Factual bad day.

A couple of facts:
2017 has been a way harsh shit show.
I am exhausted.

To be clear, I will take some, but not all, of the blame for the current state of affairs in my world. I own my part. But I am no longer in the market to own anyone else’s part in the bullshit that has dominated my life for the year 2017 and sadly, looks to be the way of the future.

Further, I have apologized for the last fucking time for anything that happened prior to this moment, or this one, or this one…you get my drift. Nope, not again. The “I’m sorry” store has closed.

I cannot change the past, nor am I in the mood to continue discussing it. I get it, I was a terrible person, I have done shitty things to people that I love. I get it. I have apologized and I have tried to move past it. I can’t continue to relive every single word, I can’t continue to have them bang around in my head and tear me apart, on a daily basis.

The only way a person can heal is to acknowledge the mess, learn from it and move forward. If you choose not to do so for yourself, I can’t do it for you. I have forgiven and asked for forgiveness. If you choose NOT to forgive me and stay away, that’s your choice. Not mine. But I will continue to respect the choice you make.

As I have always, ALWAYS, respected every choice every person around me has made. Trust me, it’s hard, being the control freak that I am, but I have. You may have different ideas, but that’s your opinion.

I’m no longer in the market to allow folks to “edit” me. If you want to express your opinion, write your own blog. Write in a journal, send a carrier pigeon, smoke signal, whatever This is mine. It’s not meant to hurt anyone, it’s not meant to pat my own back, to feed my narcissism, or whatever; it’s here, for me to share with others who may find comfort in it. It’s here to get it out of my head so I don’t go crazy.

I am bone weary with folks telling me what they think of me, of what I do, where I go, what I wear, what I eat. The shows I watch to the music I listen to. I am worn thin.

Because folks, whatever your opinion of me is, I can guarantee you, it’s not going to change me. 47 years old. I’m pretty set in my ways now. I can’t be controlled and am no longer interested in controlling anything other than the thermostat in the house.

I was taught at a young age that trust, love and respect need to be given unconditionally…at first. Then if they are abused, they have to be earned.

Except love. I was taught you love unconditionally, all the time. And I do. I always will…

The trust and respect, well, there’s a lot of folks that had that unconditionally with me…now they have to earn it. Because I will always, always love them, but the past has taught me that there are fewer people that I should trust. I always knew in the back of my mind, to not be so trusting, but I pushed it away. Now I know better. The respect thing…oh yeah, someone’s gonna have to work for that.

I’m angry. A lot of the time. I am sad. A lot of the time. I’m surly and cynical, I see the worst in everything. It’s debilitating. You wouldn’t know it, I don’t show it to more than one, maybe two people. I stay busy, because the busier I am, the less time I can sit and turn myself inside out. I’m not up for therapy, in any sense of the word…I’m too exhausted to even explain why I’m insane. I don’t have it in me to open up to anyone, not right now…maybe never.

I have learned this year, most folks don’t really care to hear my issues, problems or bullshit. They have their own to deal with. I have been so wrapped up in myself that I sit here, realizing that I haven’t really been there for anyone else in 2017. Like, seriously, I’m a complete shithead.

God. I am weary.

I want, for once, to not have to fight everyone. I want, for once, to not be ignored. To not have someone else’s feelings, thoughts or last word be more important than my own. I want, for once, that folks just shut up and listen.

At what point does my past, my mistakes, my missteps stop getting held against me?

Let me know, I may miss that point.

These Dreams. 

I don’t know how to interpret dreams, I suppose it’s for the best most times…then there are these…
We are moving my sister (again. lol), I don’t know where from or where to…I just know she’s moving.   Kris and I decide while we wait for my ever-late sister, we are going to go get donuts. 

On the way back, baby sister calls and says she’s on her way.  We get back to wherever we are supppsed to be and see my sister carrying the front end of a dresser. Kris pulls forward to park and as I glance out the window I see…him.

My dad.  Carrying the other end of the dresser.


“Kris! Kris!!!! Stop, stop!!!”

I get out of our vehicle after fighting with my seatbelt, I run to him. My dad.  


I grab him around the neck, I’m hugging, I’m crying.  I’m never wanting to let go.  

“Dad! I’m sorry, it’s been so long!  I miss you, I love you!”

He hugs back, I can smell his cologne.  I can feel his big warm hug.

“Hello baby, it’s okay.  I love you.  I miss you.  It’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.  I love you.”

And just like that, I wake up. 

I alternately love and hate my dreams. 

Birthday Wish

It’s my birthday.  47. When I was a child, this age was ancient.  I mean cryptkeeper old.  

Now, I’m the best me I’ve ever been.   

I have had some of the worst experiences of my life in 2017 to be tempered by some of the best.  I have been in the darkest place of my life and am slowly, SLOWLY coming out of it.  It’s been months of soul searching and hard truths.  It’s been months of realizing I’m not all the horrible things I have been told that I am and realizing that my life has value.  That through the tears and anger, I also have laughter and love.  Lots of love.  

Yes, I’m 47.  I am an adult child of a mother that doesn’t give up.  She has taught me we all make mistakes and we have to stand against the roar of negativity and find joy. 

Yes, I’m 47.  I am the adult big sister to a baby sister that has fallen down more than most and has shown me that she will persevere, she will get up, be humble and learn the lesson in her own time.  

Yes, I’m 47. I am the mother to two adult children.  Two children that I love with every fiber of my being.  Two people that I grew, delivered, nursed and nurtured.  I taught them to read, their phone number and how to tie their shoes. (The most painful lesson ever!). They look like me, have my stubborn streak and sharp tongue and wit.  I hope, with my last breath, they remember I taught them unconditional love and forgiveness.  

Yes, I’m 47.  I am the wife of the most incredible woman to walk this rock.   She has taken care of me and my family without a second thought and very few thank yous.  This woman, makes my days better and makes me safer than I can put into words.  To say it is an honor to be loved by her is an understatement.  To share my life, my days and nights with her is a gift. She will be next to me when I take my last breath and that gives me comfort. 

In forty six years, I have loved and lost.  I have made mistakes and reached for the stars.  I have laughed and I have cried.  I have sinned and I have been forgiven.  

I have lost amazing people that I carry in my heart everyday.  That have given me a taste of morality.  I have to embrace every day.  To honor them.  To honor me.  

I have reconnected with people I thought were lost to me.  And that is a gift greater than words express.  

I have embraced people in my world that have become part of my chosen family and they are irreplaceable in my heart and part of my soul. 

Yes, I’m 47.  My birthday wish to love, to laugh, to remember my history, to honor myself and to live everyday to the best that I can.  

I’m going to spend my days and years, finding a blessing in each day.  

My birthday wish…to find joy.  

Somebody Else.

There are days when I don’t think I can bear any more hurt in the world, any more pain in my heart…then I remember…
Someone else is thinking the same thing, only theirs is worse than anything I am feeling right now.
Someone else is figuring out how to get through one more moment, take one more step, one more breath.

Someone else is battling. And someone else is winning, while another is losing.  Yet they are doing so, with all the grace they can muster.

Someone else pulled themselves out of darkness, into the light.

Someone else feels like the darkness will consume them.

Someone else fell in love, while another had their heart broken.

Someone else said “hello,” while another said goodbye.

At the end of my day, as I head into my 46th year,  I will remember a tiny voice, in the dusty corners of my mind, whispering…

“you can always be somebody else…”

Gimme a minute.

Ever wonder what a thunderbolt feels like?  Well, I just had it happen and let me tell you…now, I just feel alone and wanna cry.  Just cry until there is nothing left.

About a year ago, my best friend decided that she would do something that would forever and irreparably change our friendship.  And by change, I mean blow it apart.  I’ll take my responsibility in it’s demise, because I thought to save her, from herself, from the unknown.  Only it got twisted around on me and now I am best friend-less.  I mourn it like a death, which is fitting, because she did text “you are dead to me” on that fateful night/early morning.  I have more good days than bad.  I no longer dwell on it.  It is what it is.  I can’t go back, I can’t fix it, I can’t change it…or her.  It’s definitely changed me and I honestly wish her well, but away from me.

I have people that surround me and love me fiercely.  I have found this to be truer in the past year, than ever before.  I have strength and lightness, I laugh, I breathe…I’m okay.  I’m better than okay…life is sweet and I am blessed beyond measure.  And in reading the texts and emails over and over to get my head around what happened, I realize there is more in my world than the bestie and just how much energy she soaked up in the last 8 months of our friendship.  Good.God.  Doesn’t take away from the fact that she is part of my history and I miss her ALL THE TIME, but I didn’t realize that the darkness had crept into our friendship until I could see it afterwards.  And had people tell me I wasn’t crazy, that I wasn’t wrong…that they loved me.

I have also realized I will never have another friend like the bestie.  That the milestone events in my life have for the most part, happened (birth, death, divorce, coming out, etc.) and she shared them.  That there were no events like this on my horizon and nothing to take a friendship to the level that ours was.  I told the wife “I don’t have the energy to start over again.  I have you.  I have my kids, my family, my friends…it has to be enough.  I can’t do that again.”

There have been two occasions lately where I really needed her.  I needed that bestie that just “got me.” someone to talk to me, to make me feel a little bit better about choices I made, to tell me if I was wrong in the best way possible.  The wife has tried to help me through both.  The daughter has weighed in…here’s my problem with this…

One is my wife.  One is my daughter.

I know, I know, the adage…”you should always marry your best friend!”  I have.  This woman makes me laugh until I pee.  She holds me when I am sad and pisses me off to a level that not many others can.  She is my protector, my comfort, my laughter and joy.  But there are times that even she gets testy at my neuroses, I mean really…who wouldn’t?  There are times I need to hide my insecurity and show her how confident I am.  I need to have someone other than my wife tell me “no, she’s ugly, you’re way prettier!” or “you’re right, she is a total bitch!”  or “you’re a great mother/wife/sister/daughter!” Because my wife is supposed to tell me such things, it’s in the vows (somewhere!) so, I need an outside opinion every once in a while…because I am such a needy mess of mascara, the wife needs backup sometimes.  Sometimes, she needs a break, even if she won’t admit it.

The Daughter…God, I screwed up so much as her mother, I am grateful she talks to me.  She was my firstborn, by starter child, the one I made 99% of my mistakes with.  That she is as incredible as she is, is a testament to her fortitude as a human.  And she is wise beyond her years.  Which has made her vulnerable to mommy being needy.  And that’s not fair.  She’s trying to learn her own way, she doesn’t need to spend her time comforting or affirming that I am a good mommy or a good person.  She doesn’t need to see behind the curtain and realize her mommy is neurotic and a mess and not nearly as put together as she wants everyone to think she is.  No…she shouldn’t shoulder the weight of this bullshit…but it sure is easy to talk to her and that makes it way too easy to involve her in things that she shouldn’t have to worry about.

Anyway, twice.  this second time, I actually texted the Daughter, “Sorry you’ve become my best friend.  There was an opening.”

I then burst into tears.

Damnit…I am stronger than this.  I don’t need a bestie.  I can do this alone.  right?

That thunderbolt literally made my head swim.  I have to do this alone.  I no longer have a choice.  By saving someone from themselves, I no longer have a choice to have my bestie.   I made a choice to save her, sacrifice the friendship…thinking “oh, we’ll get through this, we always do.”  And I have never been more wrong about anything in my life.

That thunderbolt made me realize, I don’t know that aside from the aforementioned souls, I don’t think I have ever had anyone just “pick my side.”  And it alternately pisses me off and renders me immobile.  I left it all on the table with the bestie.  That it was me and her, and anyone else was just someone we let in. But never as close as we were.  No one else gets the fart jokes, or Stoogle, or the years of tears and laughter.  Now, I got no one.  In my tunnel vision of loyalty and love…it was the bestie and I…and I didn’t leave room for anyone else and that has been a rookie mistake.  It’s my own doing and I am gonna sit here and be pathetic.

I’ll be okay in a minute.


Lessons learned.

Good God, this year can’t end fast enough.  I am completely over it.  It’s been a year of extreme highs and painful lows.  I have found myself questioning things I shouldn’t and ignoring warning signs.  Like I have, all my life.

I am the kind of person that will drag something or someone well beyond the expiration date.  I will see the better in people long after they have shown me their true colors.  I will not see the better in myself despite people telling me otherwise.  I refuse to see what is apparently right in front of me most of the time.  But I learn lessons.  I learn them the HARDEST way possible…but hey, I learn.

Lesson – Sometimes you have to give up.
This was a hard one to learn.  I had to give up on a friendship that I never thought I would lose.  It was heart breaking and caused me more pain and stress than I can express.  I learned that loving someone isn’t always the “fix-it” and that no matter how much support I throw at a person, it’s not enough.  In the end, when someone tells you they are suicidal, they have written THE note and to be peaceful…you don’t take chances.  You call the cops.  And then you deal with the fact that they no longer want to be your friend because they have issues, not me.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  They did.  They screwed up and in the aftermath, I have lost friends based on what the other persons “truth” is.  I have to be okay knowing that they are alive, hating me and staying surrounded by people who tell them what they want to hear.  Not the truth.  That for the last several years of this friendship, it was amazingly one-sided.  That I will feel used and thrown out for years.  I have to be okay with the fact that they know and I know what REALLY happened, that I have the text messages and there’s more than me that know what really happened.  But somehow I’m the one out in the cold, not the people who led them to that place.  Fuck it. I’m better off…for reals.

Lesson – Sometimes people love you, even though you think they don’t.
In the aftermath of this former friendship, I got to know some people that I knew loved me.  But I didn’t think I was important TO them.  In the months that have followed, I realized, I just didn’t make room for anyone else.  That in the past year, this “friend” had sucked up all of my life…there wasn’t room for anyone else, so they adjusted and made a life for themselves.  Then when I came back around, I was upset they weren’t waiting for me.  THANKFULLY, I spoke my truth, my embarrassment and my hurt…and they loved me through it.  In fact, I have a small group that have nursed me through this brutal fall.  And made sense and logic and made me feel not wrong.  I love my tribe of people.

Lesson – They are crazy, but they are mine.
I lament in here a LOT about my family.  How we tear at each other, how we say horrible things to each other, how we stay away from each other.  I also write about how we love each other, how we protect each other.  That no matter what we say to each other or about each other, we are all we have.  With the realization that my family name will end once my sister and I are gone, had made me sad…and appreciate my family in a way that I can’t describe.  Knowing you are the last of a family crest is a bit breathtaking, but making sure your family name goes out with honor and dignity, is an impactful in ways I can’t describe.

Lesson – You can’t hurt my feelings.  I have that power, not you.
I have spent a lifetime feeling slighted by the most innocent comment or non-comment.  I can get my feelings hurt by a comment left on social media, I freely admit it.  I can get my feelings hurt by your reaction to a gift, or if you don’t call me.  I am currently navigating the fact that when my children leave home, they don’t call me everyday…whether it’s the daughter that hasn’t lived at home in years or the boy who goes and spends the night with his sister and doesn’t call me.  I know, I KNOW, it’s crazy, but I’m that mommy.  dontjudgeme.

Lesson – You may not need me, because I did my job.
Hand in hand with the lesson above, I am the type of person that needs to be useful, to feel needed.  I am learning that if I have done my job correctly, my children will be self sufficient.  That if I have done my job correctly, my staff can work even if I take a week off.  That when I am no longer here, folks will be able to go on, to survive.  If I have done my job correctly.  And it’s okay to not be needed.  Wanted is much better.

Lesson –  I don’t NEED to eat a burger.
This is the biggest lesson I have learned this year and I am the better for this.  In July, I hit my heaviest, with high blood pressure, with high cholesterol, with depression and with no energy.  I have thrown myself in to a dietary change that has improved my life in ways that I can’t describe.  It’s 30+ pounds gone.  It’s 8 1/2 inches gone.  It’s consistently lower blood sugar and blood pressure.  It’s FIVE sizes in clothing.  It’s the boost in energy, confidence and disposition.  I feel better; I am happier; I am more positive than I have been in a long, long time.  I don’t plan on giving up, I plan on losing, but never giving up.  I’ve become that person that is all about how to make differences in each day, how to count your blessings.  I want to share my joy…even if I am obnoxious.

Lesson – Not everything ends badly.
I am genetically a half-empty cup person.  I always think the worst is going to happen when the opposite usually proves me wrong.  Like…I thought we would have to move because landlord was selling our home and we ended up buying a house!  Or that the boy needed surgery and it was going to be a difficult recovery and it ended up being a minimal surgery and he’s currently recovering very well…I need to remember that there are forces at work in my life. That I put good out in the universe, I should expect the same back.  And by the same logic…karma is fair…everyone should remember that.

Lesson – don’t take anything for granted.
With all the tragedy we see these days in the media, I have to remind myself that each day is a gift, that people, in the midst of the worst times, will fall back on their faith in what they believe in and see the silver lining.  I don’t know how they do so, but with grace and faith, people in the worst of times, find love and forgiveness.  I will forever stand in awe of this power, this undeniable gratitude for life and love.  If more folks were as aware of this, instead of the blame and indignation they muster from the sidelines, the world would be a much better place.

Lesson – she loves me.  Unconditionally.
This has been a hard year for me.  But don’t let me for moment forget that as hard as it has been on me, I have children and a wife that are closely impacted by my moods, my attitude and what is happening in my world. My wife has stood by me, through thick and thin with my kids, my drama, my family.   She has held my hand as I cried, ducked as I yelled and laughed with me.  When I worried, she was there to assure me.  She had fought with my kids, for my kids, in spite of my kids.  She is the passion of my life.  I am lost without her.  So when she tells me she loves me…

Less0n – those kids…they love me too.
I never waver in the fact that they are my whole reason for being…I never waver in the fact that I love them more than I love myself.  I have never had two people that make me more insane in my life and I love every moment of it.  They are mouthy, they are opinionated, they are bold.  Their manners are for shit at home, yet somehow, they don’t act like apes in public.  I can’t get the boy to pick up his shoes, dirty clothes or food wrappers, yet he won’t leave the house without cologne or his hair perfectly in place.  The daughter was my biggest opponent to ALL THINGS during her late tenure at home…her room was a pigsty and she rebelled against every stinking rule I made…but her own home, is impeccable, she lives by her own rules (which closely resemble the ones she grew up with) and she is successfully navigating her world.  I would never take all the credit for these two amazing beings…oh hell…yes I will.  I did this.  I see me all over both of them.  Whether or not they choose to believe me, I left a mark on both of them…and I couldn’t be prouder.

Yes, it’s been a year of growth, of self-learning and loving.  This year needs to end.  I need to put the past behind me, live in the present and dream about the future.

Happy New Year folks…may your dreams become your reality, may your reality live up to your dreams…




Tiny reminders.

Earlier today, the wife e-mailed me and at the end of the email, there was one small word that reminded me of strength. 


There’s strength in togetherness.  It means you belong, that you aren’t n this crazy thing called life alone. 

I find strength in my wife, my children, my family, my friends and my job.  I find there is togetherness even in the smallest moments, or the smallest words.  


I’ve learned that two can be a together, so can three or four…as many as you need.   That when you are a together, each person supports the other, loves and shares. Together.  There is respect and joy. Honesty and integrity.  Without all of this, together doesn’t happen. 


When you think you are all alone, when you think that no one is in your corner, reach out to someone, don’t worry about if they have time, want to be bothered, there’s too much happening, you aren’t close or you’re afraid of being mocked, judged, teased or ignored. Take a chance, lean into a friend…trust yourself, trust them. 

Then you are in it, together.