Good God, this year can’t end fast enough. I am completely over it. It’s been a year of extreme highs and painful lows. I have found myself questioning things I shouldn’t and ignoring warning signs. Like I have, all my life.
I am the kind of person that will drag something or someone well beyond the expiration date. I will see the better in people long after they have shown me their true colors. I will not see the better in myself despite people telling me otherwise. I refuse to see what is apparently right in front of me most of the time. But I learn lessons. I learn them the HARDEST way possible…but hey, I learn.
Lesson – Sometimes you have to give up.
This was a hard one to learn. I had to give up on a friendship that I never thought I would lose. It was heart breaking and caused me more pain and stress than I can express. I learned that loving someone isn’t always the “fix-it” and that no matter how much support I throw at a person, it’s not enough. In the end, when someone tells you they are suicidal, they have written THE note and to be peaceful…you don’t take chances. You call the cops. And then you deal with the fact that they no longer want to be your friend because they have issues, not me. I didn’t do anything wrong. They did. They screwed up and in the aftermath, I have lost friends based on what the other persons “truth” is. I have to be okay knowing that they are alive, hating me and staying surrounded by people who tell them what they want to hear. Not the truth. That for the last several years of this friendship, it was amazingly one-sided. That I will feel used and thrown out for years. I have to be okay with the fact that they know and I know what REALLY happened, that I have the text messages and there’s more than me that know what really happened. But somehow I’m the one out in the cold, not the people who led them to that place. Fuck it. I’m better off…for reals.
Lesson – Sometimes people love you, even though you think they don’t.
In the aftermath of this former friendship, I got to know some people that I knew loved me. But I didn’t think I was important TO them. In the months that have followed, I realized, I just didn’t make room for anyone else. That in the past year, this “friend” had sucked up all of my life…there wasn’t room for anyone else, so they adjusted and made a life for themselves. Then when I came back around, I was upset they weren’t waiting for me. THANKFULLY, I spoke my truth, my embarrassment and my hurt…and they loved me through it. In fact, I have a small group that have nursed me through this brutal fall. And made sense and logic and made me feel not wrong. I love my tribe of people.
Lesson – They are crazy, but they are mine.
I lament in here a LOT about my family. How we tear at each other, how we say horrible things to each other, how we stay away from each other. I also write about how we love each other, how we protect each other. That no matter what we say to each other or about each other, we are all we have. With the realization that my family name will end once my sister and I are gone, had made me sad…and appreciate my family in a way that I can’t describe. Knowing you are the last of a family crest is a bit breathtaking, but making sure your family name goes out with honor and dignity, is an impactful in ways I can’t describe.
Lesson – You can’t hurt my feelings. I have that power, not you.
I have spent a lifetime feeling slighted by the most innocent comment or non-comment. I can get my feelings hurt by a comment left on social media, I freely admit it. I can get my feelings hurt by your reaction to a gift, or if you don’t call me. I am currently navigating the fact that when my children leave home, they don’t call me everyday…whether it’s the daughter that hasn’t lived at home in years or the boy who goes and spends the night with his sister and doesn’t call me. I know, I KNOW, it’s crazy, but I’m that mommy. dontjudgeme.
Lesson – You may not need me, because I did my job.
Hand in hand with the lesson above, I am the type of person that needs to be useful, to feel needed. I am learning that if I have done my job correctly, my children will be self sufficient. That if I have done my job correctly, my staff can work even if I take a week off. That when I am no longer here, folks will be able to go on, to survive. If I have done my job correctly. And it’s okay to not be needed. Wanted is much better.
Lesson – I don’t NEED to eat a burger.
This is the biggest lesson I have learned this year and I am the better for this. In July, I hit my heaviest, with high blood pressure, with high cholesterol, with depression and with no energy. I have thrown myself in to a dietary change that has improved my life in ways that I can’t describe. It’s 30+ pounds gone. It’s 8 1/2 inches gone. It’s consistently lower blood sugar and blood pressure. It’s FIVE sizes in clothing. It’s the boost in energy, confidence and disposition. I feel better; I am happier; I am more positive than I have been in a long, long time. I don’t plan on giving up, I plan on losing, but never giving up. I’ve become that person that is all about how to make differences in each day, how to count your blessings. I want to share my joy…even if I am obnoxious.
Lesson – Not everything ends badly.
I am genetically a half-empty cup person. I always think the worst is going to happen when the opposite usually proves me wrong. Like…I thought we would have to move because landlord was selling our home and we ended up buying a house! Or that the boy needed surgery and it was going to be a difficult recovery and it ended up being a minimal surgery and he’s currently recovering very well…I need to remember that there are forces at work in my life. That I put good out in the universe, I should expect the same back. And by the same logic…karma is fair…everyone should remember that.
Lesson – don’t take anything for granted.
With all the tragedy we see these days in the media, I have to remind myself that each day is a gift, that people, in the midst of the worst times, will fall back on their faith in what they believe in and see the silver lining. I don’t know how they do so, but with grace and faith, people in the worst of times, find love and forgiveness. I will forever stand in awe of this power, this undeniable gratitude for life and love. If more folks were as aware of this, instead of the blame and indignation they muster from the sidelines, the world would be a much better place.
Lesson – she loves me. Unconditionally.
This has been a hard year for me. But don’t let me for moment forget that as hard as it has been on me, I have children and a wife that are closely impacted by my moods, my attitude and what is happening in my world. My wife has stood by me, through thick and thin with my kids, my drama, my family. She has held my hand as I cried, ducked as I yelled and laughed with me. When I worried, she was there to assure me. She had fought with my kids, for my kids, in spite of my kids. She is the passion of my life. I am lost without her. So when she tells me she loves me…
Less0n – those kids…they love me too.
I never waver in the fact that they are my whole reason for being…I never waver in the fact that I love them more than I love myself. I have never had two people that make me more insane in my life and I love every moment of it. They are mouthy, they are opinionated, they are bold. Their manners are for shit at home, yet somehow, they don’t act like apes in public. I can’t get the boy to pick up his shoes, dirty clothes or food wrappers, yet he won’t leave the house without cologne or his hair perfectly in place. The daughter was my biggest opponent to ALL THINGS during her late tenure at home…her room was a pigsty and she rebelled against every stinking rule I made…but her own home, is impeccable, she lives by her own rules (which closely resemble the ones she grew up with) and she is successfully navigating her world. I would never take all the credit for these two amazing beings…oh hell…yes I will. I did this. I see me all over both of them. Whether or not they choose to believe me, I left a mark on both of them…and I couldn’t be prouder.
Yes, it’s been a year of growth, of self-learning and loving. This year needs to end. I need to put the past behind me, live in the present and dream about the future.
Happy New Year folks…may your dreams become your reality, may your reality live up to your dreams…