprised if by the end of the week, she’s not just walking around with a wiffle bat, ready to pop me one when I get sidetracked. 

better find that helmet…

(EDITOR’S NOTE:  I have been strictly advised by Kris (Just Kris) that she is not to be referred to as the Chick, New Old Girlfriend (or NOG for short), Lady, Princess, Punkin, Sweetness or Pookie.  So I submit to the readers…Kris (Just Kris) needs a fitting nickname, help me come up with something…?)