Obsevations from the Cheap Seats

So I went to my first ever country music festival this weekend.  I knew one artist.  In fact, I had several of his songs on my iPod.  He didn’t sing any of the songs I knew.

Another artist sang a song I knew, but it was a cover of a pop song.

I truly went to spend time with friends…and people watch.  God help me, the people watching.  Wife told me I had resting bitch face for 6 hours and did it hurt?   I had to explain I had a great time, I was simply in a trance.  She’s afraid my face is going to freeze like that.  I assured her, I am almost 46, if it hasn’t yet, it’s not going to.  Then she pointed out a wrinkle across my nose and now, I deserve a present.  It just better not be Botox.

Anyhoo…let me present my thoughts, not necessarily in order…

  • Why does anyone make the fat girl carry all the food from the concession stand?
  • There sure are a lot of high heels here…at an all day musical festival.  Someone is gonna end up with “grocery store feet.”
  • There are A LOT of tight shorts here.  Like, A LOT.  These women look like sausages.
  • Why is everyone wearing cut off jeans and why are they cut SO SHORT?!?!?  it’s awkward.  Crap, eye contact. 
  • Oh, the leggings…so tight, I can see through them, tucked into the boots…oh, and she isn’t wearing underwear. Crap, we just made eye contact.
  • How many of you twits decided to forgo the bra?  Is that a country music thing?  No bras?  There’s so much side boob.
  • Speaking of boob…those are HUGE!!!!  seriously…my back hurts for you…they look like they need stilts like the houses on the beach. Whups…she bumped into me with those things…well, me and three others, I think she knocked a child down.
  • Is she REALLY pole dancing on the row sign?  Because, awesome and bad.
  • Damn…drunk guys can’t hold their beer.  Seriously, I have seen more drunk dudes spill beer than drunk girls.  Guess we ARE the superior gender…INYOFACE!!!!
  • Did they just break up?  I think they did?  She is pisssssed.  Cool. Wife has told me for the 4th time to quit staring.  Doesn’t she know me?
  • There is an astonishing amount of fake tanner.  And bronzer.  Hope no one sweats, this could get ugly.
  • Are those two dancing?  Dry humping?  Both?
  • I didn’t know they made jeans that tight.  For guys…I can coun- nevermind.  Wife needs to quit telling me to stop staring.  I can’t help it. 
  • Oh, that’s nice, they cleared an area OVER THERE for line dancing and two stepping, so please, just stand in front of me and dance…
  • Oh…that’s cute…for the 15th time, they are going to try to two step.  neither of them has rhythm, but never give up…just move OVER THERE.
  • DAMNIT, how do I not have my phone handy for that EPIC 15 second dance routine???  Because it’s soooo common to see a 65-year-old woman with a cane and a sturdy buzz getting jiggy with it in front of me to ZZ Top’s Sharp Dressed Man?!?!  Damnit all!!!
  • I am spending an inordinate amount of time watching those two guys work on those three girls.  It’s sad and they can’t dance. (side note: they never got digits, never got laid, BUT the ladies did get free beer, lots of free beer)
  • There should be a clothing drive at music fests to replace all the ripped jeans.  That can’t STILL be a style, right?  Who said the 80’s is dead…????
  • Should I tell that man that no man should ever wear white jeans, that tight.  With cowboy boots.  and a tank top.  never.  ever.

I am still using my eye drops because I was afraid to blink and my eyes dried out…or just seeing all….that…requires much washing.

when’s the next one?  cause I.can’t.wait.

30 days of highs, lows and an inappropriate observation. 

In no particular order, the following has happened in the last 30 days…

  • The wife and I realized we were hosting Thanksgiving and had seating for FOUR.  five, if you rolled the chair in from the computer desk.  
  • Found a table we fell in love with, then when the time came to purchase it, it was $200 cheaper than we initially planned for. 
  • The wife and I put that bitch of a table AND six chairs together.  It took 5 hours, but we did it and didn’t kill each other or the Boy. 
  • I proceeded to cook dinner for 15 and rendered myself damn near immobile by end of the day. 
  • Slept for 15 hours and woke up with the flu.  Or something else closely resembling death. 
  • I quarantined myself to the bedroom for 36 hours and the wife and Boy still got sick.
  • I have not watched a single episode of SVU in 10 days and I now know what withdrawal feels like…I don’t know how much more I can handle.  
  • I tried to watch Blackhat and thought I was losing my hearing…and my mind.  
  • Codiene cough syrup sleep is the best drool inducing sleep, ever.
  • Spent an evening with two of the most important friends I have and was allowed to finally rage and weep and mourn the end of a friendship while reigniting another one.
  • I have reconnected with a few dear people that I let my pride pull me away from.
  • I have realized that you can teach this old dog new tricks. 
  • I haven’t had a soda or junk food in 5 months and I feel incredible. 
  • A 46 year old gay man and a 17 year old boy will have the same reaction to a conversation that involves a vagina. 
  • That soul mates aren’t always romantic and I have several people who have filled my soul and made me whole. 
  • The wife and I have changed shower heads.  Twice.  We are waiting for our butch cards to arrive in the mail. Any day now. 
  • Our Christmas decorations are displayed before December 20th. 
  • We have lights on the outside…and they all work. 
  • I will find a nutcracker to buy in every store I walk into.  Including 7-11 or Petsmart. Don’t judge me.  
  • I am a magnet for all sorts of bullshit.  And that I handle said bullshit with amazing patience.  
  • I had to explain what “going HAM” was to the wife after I had used it correctly in a conversation.  
  • Used “on fleek” in the correct context.  
  • Have not yet had my freak out about the Boys upcoming surgery. But   we aren’t there yet.  
  • Have created a “to do” list with the wife of projects that are impressive and massive. 
  • Have learned I am inpatient about these projects. 
  • Had in depth discussions about vinyl vs. aluminum windows, gutters and landscaping.  
  • I watch too much HGTV. 
  • I need to play AND WIN the lottery. 
  • Bordered on a deep, uncomfortable conversation about tithing and God if I was to win the lottery. 
  • My hairdresser is convinced that my Vitamin D deficiency is due to my entry into menopause. Like I am joining a club…
  • Had an extremely awkward and hilarious conversation about panties with someone I was shocked to have such a conversation with.  
  • I have come to accept the fact I will not be seeing Star Wars the opening weekend.  And I’m okay with that.  
  • I have fallen in love with me again. Finally.  It feels wonderful. 

Here’s to more highs, more lows and more conversations about vaginas, panties and household improvements.

What’s been going on in your world???

Festive Dialogue. 

I love the holidays.  That isn’t a huge secret.  I’m not ashamed to admit it.  It starts with Halloween and finds it stride with Thanksgiving, then hits its peak with Christmas…

The wife and I have acquired a lot of Nutcrackers during our relationship. A lot. {insert favorite lesbian joke}  It just started a couple of years ago.  I guess if we won’t have children and she won’t give me a puppy…I will take little wooden men dressed in festive attire.

Today, I realized we are way not on the same page…not.at.all.

Me: “we have a lot of nutcrackers.  Like a bajillion.” (It’s a word)

Wife: “we do have a lot.  Do you think we have too many?”

Me: {blink blink} “too…many…?”

Wife: “maybe?”

Me: {crickets}

Wife: “we’ll just get more…”

I may have married a stranger…

Present Dialogue. aka Honey Do Dialogue.

There are very few mornings that don’t end with the wife attempting to give me a list of things to do.  I say “attempt” because I will typically forget this list of errands and she ends up running around with me to accomplish them.  However, I know that my errand today is a standing errand, she just tries to “enhance” it from time to time.

It started like this….

From: the wife
To: Stephanie 
Subject: FW: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

I need to get dogs and buns…

From: Stephanie
To: the wife
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

For when?

From: the wife
To: Stephanie
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

Sorry, for Friday. Maybe we can pick them up tonight.

From: Stephanie 
To: the wife
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

By we, do you mean, “Stephanie pick up hot dogs and buns while you are getting drinks?”

From: the wife
To: Stephanie 
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

  Yes, of course.

From: Stephanie 
To: the wife
 Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

 I deserve a present

From: the wife
To: Stephanie
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST 

I’ll get you a sparkling carrot.

(some of you may not remember, I wanted a diamond, she wanted to give me veggies…you can read about it here.)


By the way….I DID get that diamond…only it wasn’t 8 carats, but it was her mother’s wedding ring, on our one year wedding anniversary.  I have never again mentioned 8 carats.








Chore Monster.

Just like most Americans, Saturdays are chore day…laundry day, mopping, yard work, dishes, more laundry…you know…its a way of life in most homes…and most American kids HATE Saturday Chore Day. They develop tummy aches, sore throats, diarrhea, earaches, allergies, broken legs…hands…feet…whatever it takes to avoid chores.

We kept it pretty clean though the week, so Chore a Day is pretty easy around our place. I’m lucky that I get to have a housekeeper bi-weekly, I have a yard guy and our property manager has pool service…so the hard stuff stays done…as long as we keep up with laundry and dishes during the week, Chore Day is smooth sailing…

My kids seriously have it easy, contrary to what they remember or have created in their minds as to how hard life is….they have very minimal
chores and they have to do their laundry. Maybe clean a dish or two after I cook dinner for them…yet they fight me like wet cats…they will walk around like they are dragging a dead body over hot coals and complain the whole time…and don’t get me started on the attitude they throw…so it’s no surprise they disappear as soon as I touch a bottle of Pledge or look at the vacuum…

Today, the wife is out fishing…seriously, NOT a euphemism, but fishing…I’m getting updates from the boat…so I decided to update her on our day…

The text is a bit like this…

“Fireplace cleaned out, cabinets under kitchen and laundry room sinks are clean, mail sorted, furniture moved for carpet cleaning, laundry all put away, cooler emptied and washed, bathrooms cleaned, recycle ready and grocery list made…as soon as Terminix and Zerorez are gone, we are heading to the grocery store, gift shopping and to look for the Boys new bedding. I’d rather be fishing, I think.” (Yes, it’s a long text…I’m wordy)

I get back, “that’s a lot! We’re busy too! I caught four so far, first one was wrong species…”

I replied, “the Boy thinks that we don’t work this hard when you’re here because I’m distracted…and he gets to play games…I think he misses you…”

I deserve a present…

Good thing that I got shopping on the chore list…and we all know Saturday is Chore Day…

My Mind is a Winding Road.

I’m waiting for the sun to come out…I want to float in the pool, hoping it will take away back pain…I’m hoping that it will take the frustration from a week away…if not, there is vodka….(note to self, get cranberry juice and limes at the store…)

It hasn’t been all funky.  We just got back from an amazing trip to New Orleans, where I found that a Hurricane is way more palatable on the second one..but three is pushing your luck. Hand grenades are dangerous little fuckers and voodoo piques my curiosity…we walked and walked, in the sunshine and mostly in the rain.  Most places I visit, I can imagine living there…not NOLA…it’s a place I want to visit, over and over…keep the mystery alive.

Now I look forward to August…to November…those next trips…but there are birthdays, anniversaries and holidays between that I get to celebrate, here…with family and friends that I adore.  I am looking forward to this summer.

not the heat…but the hazy summer days.

I’m waiting for the sun to come out, I’m wanting it to rain, to fill lakes and ponds and keep grass green and foundations level…apparently, I am not sure what I want.

The wife has stated she wants steak for dinner…which I will gladly make happen, because in a week, she’s consumed MAYBE 1,500 calories…and that’s high. And no, it’s not a typo…in 5 days, 1,500 calories.  So if she wants steak, I will get her steak…now, someone tell me how to turn on the grill and I am good to go!!!

I am random, my thoughts are swirling, I am in a happy place, but a grumpy place, is that possible? Happy, because my life is in order…grumpy because my back is acting 90 years old.  Happy because I have spent time with the Boy watching movies, old favorites and new ones…eating popcorn and laughing.

The wife is feeling better, gastroenteritis is not something to fuck with…she no longer thinks I was trying to poison her with antibiotics and her fever broke.

I don’t have anything to complain about, I just realized most of my blogs are really cranky in one way or another, I decided to go with giving you the feeling that I may or may not be on painkillers today…

With that in mind, I give you the top random thoughts in my mind, right now..

I really want some ice cream…specifically chocolate, strawberry and butter pecan.  All at once.

I wish it was time for Transformers 4…

Golf on TV muted is almost bearable.

The State Fair in three months, I already want a corny dog.

I’m waiting for the sun to come out.




Simple Math and Other Stupidity.

Correct me if I am wrong…

A circle is 360 degrees, right? So to go to the opposite side is 180 degrees, right? SOOOO….to be the opposite of where you are, you need to go 180 degrees, right? Following that logic, if a person wants to drastically change, to be the opposite of what they are, they need to only go 180 degrees….or am I insane?

If a person tells me, “oh, she’s changed, she’s not a total bitch any longer, she’s done a 360!!!”  Doesn’t that mean the bitch is just an overachiever and she’s back to being a total bitch?  Because to be the complete opposite of a bitch, one would only need to go to the OPPOSITE extreme, or the opposite side of the circle, right?  So that’s just 180 degrees….to go 360 degrees, she’s just decided being bitchy was more fun and she’s come all the way back around…this makes me crazy…

Am I the only one in this boat?


So, I get asked a lot of questions…some make me ponder my own sanity….some make me ponder others…for example:

*Are you busy?   No….never.  I have been sitting here, waiting for you to come ask me that question.

*Do your kids have the same father?  I believe so, but I’m not sure about their mother…

*Why do you drive so far for your job? Because Bossman worships me and I don’t do anything.  See first stupid question.

*You’re gay?  Nope.  Not at all.


I get random e-mails that my spam doesn’t seem to catch.  Apparently:

*I am eligible for my AARP card.  Allllll the time.

*I am also eligible to sign up for OurTime.com…the older people dating website.  Because I’m over 60.

*I am in need of Viagra.  Who knew?

*There are no less than 15 prospective employers looking for me on some job website.  And they want to pay me top dollar.

*There are also singles in my area, right now waiting to hear from me.

Methinks I need to update my spam rules….ugh.  I need  shower.


A few admissions…

*Yes, I watch the Bachelor and the Bachelorette.  Yes, I do.  And amazingly, my bestie will call or text me during every episode.  Which I find hysterical…and is also the reason I TIVo them.  Don’t judge me.

*I will stay up during the week until midnight, at the earliest, by Friday, I am in bed by 8:30…9:00 at the latest.

*I love my washer and dryer and one of my favorite chores is laundry.  Just don’t tell my wife.

*I am a complete Mrs. Kravitz and not by choice.  Folks will tell me anything, whether I ask or not.

*I completely detest only one person in the world and it’s not the Respondent.  And I wish a sturdy STD on this person.  Something itchy.  She’s a complete beast.  I ask for forgiveness every day for this.  Every.day.

*I am way smarter than most give me credit for and have a very attuned intuition.  Trust me, I know more than you think I do and I probably see more than you want me to.  Most people underestimate me.  And they shouldn’t.

*I have decided that as nice as I want to be, I want to be a doormat less.  I committed this year to reaching out to people when I thought of them and for 5 months, I have done this…however, I have not had the favor returned…I don’t like how it makes me feel and it’s led me to reevaluate lots of relationships.  This has made me infinitely sad and at times, feel really lonely.

*Someday, I will tell the people who made me feel like this exactly how I feel.  It will probably be an email…simply because I will not waste the energy on those that mean that little to me.  They aren’t worth it.  I just don’t want to deal with the drama just yet.  I mean, we’re lesbians, of course it’s drama…

G’night, sweet dreams…embrace the stupid…it will get you through the day…find the funny.  Even in the stupid.


Lesbian, Part 4,732

It’s amazing to me, I am still asked some of the weirdest questions about being a lesbian…so maybe I can wrap a couple of things up and put some of the mystery to rest.

1.   No, I don’t know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.

2.   No, not everything in my home is rainbow themed.  In fact, I have two scarves that are rainbow, that’s IT…not even a rainbow magnet on the fridge.

3.   Not all lesbians pray at the altar of Melissa Etheridge or Pink.  Or Angelina Jolie.

4.   Nor do we all appreciate Indigo Girls.

5.   Still don’t have my wallet attached to a chain.

6.   we do not strip off nekkid and run around the yard every time there are more than 4 of us together…that’s saved for special occasions, like New Years, or Saturday nights.

7.   We do not all drink whiskey…however, I have met one or two that can prolly drink you under a table.

8.   yes, we know Ellen is gay, so is Portia.  So is Meredith Baxter (the mom from Family Ties).  So was Katherine Hepburn…we.are.everywhere…

9.   We don’t all want to actually BE men.

10.  It’s not a first date thing to pull up with a U-Haul and move it, that’s at least the second date.  Third if you’re really standoff-ish.

11.  Like Elvis, there are two stages of k.d.Lang appreciation, 90’s version and 2k version…either one rocks, so it’s basically just your personal preference.

12.  The chick standing next to you, is three beers and a pillow fight away from being “experimental.”

13.  There isn’t a secret handshake.

14.  Yes, the stripper grinding on you as you pay her for that lap dance, might very well be gay…you’re dumb ass just thinks you can score with her…but go ahead and give her another $20…she’ll be Mary Poppins if it will keep your wallet open.

15.  No, we don’t all own stock in all things Affliction or Ed Hardy…we leave that to the less fortunate.

16.  Last time, no, I’m not interested in your little swimmers, stop offering them.

17.  Last time, yes I still wear makeup. And carry a purse.  I’m also still scared of spiders.

18.  Last time, there isn’t a “man” in this relationship…kinda defeated the whole purpose of being a lesbian, yes?

19.  Last time, no, my kids aren’t gay.  Go ahead and ask them….I double dog dare you.

20.  For heavens sake…no, you can’t change me…and no, I really, REALLY don’t appreciate the offer…but thanks!

Perhaps the next a-hole that wants to be cute or funny can come up with some original questions.  I’m gonna get this shit printed on business cards and start stapling them to people’s foreheads.

Perhaps it shouldn’t matter because I don’t ask these questions of you…or maybe I have something you are lacking…they’re called manners.  You should get some.

Let’s just kick back, have a beer and think about other things, things we can fix…global warming, war in the Middle East or world hunger…

you just leave the heavy lifting to us dykes… 😉

Rules of Summer Living.

It’s that time of year…summer.  Kids wait for it all year, parents count the days until the next school year starts…so, in quiet sister/brotherhood of all parents, I submit the following rules…

(1) Yes, you can stay home.  By yourself.  No, I can’t take the summer off.  I have to work, sorta, to pay for your summer entertainment.  You will need to appreciate this time in your life….when you grow up, you too, will have to work…buckle up.

(2) No, I cannot create magnificent dishes for you to enjoy while I am working.  There is Nutella and Mac & Cheese….feel free to enjoy both.

(3) Yes, you will have chores.

(4) Yes, I understand you are on vacation….let’s consider this a “stay-cation” and pick up your room.  If I find anything on the floor, I will hold it hostage until the school year starts.

(5) No, 7:00 AM is not a bedtime.

(6) Yes, you will have a curfew.  And chores, did I mention chores?

(7) If you use every single towel in one afternoon of pool fun, you will wash, dry and fold said towels before midnight.  And suffer the wrath of Mommy Who Does the Laundry.

(8) Do not call Mommy allllllll day long at work.  I have a job, you are eating Nutella….shut up and appreciate your childhood.

(9) Do not sit in front of your Xbox all day and when I walk through the door expect me to feed you immediately, see #8 and enjoy.

(10) Every once in a while, get up from said Xbox and stretch.  If you spend the summer hunched over a gaming console, you will look like the only freshman Quasimodo.  Go outside, get some fresh air.

(11) Putting the fan in front of the window does not constitute fresh air.

(12) You will need to do the following on a daily basis:
Brush you teeth.
Put on clean clothes.

(13)  I am sure, your horrible teachers will give you summer homework. It’s their summer “fun”.  We’re adults, we can do so… Suck it up, you will do this homework and read, so I do not have to send you to Pre-K before your freshmen year starts.  Nor will you wait until the night before school starts to cram it all in.

(14)  Do not EVER tell me you are bored.  You have Xbox, Wii, 800 cable channels, a pool, a bike, friends in the neighborhood and a park with a basketball court at the end of the street.  Telling me you are bored will get you more chores, such as cleaning baseboards and toilets.  Take your chances if you feel lucky.

(15) Have fun, stay safe.  We are proud of you….


Parents, I will pray for all of us this summer.  And it’s only 90 days or so until the next school year.  I am already planning a day off once school starts to recover, count.on.that!!!!



Gay 101.

So, a few years ago, I came out.  Seven years to be exact.  Do I think I was born gay?  Maybe.  I don’t know.  I do know however, I was born a girl.  I became “enlightened” later in life and honestly, I now wonder…what the hell took me so long???

Alas, not everyone is “enlightened” or further, even knowledgeable about the Gay Thing, so I am gonna give you a couple hints:

  1. If you are trying to be “cutting edge” or “trendy”….gay is not the way you should go.  This lifestyle isn’t “trendy”….it’s not easy.  You run the risk of friends and family cutting you off.  If you want “trendy or cutting edge,” go color your fucking hair…stay away from gay…
  2. My name is Stephanie.  Calling me dyke, lesbo, fag, muncher of any kind, scissor sister, U-Haul, lipstick, etc…will get you ignored.  I could care less what you call me.  You’re the idiot acting like a third grader….not me.
  3. I didn’t wake up one morning, look at the Respondent and decide to be gay.  Although, he did completely turn me off of men…the gay wasn’t his fault.
  4. No, I didn’t cut my hair when I got the gay….I cut the hair off in honor of two friends that lost loved ones and donated it to Locks of Love.  But I do hope you feel like a dick for asking.
  5. No, I prolly won’t grow it back out.  I actually get more compliments the shorter I go and have folks walk up and ASK to touch it.  Had a lady at Hobby Lobby go get her friend to show her my hair.  And another one trot across a parking lot to ask me how I did my hair, who cut it and was it my natural color….yep….this short shit is staying…
  6. I still wear makeup.
  7. And a bra.
  8. No, I don’t own a motorcycle….well, I sorta do…the wife has one and she is amazingly hot when she rides it…wowza!!!
  9. No, my wallet is not attached to a chain.
  10. I wear flip flops, almost exclusively, not work boots.
  11. I wear girly jewelry.  I love my diamonds.  Specifically, my mother-in-law’s ring that was given to me on our anniversary.
  12. Yup….legally married.  Got the certificate and last name to prove it.  Suck an egg if you don’t like it.
  13. Kids aren’t gay.  It’s not contagious and it’s not a special ingredient I can add to dinner….the kids are alright.
  14. We don’t eat babies and not all of us are looking for a sperm donor, so calm down.  And quit volunteering your swimmers.
  15. We don’t do virgin sacrifices…well, not on your first visit.
  16. I don’t want your wife, girlfriend, best friend….I have the best wife, I have the world’s best bestie and I am no longer allowed to have a girlfriend.
  17. No, you can’t convert me.  In fact, even the mere thought of you trying…actually makes me more gay.

Yes, I’m gay.  I can deal with it.  It’s not really my problem if you can’t.  No, I am not going to put it in your face, but I am damn sure not gonna hide it either.

It’s 2012.  When there are folks into some really freaky shit….quit worrying about me.  And specifically what I do behind closed doors.  That would be between me and one other person….MY WIFE.

you gots any other questions…hit the worldwideweb….it’s full of answers…