Festive Dialogue. 

I love the holidays.  That isn’t a huge secret.  I’m not ashamed to admit it.  It starts with Halloween and finds it stride with Thanksgiving, then hits its peak with Christmas…

The wife and I have acquired a lot of Nutcrackers during our relationship. A lot. {insert favorite lesbian joke}  It just started a couple of years ago.  I guess if we won’t have children and she won’t give me a puppy…I will take little wooden men dressed in festive attire.

Today, I realized we are way not on the same page…not.at.all.

Me: “we have a lot of nutcrackers.  Like a bajillion.” (It’s a word)

Wife: “we do have a lot.  Do you think we have too many?”

Me: {blink blink} “too…many…?”

Wife: “maybe?”

Me: {crickets}

Wife: “we’ll just get more…”

I may have married a stranger…

Present Dialogue. aka Honey Do Dialogue.

There are very few mornings that don’t end with the wife attempting to give me a list of things to do.  I say “attempt” because I will typically forget this list of errands and she ends up running around with me to accomplish them.  However, I know that my errand today is a standing errand, she just tries to “enhance” it from time to time.

It started like this….

From: the wife
To: Stephanie 
Subject: FW: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

I need to get dogs and buns…

From: Stephanie
To: the wife
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

For when?

From: the wife
To: Stephanie
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

Sorry, for Friday. Maybe we can pick them up tonight.

From: Stephanie 
To: the wife
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

By we, do you mean, “Stephanie pick up hot dogs and buns while you are getting drinks?”

From: the wife
To: Stephanie 
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

  Yes, of course.

From: Stephanie 
To: the wife
 Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST

 I deserve a present

From: the wife
To: Stephanie
Subject: RE: Memorial Day Lunch LIST 

I’ll get you a sparkling carrot.

(some of you may not remember, I wanted a diamond, she wanted to give me veggies…you can read about it here.)

 

By the way….I DID get that diamond…only it wasn’t 8 carats, but it was her mother’s wedding ring, on our one year wedding anniversary.  I have never again mentioned 8 carats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Treat her right. 

Folks tell me, or us, often that we are “so cute” in love…they ask what our secret is…

I’m gonna tell you, it takes work. A lot of work. And as long as both parties are doing the work, it…works. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not the easiest person to love, hell, to even like..but I own my faults and do my best to be a better person; to be a person worthy of that love.  Some days I am, some days I prolly fall short. 

I read lots of articles about how to sustain a relationship or how to tell if they are the right one, the wrong one or if they are a psychopath. I’ve pondered on my own blog here how do you know if it’s The One.  Or someone else’s One…

…it’s a lot to ponder. 

So I decided to come up with a few hints that may or may not help you in your quest to find, keep or run from One. 

  • Never stop flirting with each other.  I’m the first to admit that I can take everything to a diiiirty level.  It’s a gift. And I love when she leers at me, winks or gives up some innuendo. There’s a rush to it and it is a small moment that should be light hearted and fun. 
  • Always let the other feel like the center of your world. This is harder. Especially when you have kids. Part of a parents “id” is that children come first.  In a sense, yes, because they need to be taught, to be supported and to be provided for…but here’s the rub….you have to make your other half be important because they are your partner, they are the ones right next to you. They will be the one to support you, protect you and provide for you…you have to return that favor. Before you can make anyone else important, you have to put each other first. You are a team. Never forget that. 
  • Take time, each day…to be with each other. My favorite time of the day is the end…when we shut down and slow down and just be in the same space…to talk and for us, laugh. 
  • Which brings me to my next hint. Laugh. A lot. Often. This woman makes me laugh to my toes.  It is essential to our relationship that we can laugh together and at each other. 
  • Understand that you will have bad days and respect that the other will as well.  Stay centered. Stay loving. Be there to listen and offer love, jokes and vodka. 
  • Sometimes you will lead, sometimes you will need to follow…always walk beside each other. 
  • Never take them for granted. This person puts up with you and all your “issues”…you need to appreciate that level of naïveté and embrace it. Don’t use it up, appreciate it. 
  • Honesty. It’s necessary. If you can’t be honest about everything then you haven’t found your One. 

I will give you a few hints that, if you come across them…run.like.hell.  

  • They choose to not meet you halfway. To let you do all the heavy lifting and allowing you to shoulder all the stress. This won’t change. 
  • If they try to create a divide amongst you and family, children or friends. These people are your support system…they will be there when ou run away from this shit head. 
  • If they can’t commit. This should be a no-brainer. Yes, the chase is fun…yes, it seems worth it. It’s not. Too much chasing, you just get tired. 
  • If they join Match.com or Yahoo Dating or basically any dating website while you are together….this is a dick move and just a shitty thing to do (side eye at the Beast, because she did this). 
  • Bathing.  Yes, it’s a necessity. Yes, there are those that don’t. There is no reason to date funky. 
  • Alternatively, don’t date someone that you don’t see the “real” person.  It goes back to honesty and if they aren’t showing you behind the curtain…there’s some issues. Run. 
  • If they want to spend alllll your money. Back to the work thing. I dated a person who wanted to work part time and be a “stay at home” mommy.  To my kids. Only this meant they wanted to work 20 hours a week and then come home and play video games. Yeah….dick move. 

Moral of the story….the story of “us”….love, laugh, share, enjoy. Remember respect, honesty and faith. It will work.

Here’s to your One….May that be as wonderful as mine.  May your life be as blissful as ours. 

They’re mine, thank you.

Well…I’ve landed in the ER. Finally, for the first time in five years, my wife is having to sit next to me and wait.

Before anyone freaks out, it’s my knee. I was chasing a shopping cart in the Wal Mart parking lot and something popped…and I could no longer put weight on it. No big deal…it hurts, don’t get me wrong but it’s not at all life threatening. There are people here that are in worse shape.

Pain is manageable, so manageable that I have refused pain shots. I sit here, full clarity with an ice pack, the Broncos and my wife.

When we got home and I realized I couldn’t walk, I cried…which freaked my wife out. Once the Daughter heard me, she jumped in…then the Boy. I’ve got the most excellent set of “human crutches” that anyone could have.

So I was ordered into a recliner while my army brought groceries in, got me ice packs, pillows and ibuprofen. I was told to sit on my hindquarters until they could figure out what to do with me. I felt four. But a loved four.

The daughter is handling the delivery of a new bed and dinner for the two of them…we are waiting in results. I wanna go home to my family.

The wife is keeping the mother and sister, the bestie, the LP, her bestie and Bossman updated. They have all offered love and prayers. Bossman called me stubborn…but that’s code, right?

So I will prolly go home with crutches and an immobilized knee. I’ll go to work, I’ll shuffle around and make Thanksgiving dinner. I’ll spend time with loved ones and exasperate them by not sitting down. It’s called tradition. Only this year, I’ll show off my crutch skills. God.help.us.

But this family of mine…genetic and chosen…I say this…I love you so…thank you for worrying and praying and talking with me.

I’m a tough ol’ broad…I got this.

Ride or Die Dialogue

Road trips are always fun with the wife…she drives, I’m a Princess and seeing as I am such, I am supposed to sit and look pretty. She has come to understand this.

There is horrible traffic on the way home, so we have done back roads and drove through Sam Houston National Park, which is beautiful. As we get closer the interstate, the wife starts to worry about the traffic and if we have made our way around said hurdle…it makes her question the responsibility I posses on this trip.

Today’s gem goes a little like.this.

Wife: “you need to get on Mapquest and find me an alternative route…”

Me: “this is why I should be driving, I’m not a navigator! I don’t know my way around shit!!!”

Wife: *snort*giggle*sigh*

As we finally get to the interstate and see it is smooth sailing and we did indeed make our way around the traffic, she looks at me…

Me: “this is why I am your ride or die…”

Love Letter to My Wife.

Folks, I need your help, I need your forgiveness.  I need your understanding.

I have lied.  I have disrespected.  I have not honored my love in life and I need to correct that.

………

My love,

Five years ago, we fell in love.  I will forever be grateful for the moment that I realized you wanted to share your life with me.  I will never understand why someone like you fell for someone like me, but I am NOT going to question it, I am simply going to treasure it.

Five years ago, I fell in love with you and haven’t looked back.  To say anything else, is disrespectful and not honorable of you or our relationship.

Here’s the thing…yes, we were both in untenable situations.  Neither of us were looking but I firmly believe that it was our destiny to be together.  How else do explain it?  Fate is the only logical answer.  The problem was/is/will always be me.  It’s true.  I’m a scaredy cat.  I don’t handle change well, I don’t handle hurting people well, to the point that it hurts me. It took you to point that out to me, to ask me one question that I couldn’t answer honestly…”why does everyone else’s happiness come before yours?” Once I realized that I was dealing with adults that were responsible for their own feelings and at such time, they weren’t concerned about my feelings or your feelings…my feeling of responsibility changed.

However, my feeling of acceptance from everyone else did not.  I needed support, I needed people to tell me they didn’t blame me.  As I imploded the relationship I was in and found that damn near everyone walked away from me, I was desperate to make those around me accept my new relationship.  And I allowed folks to question me and you and us and our history and our relationship.

It seems less tawdry to offer details inside failing relationships than the most simple straightforward answer, I fell in love with you.

But over five years, we have fought back.  We have fought rumors, untruths and disparaging comments and the evaporation of “friends”…and we won.

Over five years, we have fought back against modern-day version of the Kraken.  Seriously, what else do you call someone who tried to take your name, your career, your reputation?  She took the home, stole your identity, your money….and then had the nerve to take your closest friend.

This was because you left.  For me.  None of this would have happened to you if you had just stayed put…but you have never wavered, you have never once made me feel like I wasn’t the greatest love of your life.  You have always made me feel worth it.  It’s five years later, I am still blown away that you gave up so much, just to love me.

In the end, I realize, we won.  You are surrounded by wonderful people who stand up for you, who know you and your heart, your ethics, your word.  You are surrounded by people who care less about how we got here and more about who we are.  Our blessings are boundless, we have a great, faith filled and loving life.  We have come so far, together…not taking each other, our family, our friends, our lives for granted…God has truly blessed us, I am grateful for that every.single.moment of every day.

I get it.

It hit me today, that my story, my need for acceptance was wrong.  Yes, I had issues in my relationship…everyone does…but it was easier to say “we were ending….would have never made it…we had issues that I couldn’t get around”.  Don’t ask me why, but “I fell in love with someone else” sounds way more horrible…like I was this home wrecker, this cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater or something.  I didn’t want to be a bad person, I wanted people to look at me and say “you deserve it!!!! I’m happy for you.”  Not “you deserve it you home wrecker!”

I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten wiser, I’ve gotten a bit more secure.

There are four people who truly know what happened.  And that’s the four involved.  It’s obvious that we all color the version we tell.  There are people in our worlds that THINK they know the truth and judge us…those folks, they are better off far away from me.  You have shown me it doesn’t matter in OUR lives what anyone else thinks, it’s not going to change us, our relationship or our life together.  We will still walk our path, together, happy and in love.

My love, you have never once questioned me, my story or my reason for that necessary acceptance from everyone else.  You have never lost faith in me, or us or my love.

It broke me today, to realize how it sounded to you, when I would say “she left for me, but mine was full of issues.”  It broke me, because in my mind, it trivialized our decision to be together.  I was worth leaving a long-term relationship for, but you weren’t….and that was absolutely wrong…..I should have owned it from the beginning.  You know, the thing we couldn’t stop.  The freight train…it deserved to mean more.

When I broke today, I told you why and you looked at me like I was crazy.  You asked me how I was going to fix it.  You told me you knew I thought you were worth it.  I needed to say to you…

I decided earlier that since you fell in love with me through my words, through my blog, I would do this…an open letter of apology, a love letter to my soul mate, my wife.  So here goes…

I should have never treated you, or us in such a way.  I should have never, EVER said anything except this…

Five years ago, I lied.  Now, here’s the truth.  I left for you.

I would do it all over again.

Mommy World.

My kids have two mommies.

It’s okay…I acknowledge it isn’t for everyone, but it’s perfect for us.  I am bio-mom.  I carried these two bundles of joy,  I shared a heartbeat with each of them.  I’ve loved each of them 9 months longer than anyone else ever will.  I have made my share of mistakes, I have made your share, my neighbors share, my 3rd cousin twice removed’s share….I have screwed it up more than I care to think about, but I own it.

These two are of me, they look like me, act like me, sound like me.

I have taught them the truth may hurt, but everyone is WORTH the truth.

I have taught them that even though they are head and shoulders taller than me, I can still put them in their place.

I have taught them to respect themselves, because in life, many others won’t.

I have taught them that yes, adults do suck sometimes, and even the ones that say they love you and won’t leave, do.  It’s not their fault, it’s on the other person.  They aren’t to give them any energy.

I have taught them unconditional love.  Period.  No excuses, no reason.  Love is love….and there is always room for more of it.

I have taught them that I will walk through fire for them.  I love them to my very core and there isn’t anything they can do to change that.

Then I gave them the Wife.  And it’s changed our lives, all of us.  I have known her for 30 years, we have been a family for 4 years…it gets better every day.

I once asked the wife why she loved them so much, her answer was simple, “In the beginning, I loved them because I love you and I see how much you love them…how do you not love someone so much? Now, I love them because we have our own relationships, we have our own things…they are as much mine.”  She’s the goods.

She hasn’t “thanked” me yet for these relationships, but she hasn’t run for the hills either.

So everyone understands, my kids have two mommies.  It’s okay.

I had a conversation with the sister today that made me think about what actually constitutes a family.  See, I had two mommies, no…not in THAT way, I had my bio-mom and my step-mom.  Everyone should have a step-parent like mine.  She never felt like a step-parent and she never treated me like less.  I love her everyday and think of her often.  She left my life after the divorce, but in my heart, she left me with a sister, a brother and a 2nd mommy that I will always love and lessons I will never forget.

In today’s society, there are so many single parents, by choice, by death, by separation, the list goes on and on…here’s my take on it….

there are so many that need love, need guidance, need structure and support…why shut folks down?  Because of their sexuality?  Seems short-sighted and petty.  Maybe that’s just me.

My kids got/get asked all the time “your mom is gay???” and both without missing a beat, without hesitation, “yes.” Simple and true.

Yes, they have been picked on.   But I’ll let you in on a secret; kids pick on kids, regardless of whether or not mommy is a fag.  All kinds of reasons….

  • Mommy is fat.  (it’s okay, I am)
  • Mommy isn’t blonde.  (tried it once, not pretty)
  • Mommy isn’t a stay at home mommy.  (Bossman would cry)
  • The daughter’s hair was too short.
  • The boy’s hair was too long.
  • We didn’t live in the right part of the neighborhood.
  • We didn’t have a hot tub.

Kids learn what we teach them.  These two have learned there are lots of different ways to love others, that it’s okay to have one parent, or two, or two mommies, daddies, step parents, foster, adopted, whatever…they have learned family isn’t always genetic.

Sometimes, the right one walks in the door.  This person will take away the hurt and replace it with love and honor.  This person will show a child it’s okay to trust, to love someone who isn’t “the norm.”

Besides, my definition of normal is way different from yours.  Example, I think it’s completely normal to have 7 pairs of the same shoe in different colors or the same purse in 4 different colors.

What? not normal?

told.you.so.

Wife of the Year Dialogue.

It’s October, should be fall, sweater weather, leaves changing colors, the crisp in the air, right?  Well, we are in Texas….its still 90* everyday…

Miss Manners says that you wear white from Easter to Labor Day.  I figure the same goes for footwear, ya know?

So, yesterday morning went like this…

Me:  {looking forlornly at my shoes in the closet}

Wife:  “What’s wrong? Why do you look like someone just stole your cookie?”

M:  “I have to wear pants now.”

W:  “Wha-?  Don’t you wear pants everyday?”

M:  “No, I wear capris.  They’re different.”

W:  “ahem, okay, why do you have to wear pants?”

M:  “because it’s after Labor Day, it’s October 1st.”

W:  “I still don’t understand….”

M:  “I can’t wear flip-flops anymore, it’s tacky….”

W:  “Tacky?  For work?  You work in a junk yard!”

M:  “Yeah, but it’s a fancy junkyard!”

W:  “okay, you work in a fancy junkyard, why again, no flip-flops?”

M:  “It’s after Labor Day, you can’t wear white or flip flops…..I think.”

W:  “baby, it’s Texas, the same fashion laws don’t apply.  It’s 90* in the shade, wear your flip-flops.”

M:  “well….”

W: “did you shave your legs?”

M:  “yes, of course!” {hint of hope in my voice}

W:  “then it’s okay, you can still wear your flip-flops!”

M:  *squee!!!!!*

She.gets..me..

Taco Night.

I love to cook.  For friends, for family.  I love being in the kitchen, creating dishes that will nourish and bring us together.  How the room begins to take on energy and life…the laughter, the smiles, the conversation.  I have found when I am in the kitchen cooking, folks come there…to be in the room, some to snack, some to “help,” some to just visit.  The kitchen is truly the heartbeat of our home.

It’s been a rough, hard patch for me and I think because of that, I haven’t had a creative urge.  I have been so ruled by my emotions and my anger and irritation, that nothing has been enjoyable to me.  Not even cooking.

It hit home yesterday, at the Boy’s football game.  They didn’t do well.  In fact, they lost. Terribly.  And the wife and I inadvertently sat in the wrong section and were a few rows back from the opposing team families.  This is relevant only because they were cheering….loudly.  And beating my son’s team.

How DARE they?!?!?  Didn’t they know that these young men were going to be devastated when they got in the car, didn’t they realize that these young men were going to blame themselves, individually for their team loss.  How dare they sit in the stands being noisy, cheery and happy that their own young men were winning!!!!

I don’t mean I was unhappy.  I mean I was completely irritated and spoiling for a fight. Every time one of them clapped or said “Good job!” I got upset.   Loudly upset, daring one of them to turn around, say something  or even shoot me a dirty look.  I am telling you, it hit a low yesterday.

The wife had to point out to me that if it had been our team, our son, I would have been loudly cheering, loudly proclaiming  “Good job!” and clapping until my hands were numb.  She told me that I was way too irritated and it had been a becoming a more frequent occurrence.  That my moods had changed and I was less happy, more quick to anger.

It was sobering.  She has no idea how this hit me.  I have quietly sat and thought about this since yesterday.

I have gotten so cranky lately.  I don’t know why.  I have let so many other people rule my emotions and my thoughts.  For no good reason.

This week, we did something I never thought I would be able to do.  We bought a car for the Daughter.  It was more the wife than me, which means so much more, because she did out of love.  Not because she HAS to love the Daughter, but because she WANTS to love her.

I told the wife and the Daughter, we just realized that she needed that one small break…that one step that showed her that she could have faith.  That she could lean on family and that our love for her, our faith in her, would be enough to help carry  her.  She was completely shocked and I loved every tear she cried.  If ever a kid deserved the happy, the moment of good shock, it was the Daughter.  And the wife made this happen.

I can never have the ability to tell her how much this meant to me.  How much it meant to me that she worked for this deal.  I was, am, will always be in awe of the level of her compassion for others.  I can never tell her how grateful I am for her, how her love transforms me daily.

That is a lesson I need to always remember…I am transformed every day.

My New Year’s Commitment, not Resolution, was to allow my family, my home to center me.  To bring me back to my core and remind me that even in the smallest way, I matter, that I am part of something special.  I just have to remember to ALLOW my home to recharge my batteries.  To ALLOW my family to bring me back, to help me find my center.  I tend to forget this lesson.  I tend to push it aside, to bring the work, the outsiders, the negative into my core.

It took some obscene cheering and a wife making an innocent statement to snap me out of it.

I realized that I have an amazing family.  I got to spend some really great quality time with the Daughter on Thursday night, just learning about her as a young woman.  We’ve had many of these times since she’s moved out and I feel better about our relationship now, moreso that I ever have before.  We are closer than ever and I treasure the fact that this person, this beautiful woman is of me….that her values, her morals, her life experiences are of me.  It’s mind-blowing.

So on Thursday, it was decided that we would do “Taco Night” on Sunday.  Taco Night is the Daughter’s favorite meal…and the glee was un-containable.  I would almost think that she fasted for three days to prepare.

I have spent the day recharging….as I committed to at New Year’s.  I have changed from one set of jammies to another.  And did nothing.  I sat, watched TV, read, checked Facebook and just chillllllllled out.  I need this, so much.  This CTRL-ALT-DEL on my life.  It’s become imperative in my life.

I love my job.  I find that there are times, I tend to bring my work home.  I have to be careful, because I am the type of person that can let my job take over my life.  I try to leave it at work, or at the very least, let it go on the 40 minute drive home.  And lately, I haven’t done that.  I have seen my conversations revolve around my day, not around my family.

I needed today to remind me that my family is my everything.  My whole reason to get up, to breathe, to do what I do day in and day out.  I needed to honor the commitment to me.

So after sitting around all day, I began doing my do….I began creating a meal for my family.  In the heart of this home, the food, the smells, the energy….it surrounded me and reminded me that I have a family I have to nourish.  Not only with food, but with faith, with love and with peace.  It’s my job to feed them, to love them and I am good at this job.

So as the family gathered around a table overflowing with good food, we laughed, we shared, we spent cherished time together.  Who knew that guacamole and tortillas could pull me out of my funk.

As I watched the Daughter and the Boyfriend leave, with enough leftovers for a family of four, I knew that tomorrow will hold new promise.

Tomorrow, I will wake up to another day in my blessed life and I won’t take it for granted.

WIth the kitchen cleaned, the Boy tucked in and the house quiet again, I find my end of day…and it will end with me, next to my wife, centered and peaceful.

ahhhhhh…..

Matrimonial Dialogue.

I have been happily married for a year and a half.  We have perfected this delicate dance we do, we acknowledge the give and take that is necessary for all successful relationships.

However, the wife forgets that I write a blog.

So, we have this ongoing joke about a friend that I maintain has a girlcrush on my wife.  Not a bad thing, I am not even a little bit threatened or insecure.  I just like to give her shit about it.  A lot.  Most would say it’s passive aggressive, but to know me…it’s just funny to me.

We are talking one evening about the girlcrush…the wife denying, me laughing…she comes across so naive about such things…but she’s hot and I don’t for one second blame the friend…I lived 28 years with a girlcrush on her before she became mine…so I get it.

Meanwhile…on the patio, the conversation goes something.like.this…

the Wife:  “She doesn’t have a crush on me….”

Me:  “She does, honey…it’s okay….I don’t blame her.”

tW:  “We’re just friends…”

M:  “A friend you take to lunch, go to happy hours with, yeah, that friend…I don’t even get lunch with you.  She gets long  lunches, that you buy…out of our account…total girlcrush.”

M:  “All the while, the little Mrs. is at home, cooking dinner, doing your laundry…”

tW:  “But I bought you a new washer & dryer to do the laundry.”

M:  “Like I said, I do your laundry…”

tW:  “You lose my socks.”

{crickets}

I am expecting new diamonds any time