Politics suck. 

I was going to post this In response to some comments on a post, I decided to just put it right here…so it’s verrrrry clear.

Look folks…I don’t excuse any of her acts….she isn’t my first choice.

But if any of you actually think that DONALD F*CKING TRUMP is the answer to our prayers, you’re just as delusional as he is. He is hateful, hurtful and a complete asshole. Hypocrite isn’t even the start of his bullshit problems. So posting your Liberal hate on my wall or your memes about Hillary are only going to prove my point, over and over…that Republicans in general are a hateful, excluding group of asshats that don’t deserve my respect or friendship. Now, do YOU enjoy being lumped into such a group? Do YOU think it’s fair?????

Here’s the thing, he’s a horrible choice for President, let’s be honest. And all I can think is that someone in the GOP that was more deserving, more qualified than this blustering ball of bullshit. Someone who could have led this country somewhere other than down a path to hell. He got this nomination because he is basically a school yard bully.

I’m a social liberal and a fiscal conservative. He doesn’t speak for me. I voted for Obama because Bush left this country in a hole we are still recovering from.

I will state again, for the record…I am for equal pay for equal work.  I am for gay marriage, I believe Black Lives Matter, I believe in free speech and consequences for ones actions. I don’t think any man can tell me what to do with MY body. I support Planned Parenthood and believe they provide more services than the ones they are condemned for.  I think teachers, police and firefighters are EXTREMELY underpaid and professional athletes are over paid.

I believe in term limits for ALL politicians and the ones who scream the loudest have the most to hide.   I think if you DO ship our jobs out of the country, you lose your tax breaks.  I think our welfare system cripples people that need assistance and doesn’t help them.  I think the filthy rich need to pay their share not more.

I believe in God, I believe in the Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights.  I believe we are all immigrants and we need to remember we TOOK this land from Native Americans and we should shut up about anyone else taking it from us.  I think it’s stupid to talk about seceding from the Union and those saying that don’t know what they are talking about.

I don’t think you get a trophy for coming in second and I think that standardized testing should be banned forever and the “new math” is stupid…we are raising children who have no arts programs and can’t write in cursive.

I think that being a gentleman or being ladylike is disappearing quickly from our culture.  I miss manners and common sense.

This political race is reducing people to blathering, blaming buttholes…our world is too tragic for such hate.  It makes me sad.  Terribly sad that people I consider my friends lash out and treat others with such venom and vitriol.  There is such a fury that it shocks me.

Trump took the nomination that probably belonged to another.  That’s the truth.  And I may have voted for this other person, because I am not completely sold on Hillary.

Know this,  I would vote for ANYONE other than Trump.  I mean, if the Cookie Monster was running against him…he would get my vote.

So…shut up, sit down, calm down.  Or at the minimum, keep your shit off my social media.

Let’s try to stay friends…

30 days of highs, lows and an inappropriate observation. 

In no particular order, the following has happened in the last 30 days…

  • The wife and I realized we were hosting Thanksgiving and had seating for FOUR.  five, if you rolled the chair in from the computer desk.  
  • Found a table we fell in love with, then when the time came to purchase it, it was $200 cheaper than we initially planned for. 
  • The wife and I put that bitch of a table AND six chairs together.  It took 5 hours, but we did it and didn’t kill each other or the Boy. 
  • I proceeded to cook dinner for 15 and rendered myself damn near immobile by end of the day. 
  • Slept for 15 hours and woke up with the flu.  Or something else closely resembling death. 
  • I quarantined myself to the bedroom for 36 hours and the wife and Boy still got sick.
  • I have not watched a single episode of SVU in 10 days and I now know what withdrawal feels like…I don’t know how much more I can handle.  
  • I tried to watch Blackhat and thought I was losing my hearing…and my mind.  
  • Codiene cough syrup sleep is the best drool inducing sleep, ever.
  • Spent an evening with two of the most important friends I have and was allowed to finally rage and weep and mourn the end of a friendship while reigniting another one.
  • I have reconnected with a few dear people that I let my pride pull me away from.
  • I have realized that you can teach this old dog new tricks. 
  • I haven’t had a soda or junk food in 5 months and I feel incredible. 
  • A 46 year old gay man and a 17 year old boy will have the same reaction to a conversation that involves a vagina. 
  • That soul mates aren’t always romantic and I have several people who have filled my soul and made me whole. 
  • The wife and I have changed shower heads.  Twice.  We are waiting for our butch cards to arrive in the mail. Any day now. 
  • Our Christmas decorations are displayed before December 20th. 
  • We have lights on the outside…and they all work. 
  • I will find a nutcracker to buy in every store I walk into.  Including 7-11 or Petsmart. Don’t judge me.  
  • I am a magnet for all sorts of bullshit.  And that I handle said bullshit with amazing patience.  
  • I had to explain what “going HAM” was to the wife after I had used it correctly in a conversation.  
  • Used “on fleek” in the correct context.  
  • Have not yet had my freak out about the Boys upcoming surgery. But   we aren’t there yet.  
  • Have created a “to do” list with the wife of projects that are impressive and massive. 
  • Have learned I am inpatient about these projects. 
  • Had in depth discussions about vinyl vs. aluminum windows, gutters and landscaping.  
  • I watch too much HGTV. 
  • I need to play AND WIN the lottery. 
  • Bordered on a deep, uncomfortable conversation about tithing and God if I was to win the lottery. 
  • My hairdresser is convinced that my Vitamin D deficiency is due to my entry into menopause. Like I am joining a club…
  • Had an extremely awkward and hilarious conversation about panties with someone I was shocked to have such a conversation with.  
  • I have come to accept the fact I will not be seeing Star Wars the opening weekend.  And I’m okay with that.  
  • I have fallen in love with me again. Finally.  It feels wonderful. 

Here’s to more highs, more lows and more conversations about vaginas, panties and household improvements.

What’s been going on in your world???

Hump Day. 

I want a new puppy. A Frenchie. I have tried to argue with the wife that I would take care of it by pointing to the kids…I still don’t have my Frenchie. 

My job stresses me out. I love it but it is making me fat. Stress creates cortisol, cortisol creates fat, ergo, Bossman is making me fat. I deserve a present. 

I’m not a fan of most sweets, which by my size is shocking. But I can abstain from chocolate. And cakes. And pies. And cookies. But not Oreos. 

My kryptonite is cheese. All of it. Well, most of it. There are some funky cheeses. I don’t do funky. 

Bossman better not bring me Oreos. 

I wish I was one of those people who could take vitamins daily. They say it takes 21 days to create a habit, I get to day 19 and whoops…gotta start all over. 

I can only start a diet or a lifestyle change on Mondays. I don’t understand that but given I can’t do anything for more than 19 days, life stays interesting. I prefer to think that I’m a chameleon, others prolly say I lack focus. Whatever. Wait, what?

I get cranky and fall into a really dark rabbit hole. I am making healthy steps to get around this and remove people who send me into said rabbit hole. It’s actually liberating. I have a few more that need to go, but I hold on, because these people will break my heart to walk away from. 

Certain folks need to understand, my wife may have a badge that she protects and honors…I do not. She may respect the law and won’t risk her career or reputation…I have the First Amendment to protect me and a so-so reputation that I am not afraid to tarnish. 

I’m not afraid of anyone. Well, maybe Republicans. Definitely rabid, stupid Conservatives…but lying, freeloading sacks of shit…I’m not. I have truth. That trumps your dumpy ass. 

My governor did nothing for me as our AG. Now he does less as my governor. Respondent owes me $25k in child support. And he has hero status. Fucker. 

I am currently addicted to my Chuck Taylor’s. I love them. And it’s flip flop season. So I feel like I’m cheating when I wear my sneakers. 

I love that we bought this place. I do not love that I am now in charge of decisions. Like fencing. And flooring. I can’t make a decision about dinner, you want me to choose granite?!??! 

I want a treadmill, but I’m too cheap to buy one. I can walk outside for free, but I’m too lazy. I will prolly just buy a purse. And more Chucks. 

I should get ready for work. 

Points to ponder.

When you buy a home, HGTV should automatically show up at your doorsteps and make  the home looks perfect.  Just sayin.

Why was popcorn ceilings sooooo popular??? It makes me insane.

I need to stop googling home improvements, it’s making me impatient. 

On American Idol, do they sound better in the audience than on TV…because this blue hair chick is working my last.gay.nerve.

Speaking of Idol, what is with the beard on Ryan, is he trying to be Harry 2.0. I’m not sure how to feel about it.  And are those press on nails JLo is wearing?

I’m distressed that Empire is off now…and Orange is the New Black isn’t back yet.  Thank God for Blacklist.

When is the appropriate date to begin wearing flip flops? 

I have a serious addiction to nude lipstick and PopTarts. I need a support group. 

I need a new puppy.  

And purse. 

I miss my peeps. They know who they are.  Through texts, calls, FaceTime or whatever…there is a group of peeps that make me smile and I love each of them…

Need to plan a get together soon.

Need to plan trips to Kenner, Ronnie, Urs and Shelah. 

I want to go to Memphis and NOLA. again. Soon. 

I should prolly be nicer to Bossman so he will give me the time off. Oh, who am I kidding…I will continue to be a pain in the ass and he will still give me the time off…duh. 

I wanna take a cruise.

I should prolly be finishing the damn laundry instead of free flowing the shit in my head. 

I live a blessed life..with amazing, beautiful kids and a wife that I can’t live without. I’m simply amazed by this every damn day. 

I need a nap.

I can’t figure out if I’m really angry or just really tired. I’m trying to figure out if it’s stress or heartburn. I want to figure how to get out of this bullshit mood I find myself in…I feel stuck in it.

I.hate.this.

As I read through previous entries, I find I reach out to this blog for many reasons. Some are funny, some sarcastic. Other times, it’s to grieve for various things…my father, the fate of the next generation, the demise of my waistline and manners…

I realized, there are many entries about my hurt feelings. The key to these…I let others hold my emotions hostage. Apparently, I always have and probably always will. I talk a good game about letting others go and to let my strength in myself be enough, but WHAM!!! Next blog, same song. I’m wondering when I’m gonna hit that limit. When is enough, enough?

I read others blogs. I read others posts…I see how they learn to cut and run to save themselves. Why can’t I? Someone teach me.

I have completely retreated into myself. I feel it. I know it. And I don’t care.

I’m angry. Because I feel like I have cared and chased people like a junkie chases the dragon. It’s made me insecure and sad. Like I’m not good enough and well…that sucks. I’m angry because I have allowed others into my head and they have messed around in there and changed me. Fuck you, that’s not nice.

I have to slow down sometimes, remember I am not the only person out there. I’m not the only one with stress and pressures. The world doesn’t revolve around me. Then I realize THAT’S my problem. I’ve always allowed everyone else’s problems, pressures and stress matter more than mine. I don’t tell people but I damn sure get mad when I feel taken for granted.

I guess it’s my fault I don’t matter to folks more. I don’t weigh them down with my problems. I prefer to keep them internally and work it out in my own. I am drowning in stress right now. To the point I can’t put it into words. I honestly feel invisible and that makes me insecure. That leads to anger…and sarcasm. This should be fun.

I’ll be fine. I don’t need insincerity and effort now…chances are, I won’t answer or return a call until I bounce back. And I don’t know how long that’s gonna take.

I’ve learned, in 44 years, this post isn’t gonna change anything…folks will still abuse my friendship, love and good manners. People will still walk all over me. And I will continue to let them and blog about it later…this thought makes me tired. Maybe my gift is being a doormat and I just need to embrace it.

Nah….this time is different. I feel it. As these words leave my mind and flow through my fingers, I feel ease. I feel weight lifting off my shoulders. This time, I won’t let people back in…they keep me at arms length, I shall learn to return the favor.

I am going to treasure the handful of people that I have. There is this group of random folks that make me smile…those get my affection and attention.

I apparently have a few things to figure out.

Ohhhh youth.

Dear younger me,

There are a few things I want to tell you. Now, before you start rolling your eyes, listen to me. I’ve been there and I truly wish I had a wiser, older me around to tell me these things.

No, you don’t know everything. No, you won’t always learn from your mistakes and no, you don’t have all the time in the world…so sit down, shut up and take some notes.

1. When you start working, invest in something called 401k. Start early, you’re gonna need it. Don’t touch it. It will turn into more money and when you get REALLY old and retire, you will have something to carry you through.

2. Gravity is not your friend. As you get older, it will grab hold of your hips, your chin and your boobs. Look at your mother…those will be your boobs someday. Get a good bra. WEAR a bra. Don’t argue.

3. Speaking of aging…start moisturizing, NOW. Use sunscreen. Always. With all the laying out and swimming and running around like a banshee in the sun, you’re gonna end up looking like a handbag and wonder what the hell happened. Those crowsfeet are bastards and they don’t fuck around. Moisturize.

4. Sun In is NOT your friend. Never use it. EVER. You are a little Mexican girl, it will turn your hair orange. Not a good look for anyone. You are not a pretty blonde, never bleach your hair. Darker is more mysterious…stay away from bleach.

5. Your father will tell you “cover up, leave something to the imagination!” He’s right, you don’t need to look like a baby prostitute every time you leave the house. Modesty will be a novelty when you get older.

6. Speaking of modesty, watch out who is taking pictures and what you are doing…there’s a thing in the future called “the Internet” and “Facebook and Instagram.” They have this fun little thing called “Throwback Thursday”. If you aren’t careful, these photos will not be your friend. You will not want to explain to your children twenty years from now why you don’t have a shirt on or what that “funny little cigarette” is.

7. Spend time with your grandparents and your parents. Talk to them. Listen to their stories. They are living history books and are witness to some of the greatest events of your lifetime. It will matter.

8. Be respectful, you little shit. Otherwise, when you have children (oh, you will) they will be 10 times worse than you. It’s called karma. And it is just and fair…so keep your room clean and your mouth shut.

9. Do your homework, pay attention and go to college. It’s way easier to get it done and be done, rather than try to do so once you are married and a mommy. Trust me…get it done as soon as you graduate, don’t wait, don’t “take a year off to find yourself”. Suck.it.up.

10. Pedicures and orgasms. Wait for both. Don’t listen to all your friends say they have done it. Wait for the right person. Once you find the person who gives you both, amazingly, you will know it was worth the wait. And no, not everyone is doing it and no, not everyone is good at both, or either of them. You need to be really, um, picky…

Yes…just a few words of advice. I’m going to let you suffer through mullets, purple hair dye, pale makeup, too much eyeliner and too much bronzer, I think some things build character. You will survive tight rolled jeans, Kaepas and friendship pins. You’ll even survive that unfortunate unibrow and perms.

Learn to love unconditionally and without judgement or reservation. Everyone needs a friend. Don’t stop at the surface of people, go deeper…it’s your calling. Get inside and be there, be present. Never judge anyone…it will be brutal when you are older, lots of people will show you judgements, don’t be one of those people. Love. It’s that simple.

You won’t always be friends with everyone you know and you won’t marry the first boy you love. Or the second or third. You will have your heart stomped on by mean girls and dickhead boys…you will survive.

Everyone gets older and when you go to your reunion, you will see, those popular girls got “curvy” and those hot boys lost their hair. Most of them will be divorced and just.like.you.

Time levels the playing field. You will find your voice. You will find your inner strength and beauty. You will become a badass.

Relax, enjoy. Live, love and laugh. Always laugh.

Good luck.

Oh!

P.S. This is the MOST IMPORTANT LESSON I CAN TEACH YOU….

…you will meet an amazing and really hot girl named Kristi. Look past the mullet. Those “butterflies” you feel mean something. Talk to her, get in her line of sight and stay there…you’re gonna be gay. It’s okay. But she’s your One. Stick with her. Those “butterflies,” that’s love. Once in a lifetime love. She will fall in love with you too…if I teach you nothing else, I hope you find her sooner than I (you) did.

Ride or Die Dialogue

Road trips are always fun with the wife…she drives, I’m a Princess and seeing as I am such, I am supposed to sit and look pretty. She has come to understand this.

There is horrible traffic on the way home, so we have done back roads and drove through Sam Houston National Park, which is beautiful. As we get closer the interstate, the wife starts to worry about the traffic and if we have made our way around said hurdle…it makes her question the responsibility I posses on this trip.

Today’s gem goes a little like.this.

Wife: “you need to get on Mapquest and find me an alternative route…”

Me: “this is why I should be driving, I’m not a navigator! I don’t know my way around shit!!!”

Wife: *snort*giggle*sigh*

As we finally get to the interstate and see it is smooth sailing and we did indeed make our way around the traffic, she looks at me…

Me: “this is why I am your ride or die…”

Say Goodbye.

I am so ready for 2013 to be over…not because it’s been all bad, but December has decidedly kicked.my.ass.

Typically, I am the first one to embrace the holidays, to throw up the Christmas decorations and spout holiday yay for all to hear…this was not to be this year…

I blame December.

See…most years, the bulk of Christmas shopping is done by the first week of December…nooooo….not this year and the stress of the retail season hit me between the eyes…please, allow me to share my oh-so-wonderful December moments…

  • We shall travel back about 5 days before December to Thanksgiving…the Boy ends up getting sick on the way to Papaw’s house and we end up turning around and heading home.  I still have another Thanksgiving meal for my family.  We find that the Boy’s toilet has been broken…we don’t know how…but this will be important within two weeks.
  • First weekend of December – we have an ice storm that shuts down school for two days…we are housebound for three days…on the fourth day, the Boy has three, THREE seizures in front of me…which is completely frightening…and we promptly brave the ice and head for Children’s Hospital where we spend two days and I pray more than I can put into words…’member the broken toilet?  we now believe that he had a seizure…we also find out that he’s been having seizures for a year and has thought the seizures were simply “muscle spasms” and hasn’t said a word.  We get a diagnosis of Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy.  They are typically in the mornings and are triggered by a lack of sleep.  We get meds and mommies enact a strict schedule that provides 8-10 solid hours of sleep each and every night.  We haven’t had a seizure since.
  • Second weekend of December – we have Kris’ family Christmas….only with the ice and hospital stay, we haven’t had time to shop…know what that means?  Sprint shopping two days before the celebration, 5 stores, and trips at midnight…we also finally get the Christmas decorations up in the house…lights outside this year????  forget.it.
  • Third weekend of December – we actually took that Friday off work to start and finish our Christmas shopping…and on that morning, I broke my wife’s finger.  I didn’t just break it a little bit…I damn near took it off!!!!  It involves scaring me, smacking her with socks, a chase and the slam of a door…and locking of said door on said finger.  Yes, me, I did it…and we were in the ER getting stitches and pain meds until midnight.  Not a single present was purchased…until Sunday, the 22nd…because yes, I am not at all ready for this holiday.
  • The 23rd requires me to do the grocery shopping for three major meals to take place in the next two days, Christmas Eve baked ziti, Christmas Day breakfast for 11 and Christmas Day Dinner…it takes me 50 minutes to do this shopping, FROM MEMORY.    I get home, holy shit!!!!  Kenner is coming to stay…which requires me to get my house in order, because I have done nothing in 5 days…except cry and cater to the wife…so it’s 5 loads of laundry, a load of dishes, vacuuming, removing my 6 pairs of shoes from the den to my closet, pre-cooking Christmas Eve dinner, finishing the 2nd day of the wrapping marathon, etc…all the while, TRYING to keep the wife still and not helping, because she keeps trying and I don’t want her to…thank God I have the Boy and the Daughter to help with the house and errands…

Why didn’t I do stuff during the week you ask?  Well….the Boy has athletics until 6PM, then it’s home for dinner, homework and other household chores that prevent leaving the house…it’s not like we aren’t busy…we are, constantly…to the point I forget the holiday…

I realize on Christmas Day that I am exhausted.  And there isn’t an ounce of holiday hooray in my bones…and it makes me sad….and angry.  I let my life get in my way.  I took it for granted…and I needed a thump to remind me that I am not actually in control, that He keeps me on my path, that I need to remember to float on my faith…the faith that things will happen as they are supposed to, I am not to try to control everything in my way and to just let.go.

I made a commitment to myself last year on New Year’s Day to allow my family to center me, to allow my family to surround me and support me.  To trust in myself and my faith that I will get through it…and I didn’t do that, so my year has ended in a colossal “F You” to my control freak tendencies…

I need out of this funk…I need some happy…I am sooooo looking forward to staying in tomorrow night, ending the year as I started it…in my jammies and in a very happy place…I refuse to allow it to end any other way…

I’m going to say Goodbye to December and some of the most trying days I have had in years.

I’m going to say Goodbye to worry and doubt and ill will.

I’m going to say Goodbye to others that bring me down.

I’m going to say Goodbye to stress and pressure that I heave upon myself to control everything.

I’m going to say Goodbye to 2013 and HELLO to 2014…and it will be a most epic year…

 

Knock on Wood.

I live a blessed life.  I do.  I don’t know how or why, but God decided that I had earned it.  I am humble at all that I receive, I am humble because I have things that others don’t.  It keeps me honest.

I have my family.  I have my health.  I have food in my pantry and love in my heart.  I have a job that I love and a roof over my head.

I wake up everyday next to the love of my life.  I have children that are beautiful and smart and driven and I wouldn’t trade them for a moment.  I might sell them for rocks, depending on the day and how nice those rocks are.

I have family that loves me no matter how much we fight.  I get it…we are a dramatic mess, but my mom, my sister…we are the Tullos Women, there’s only the three of us left.  We are small, yet proud tribe and I am grateful everyday that they are here.  I know that at the end of the day, I will be there for them, no matter how much I bitch about it, I will be there.  It’s what we do, us Tullos Women.

I have the best friends anyone could ask for.  All of them, I may have friends I don’t talk to often, or only keep up with them on Facebook, but they are my friends.  I have chosen to share my life with them on Facebook, in person, over text, wherever…they are awesome, fabulous people, here, there, everywhere…I love my friends.

I have my health.  Last year, I wasn’t sure about that…and it’s terrifying and eye-opening.   I can’t take it for granted ever and I want to be here, to see my kids graduate, to see them attend college, to walk them both down the aisle, to see my grandchildren.  I want to grow old with my love in life. I get it now, that this human body is fragile an it’s my responsibility to take care of it, to be here.  And over the year, we have made changes to our habits and we feel better, we laugh more….we appreciate what we have been given.

Somewhere along the line, I was granted a second chance at life…it happened years ago and I only recently realized that it’s a gift.  This love that has walked into my life.  The way my children have blossomed.  The way my life has twisted and turned and led me here.  It wasn’t my doing, it was the path that was laid out before me.  I am lucky that I found my way.

Folks, life is short, life shouldn’t be taken for granted.  We don’t “deserve” anything, we have to earn it to appreciate it.  The most graceful of people get that.  The most honest of people work for it.  I have so many of these people in my life, it takes my breath away.

We had our AC go out yesterday.  In August.  In Texas.  Yes, it’s hot….terrifically hot.  7th level of hell hot.  And we had no less than 5 people offer us their homes, their guest rooms, whatever we needed.  We ended up at a pet friendly hotel last night with the AC at 64* for the entire night.  And then blessedly today, new AC unit and coolness.  And we have had so many check on us, I just feel loved.  Purely loved.  Me and mine.

Tonight, just for a moment, pause and think about all the blessings you have in your life.  From the FB friend across the states, to the person who shows up on your doorstep to check on you.  Think of the job that provides for you.  Think of the family that would do anything for you.

Look at your life, you get to wake up everyday.  You get to love and laugh.

If you are reading this.  Know that you are a blessing in MY life.  I am grateful for each of you.  My world is inexplicably better because you are in it.

Float on faith.  Love one another.  And laugh.  Laugh until your face hurts.  Share your joy….share your story.

Thank.you.all.

one helluva ride.

I don’t even know WHERE to begin.  What to tell you, what to feel.  It’s been over a month and I have on many occasions thought and NEEDED to write, to get everything out, but there’s soooo much.  Some is mine to share, some is for others.  I have so many highs, so many lows in the past month.

I have lost track of how many times I have said, out loud to anyone who would listen, “I need a hug.”

I have counted every time someone came to my rescue.  There were times, those hugs kept me going…

Things have been happening in my life for several months, like a “season” and truth be told, I am stronger, I am wiser and I have learned that I am smaller than the whole…I have lived, more than that…I am surviving.

It’s been a season of sickness, of surgery, of fear, of happy, of tears, of new beginnings, new fight stirred in one’s soul, deeper connections, more love, more laughter, more growth and…new babies.

I accept the fact and am finally at home in the role of “go-to.”  Most people in my orbit, as I am told, see me as a source of strength, what they don’t understand….I draw my strength from them.  From their love, their heart, their friendship.  They give it to me and in turn, I am able to return it.  As someone said to me, “don’t you see? You could KEEP it all for yourself, your beauty lies in the fact that you take that strength and return it, plus some.”

I don’t see it like that, but it meant and continues to mean the world to me.  It gives me a peace and yes, strength, knowing that my tribe, circles around me….loving me, protecting me and holding me up.  God’s Will, in my life.

I again, am watching my mom in the hospital.  I am determined for the last time.  She is amazing, two hip replacements, two knee replacements and countless “fixes” to the new joints…she has spent 40% of the last 10 years in the hospital…and even now, when I go see her, she smiles.  It’s truly an example of her unending will to be better.  And I refuse to watch her whither or feel sorry for herself…with her last setback, I just told her…”No, you will NOT spend Christmas here…I will NOT host Christmas here…you will be at my house, one way or another…”  And she saw, in my face, that I wouldn’t back down.  She won’t either.

I am watching a couple of loved ones fight battles that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  And all I can do is sit by, hold their hand and fight FOR them.  As I told one of them, “you get today to be sad, tomorrow we fucking fight.”  And they are.  It’s brought us closer and has made me see them in such a different and so honorable a light, it’s amazing.  I have been told “thank you for what you have done.”  And I sit, thinking, “what have I done?”

The other one, has battled as quietly and gracefully as I have ever seen.  Outside of the immediate family, I am the only one who knows anything.  And when they called to check in with me, I quietly stopped, said a prayer and was met with, “I am grateful beyond words for your sweet soul.  I thank you for praying with me, I didn’t know you were so faithful and I can hear it in your voice.  It’s beautiful.”

I don’t know if I could be as strong and as positive if it was me, but I pray that I could do these things with as much grace as either of them have.  I am honored they are sharing their battles with me.  I love them both and there isn’t a day that I don’t have both of them on my mind almost all the time.  I know in the end….these are some kick ass people and they will win their battles, I get to be their cheerleader.

My children are growing, literally and figuratively.  Both are 6’+ now and are showing signs of the greatness they both possess.  The daughter is growing in her relationship and in her path, knowing what she has to do in life as an adult, feeling her way through it and finally meeting it head on and dealing with it.  The Boy, knowing what he wants, has set his sights on his school work and his football.  He is training in off-season and is growing as an athlete.  I am beyond overwhelmed that I, at one time, carried each of these amazing beings in my belly.  That for the first nine months of their existence, they fit inside me and needed only me for their every need.  Kinda like now, only now they are too big for my belly…

My relationship with my wife is a constant source of love and encouragement.  I dare say, without her, I would be a shell.  I can’t put into words the amount of love, respect and awe I feel.  I look at her and am amazed everyday that she chose me.  ME.  Out of everyone, she chose me to marry, me to share her name, me to walk through this life with her.  I look forward to growing old with her, to watching the Boy and the Daughter marry, to enjoying our travels, our grandchildren and our lives.  Together.  I don’t have the right words, but ohmygoditsfuckingamazingandiamtheluckiestwomanever!!!!

My sister, I believe, has met her match.  I think.  She’s a tough cookie.  And the niece is tougher.  TRUST me….mob enforcers are more yielding than the niece.  Sweet Jesus.  I miss my sister, but it’s the beginning and it’s all new…I remember this…and in time, there will be balance.  There BETTER be balance….I don’t share my toys well and we all know the baby sister was my first and favorite toy…but I am proud of her, she’s done things to make her life better and I feel positive things for her are quickly on the horizon.

Have I told you yet how much better my life is because of my Kenner?  Because she is the best friend I can ever have.  The Jelly to my Peanut Butter, the ying to my yang.  The Mary to my Rhoda.  My biggest warrior and best alibi.  The only way you could ever truly “get” our relationship is to be in the middle of our text conversations…they are so ridiculous to the outsider, but they get me through EVERYTHING.  Throughout this “season,” she’s been there…when I needed a joke or for her to tell me to just shut up, stand up and deal with it…she’s been there….and to make it allllll the better, she got the wife on her side.  DAMN.IT.  I love when she’s here, I am sad when I watch her leave.  I love making her smile, I love making her laugh.  She is alternately the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other.  She’s my rock-star.  I am a better person because she likes me, hell, I’m a better person because she gets me.

I gotta say it….and it may sound a bit butt-kissy….but I have the greatest job….EVER!!!  I mean, Bossman has given me whatever time I have needed this year for my life….from doctors, to vacations to I’m-gonna-lose-it-if-you-dont-give-me-a-damn-day-off, to the every single day I can’t get to work on time to save my life….he’s been there.  When I needed just to get all the bullshit out to letting me hire/move/rearrange/give raises/time off to those who need it, he’s been there.  I work with an awesome group of people who pretty much just move over and let the control freak (me) drive…they know I am loud, I get cranky and they know when to avoid eye contact (everyotherMonday)…they also know I will do everything in my power to help them any way I can and they return the favor.  From my fellow managers to the reps, to the warehouse/production folks to my amazing staff…I am very lucky…I get to go somewhere that I love to be everyday.

Well, until I win the lottery, then I will love to be in Fiji…everyday.

Best of all….we got to welcome a baby…my Little Miss.  She’s beautiful, got a head full of hair and smells like a baby!  She’s 6 lbs, 10 ozs of perfection and we love her so.  I have discovered the wife is alllllll about the baby presents and every time we are at a store, we are in the baby section.  Little Miss will want for nothing and her Aunties will see to that.  I love seeing new relationships, new families develop.  The smiles between them, the way they are starting to finish each others sentences, knowing what one needs without a single word.  I wish this for everyone…it’s called bliss.

yep, this “season” has been one helluva ride.  I have loved every happy, sad, frustrating, teaching, laughing, scary moment.  I can’t wait for what tomorrow holds.

I got this.