Folks, I need your help, I need your forgiveness. I need your understanding.
I have lied. I have disrespected. I have not honored my love in life and I need to correct that.
Five years ago, we fell in love. I will forever be grateful for the moment that I realized you wanted to share your life with me. I will never understand why someone like you fell for someone like me, but I am NOT going to question it, I am simply going to treasure it.
Five years ago, I fell in love with you and haven’t looked back. To say anything else, is disrespectful and not honorable of you or our relationship.
Here’s the thing…yes, we were both in untenable situations. Neither of us were looking but I firmly believe that it was our destiny to be together. How else do explain it? Fate is the only logical answer. The problem was/is/will always be me. It’s true. I’m a scaredy cat. I don’t handle change well, I don’t handle hurting people well, to the point that it hurts me. It took you to point that out to me, to ask me one question that I couldn’t answer honestly…”why does everyone else’s happiness come before yours?” Once I realized that I was dealing with adults that were responsible for their own feelings and at such time, they weren’t concerned about my feelings or your feelings…my feeling of responsibility changed.
However, my feeling of acceptance from everyone else did not. I needed support, I needed people to tell me they didn’t blame me. As I imploded the relationship I was in and found that damn near everyone walked away from me, I was desperate to make those around me accept my new relationship. And I allowed folks to question me and you and us and our history and our relationship.
It seems less tawdry to offer details inside failing relationships than the most simple straightforward answer, I fell in love with you.
But over five years, we have fought back. We have fought rumors, untruths and disparaging comments and the evaporation of “friends”…and we won.
Over five years, we have fought back against modern-day version of the Kraken. Seriously, what else do you call someone who tried to take your name, your career, your reputation? She took the home, stole your identity, your money….and then had the nerve to take your closest friend.
This was because you left. For me. None of this would have happened to you if you had just stayed put…but you have never wavered, you have never once made me feel like I wasn’t the greatest love of your life. You have always made me feel worth it. It’s five years later, I am still blown away that you gave up so much, just to love me.
In the end, I realize, we won. You are surrounded by wonderful people who stand up for you, who know you and your heart, your ethics, your word. You are surrounded by people who care less about how we got here and more about who we are. Our blessings are boundless, we have a great, faith filled and loving life. We have come so far, together…not taking each other, our family, our friends, our lives for granted…God has truly blessed us, I am grateful for that every.single.moment of every day.
I get it.
It hit me today, that my story, my need for acceptance was wrong. Yes, I had issues in my relationship…everyone does…but it was easier to say “we were ending….would have never made it…we had issues that I couldn’t get around”. Don’t ask me why, but “I fell in love with someone else” sounds way more horrible…like I was this home wrecker, this cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater or something. I didn’t want to be a bad person, I wanted people to look at me and say “you deserve it!!!! I’m happy for you.” Not “you deserve it you home wrecker!”
I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten wiser, I’ve gotten a bit more secure.
There are four people who truly know what happened. And that’s the four involved. It’s obvious that we all color the version we tell. There are people in our worlds that THINK they know the truth and judge us…those folks, they are better off far away from me. You have shown me it doesn’t matter in OUR lives what anyone else thinks, it’s not going to change us, our relationship or our life together. We will still walk our path, together, happy and in love.
My love, you have never once questioned me, my story or my reason for that necessary acceptance from everyone else. You have never lost faith in me, or us or my love.
It broke me today, to realize how it sounded to you, when I would say “she left for me, but mine was full of issues.” It broke me, because in my mind, it trivialized our decision to be together. I was worth leaving a long-term relationship for, but you weren’t….and that was absolutely wrong…..I should have owned it from the beginning. You know, the thing we couldn’t stop. The freight train…it deserved to mean more.
When I broke today, I told you why and you looked at me like I was crazy. You asked me how I was going to fix it. You told me you knew I thought you were worth it. I needed to say to you…
I decided earlier that since you fell in love with me through my words, through my blog, I would do this…an open letter of apology, a love letter to my soul mate, my wife. So here goes…
I should have never treated you, or us in such a way. I should have never, EVER said anything except this…
Five years ago, I lied. Now, here’s the truth. I left for you.
I would do it all over again.