Festive Dialogue. 

I love the holidays.  That isn’t a huge secret.  I’m not ashamed to admit it.  It starts with Halloween and finds it stride with Thanksgiving, then hits its peak with Christmas…

The wife and I have acquired a lot of Nutcrackers during our relationship. A lot. {insert favorite lesbian joke}  It just started a couple of years ago.  I guess if we won’t have children and she won’t give me a puppy…I will take little wooden men dressed in festive attire.

Today, I realized we are way not on the same page…not.at.all.

Me: “we have a lot of nutcrackers.  Like a bajillion.” (It’s a word)

Wife: “we do have a lot.  Do you think we have too many?”

Me: {blink blink} “too…many…?”

Wife: “maybe?”

Me: {crickets}

Wife: “we’ll just get more…”

I may have married a stranger…

Geography Dialogue.

A while back, the wife mocked me on social media for my geography skills.  I pointed out that I didn’t have to have NORTH, SOUTH, EAST and WEST down pat…I was a passenger, not a sailor.  And there were many who came to my defense.  Either because they understand me or felt bad for me…

In actuality, I DO know the four directions and which is which.  I choose to be a terrible navigator…yeah, that’s IT!!!

That apparently did not include knowing that Ft. Worth was WEST of Dallas.  There.  I said it.  I don’t know WHAT I thought, only that I did not think it through when I said it out loud.  “Isn’t Ft. Worth above and to the side of Denton?”

She made me stand in front of a map and point out where this stuff was.  Never actually thought about it before, which is 90% of the conversations we have…

I thought I was going to have to take the wife to the ER to get her checked for a concussion from beating her head into a wall, and for oxygen from laughing at me so hard.

Tonight, this happened.  While discussing a business trip she has planned.

Me:  “aren’t they going to have events in the evenings while you are up there?”

wife: “up there?  where?  Where do you honestly think San Antonio is?”

Me:  “you know, up there by Denton and Ft. Worth…”

For the record, I totally know where San Antonio is…it’s down there.  I needed to remind her that she CHOSE to marry me…on her own.

Anything else is her fault.

 

Present Dialogue. aka Honey Do Dialogue.

There are very few mornings that don’t end with the wife attempting to give me a list of things to do.  I say “attempt” because I will typically forget this list of errands and she ends up running around with me to accomplish them.  However, I know that my errand today is a standing errand, she just tries to “enhance” it from time to time.

It started like this….

From: the wife
To: Stephanie 
Subject: FW: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

I need to get dogs and buns…

From: Stephanie
To: the wife
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

For when?

From: the wife
To: Stephanie
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

Sorry, for Friday. Maybe we can pick them up tonight.

From: Stephanie 
To: the wife
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

By we, do you mean, “Stephanie pick up hot dogs and buns while you are getting drinks?”

From: the wife
To: Stephanie 
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

  Yes, of course.

From: Stephanie 
To: the wife
 Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

 I deserve a present

From: the wife
To: Stephanie
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST 

I’ll get you a sparkling carrot.

(some of you may not remember, I wanted a diamond, she wanted to give me veggies…you can read about it here.)

 

By the way….I DID get that diamond…only it wasn’t 8 carats, but it was her mother’s wedding ring, on our one year wedding anniversary.  I have never again mentioned 8 carats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conversation on point.

I had to stop by 7-11 on the way home and the Boy noticed the car next to us had pink panties hanging from the rearview mirror. Our conversation went.like.this.

The Boy: “When I get my car, I’m gonna do the same thing.”

Me: “you must not want to drive said car.”

TB: ” Mom, I’m gonna get Spider Man underwear, so my friends know I’m all into Marvel comics and all…”

Me: “so they your spidey sense is on fleek?”

TB: ” MOOOOOM….how do you know that word? Where did you learn that word? Do you know what it means!?!?!??”

Me: “on point, right?”

TB: “yes, BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!??!? You’re, like….old…”

Me: “it was on xxxxx’s Instagram. It said ‘my booty is on fleek’, I asked your sister….”

TB: ” IT SAID WHAT?!??!!? WHAT!!??!?? Stop it! It’s hurting my mind!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!”

Me: “yes, your Mommy’s vocabulary is the shizznit…I am a baller…”

TB: “shut.up. I need therapy, take me now….”

I almost wrecked the car from laughing so hard I couldn’t see for the tears…

He’s such an a-hole. With Spidey senses on fleek….

Ohhhh youth.

Dear younger me,

There are a few things I want to tell you. Now, before you start rolling your eyes, listen to me. I’ve been there and I truly wish I had a wiser, older me around to tell me these things.

No, you don’t know everything. No, you won’t always learn from your mistakes and no, you don’t have all the time in the world…so sit down, shut up and take some notes.

1. When you start working, invest in something called 401k. Start early, you’re gonna need it. Don’t touch it. It will turn into more money and when you get REALLY old and retire, you will have something to carry you through.

2. Gravity is not your friend. As you get older, it will grab hold of your hips, your chin and your boobs. Look at your mother…those will be your boobs someday. Get a good bra. WEAR a bra. Don’t argue.

3. Speaking of aging…start moisturizing, NOW. Use sunscreen. Always. With all the laying out and swimming and running around like a banshee in the sun, you’re gonna end up looking like a handbag and wonder what the hell happened. Those crowsfeet are bastards and they don’t fuck around. Moisturize.

4. Sun In is NOT your friend. Never use it. EVER. You are a little Mexican girl, it will turn your hair orange. Not a good look for anyone. You are not a pretty blonde, never bleach your hair. Darker is more mysterious…stay away from bleach.

5. Your father will tell you “cover up, leave something to the imagination!” He’s right, you don’t need to look like a baby prostitute every time you leave the house. Modesty will be a novelty when you get older.

6. Speaking of modesty, watch out who is taking pictures and what you are doing…there’s a thing in the future called “the Internet” and “Facebook and Instagram.” They have this fun little thing called “Throwback Thursday”. If you aren’t careful, these photos will not be your friend. You will not want to explain to your children twenty years from now why you don’t have a shirt on or what that “funny little cigarette” is.

7. Spend time with your grandparents and your parents. Talk to them. Listen to their stories. They are living history books and are witness to some of the greatest events of your lifetime. It will matter.

8. Be respectful, you little shit. Otherwise, when you have children (oh, you will) they will be 10 times worse than you. It’s called karma. And it is just and fair…so keep your room clean and your mouth shut.

9. Do your homework, pay attention and go to college. It’s way easier to get it done and be done, rather than try to do so once you are married and a mommy. Trust me…get it done as soon as you graduate, don’t wait, don’t “take a year off to find yourself”. Suck.it.up.

10. Pedicures and orgasms. Wait for both. Don’t listen to all your friends say they have done it. Wait for the right person. Once you find the person who gives you both, amazingly, you will know it was worth the wait. And no, not everyone is doing it and no, not everyone is good at both, or either of them. You need to be really, um, picky…

Yes…just a few words of advice. I’m going to let you suffer through mullets, purple hair dye, pale makeup, too much eyeliner and too much bronzer, I think some things build character. You will survive tight rolled jeans, Kaepas and friendship pins. You’ll even survive that unfortunate unibrow and perms.

Learn to love unconditionally and without judgement or reservation. Everyone needs a friend. Don’t stop at the surface of people, go deeper…it’s your calling. Get inside and be there, be present. Never judge anyone…it will be brutal when you are older, lots of people will show you judgements, don’t be one of those people. Love. It’s that simple.

You won’t always be friends with everyone you know and you won’t marry the first boy you love. Or the second or third. You will have your heart stomped on by mean girls and dickhead boys…you will survive.

Everyone gets older and when you go to your reunion, you will see, those popular girls got “curvy” and those hot boys lost their hair. Most of them will be divorced and just.like.you.

Time levels the playing field. You will find your voice. You will find your inner strength and beauty. You will become a badass.

Relax, enjoy. Live, love and laugh. Always laugh.

Good luck.

Oh!

P.S. This is the MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I CAN TEACH YOU….

…you will meet an amazing and really hot girl named Kristi. Look past the mullet. Those “butterflies” you feel mean something. Talk to her, get in her line of sight and stay there…you’re gonna be gay. It’s okay. But she’s your One. Stick with her. Those “butterflies,” that’s love. Once in a lifetime love. She will fall in love with you too…if I teach you nothing else, I hope you find her sooner than I (you) did.

Ride or Die Dialogue

Road trips are always fun with the wife…she drives, I’m a Princess and seeing as I am such, I am supposed to sit and look pretty. She has come to understand this.

There is horrible traffic on the way home, so we have done back roads and drove through Sam Houston National Park, which is beautiful. As we get closer the interstate, the wife starts to worry about the traffic and if we have made our way around said hurdle…it makes her question the responsibility I posses on this trip.

Today’s gem goes a little like.this.

Wife: “you need to get on Mapquest and find me an alternative route…”

Me: “this is why I should be driving, I’m not a navigator! I don’t know my way around shit!!!”

Wife: *snort*giggle*sigh*

As we finally get to the interstate and see it is smooth sailing and we did indeed make our way around the traffic, she looks at me…

Me: “this is why I am your ride or die…”

Wife of the Year Dialogue.

It’s October, should be fall, sweater weather, leaves changing colors, the crisp in the air, right?  Well, we are in Texas….its still 90* everyday…

Miss Manners says that you wear white from Easter to Labor Day.  I figure the same goes for footwear, ya know?

So, yesterday morning went like this…

Me:  {looking forlornly at my shoes in the closet}

Wife:  “What’s wrong? Why do you look like someone just stole your cookie?”

M:  “I have to wear pants now.”

W:  “Wha-?  Don’t you wear pants everyday?”

M:  “No, I wear capris.  They’re different.”

W:  “ahem, okay, why do you have to wear pants?”

M:  “because it’s after Labor Day, it’s October 1st.”

W:  “I still don’t understand….”

M:  “I can’t wear flip-flops anymore, it’s tacky….”

W:  “Tacky?  For work?  You work in a junk yard!”

M:  “Yeah, but it’s a fancy junkyard!”

W:  “okay, you work in a fancy junkyard, why again, no flip-flops?”

M:  “It’s after Labor Day, you can’t wear white or flip flops…..I think.”

W:  “baby, it’s Texas, the same fashion laws don’t apply.  It’s 90* in the shade, wear your flip-flops.”

M:  “well….”

W: “did you shave your legs?”

M:  “yes, of course!” {hint of hope in my voice}

W:  “then it’s okay, you can still wear your flip-flops!”

M:  *squee!!!!!*

She.gets..me..