Somebody Else.

There are days when I don’t think I can bear any more hurt in the world, any more pain in my heart…then I remember…
Someone else is thinking the same thing, only theirs is worse than anything I am feeling right now.
Someone else is figuring out how to get through one more moment, take one more step, one more breath.

Someone else is battling. And someone else is winning, while another is losing.  Yet they are doing so, with all the grace they can muster.

Someone else pulled themselves out of darkness, into the light.

Someone else feels like the darkness will consume them.

Someone else fell in love, while another had their heart broken.

Someone else said “hello,” while another said goodbye.

At the end of my day, as I head into my 46th year,  I will remember a tiny voice, in the dusty corners of my mind, whispering…

“you can always be somebody else…”

Lessons learned.

Good God, this year can’t end fast enough.  I am completely over it.  It’s been a year of extreme highs and painful lows.  I have found myself questioning things I shouldn’t and ignoring warning signs.  Like I have, all my life.

I am the kind of person that will drag something or someone well beyond the expiration date.  I will see the better in people long after they have shown me their true colors.  I will not see the better in myself despite people telling me otherwise.  I refuse to see what is apparently right in front of me most of the time.  But I learn lessons.  I learn them the HARDEST way possible…but hey, I learn.

Lesson – Sometimes you have to give up.
This was a hard one to learn.  I had to give up on a friendship that I never thought I would lose.  It was heart breaking and caused me more pain and stress than I can express.  I learned that loving someone isn’t always the “fix-it” and that no matter how much support I throw at a person, it’s not enough.  In the end, when someone tells you they are suicidal, they have written THE note and to be peaceful…you don’t take chances.  You call the cops.  And then you deal with the fact that they no longer want to be your friend because they have issues, not me.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  They did.  They screwed up and in the aftermath, I have lost friends based on what the other persons “truth” is.  I have to be okay knowing that they are alive, hating me and staying surrounded by people who tell them what they want to hear.  Not the truth.  That for the last several years of this friendship, it was amazingly one-sided.  That I will feel used and thrown out for years.  I have to be okay with the fact that they know and I know what REALLY happened, that I have the text messages and there’s more than me that know what really happened.  But somehow I’m the one out in the cold, not the people who led them to that place.  Fuck it. I’m better off…for reals.

Lesson – Sometimes people love you, even though you think they don’t.
In the aftermath of this former friendship, I got to know some people that I knew loved me.  But I didn’t think I was important TO them.  In the months that have followed, I realized, I just didn’t make room for anyone else.  That in the past year, this “friend” had sucked up all of my life…there wasn’t room for anyone else, so they adjusted and made a life for themselves.  Then when I came back around, I was upset they weren’t waiting for me.  THANKFULLY, I spoke my truth, my embarrassment and my hurt…and they loved me through it.  In fact, I have a small group that have nursed me through this brutal fall.  And made sense and logic and made me feel not wrong.  I love my tribe of people.

Lesson – They are crazy, but they are mine.
I lament in here a LOT about my family.  How we tear at each other, how we say horrible things to each other, how we stay away from each other.  I also write about how we love each other, how we protect each other.  That no matter what we say to each other or about each other, we are all we have.  With the realization that my family name will end once my sister and I are gone, had made me sad…and appreciate my family in a way that I can’t describe.  Knowing you are the last of a family crest is a bit breathtaking, but making sure your family name goes out with honor and dignity, is an impactful in ways I can’t describe.

Lesson – You can’t hurt my feelings.  I have that power, not you.
I have spent a lifetime feeling slighted by the most innocent comment or non-comment.  I can get my feelings hurt by a comment left on social media, I freely admit it.  I can get my feelings hurt by your reaction to a gift, or if you don’t call me.  I am currently navigating the fact that when my children leave home, they don’t call me everyday…whether it’s the daughter that hasn’t lived at home in years or the boy who goes and spends the night with his sister and doesn’t call me.  I know, I KNOW, it’s crazy, but I’m that mommy.  dontjudgeme.

Lesson – You may not need me, because I did my job.
Hand in hand with the lesson above, I am the type of person that needs to be useful, to feel needed.  I am learning that if I have done my job correctly, my children will be self sufficient.  That if I have done my job correctly, my staff can work even if I take a week off.  That when I am no longer here, folks will be able to go on, to survive.  If I have done my job correctly.  And it’s okay to not be needed.  Wanted is much better.

Lesson –  I don’t NEED to eat a burger.
This is the biggest lesson I have learned this year and I am the better for this.  In July, I hit my heaviest, with high blood pressure, with high cholesterol, with depression and with no energy.  I have thrown myself in to a dietary change that has improved my life in ways that I can’t describe.  It’s 30+ pounds gone.  It’s 8 1/2 inches gone.  It’s consistently lower blood sugar and blood pressure.  It’s FIVE sizes in clothing.  It’s the boost in energy, confidence and disposition.  I feel better; I am happier; I am more positive than I have been in a long, long time.  I don’t plan on giving up, I plan on losing, but never giving up.  I’ve become that person that is all about how to make differences in each day, how to count your blessings.  I want to share my joy…even if I am obnoxious.

Lesson – Not everything ends badly.
I am genetically a half-empty cup person.  I always think the worst is going to happen when the opposite usually proves me wrong.  Like…I thought we would have to move because landlord was selling our home and we ended up buying a house!  Or that the boy needed surgery and it was going to be a difficult recovery and it ended up being a minimal surgery and he’s currently recovering very well…I need to remember that there are forces at work in my life. That I put good out in the universe, I should expect the same back.  And by the same logic…karma is fair…everyone should remember that.

Lesson – don’t take anything for granted.
With all the tragedy we see these days in the media, I have to remind myself that each day is a gift, that people, in the midst of the worst times, will fall back on their faith in what they believe in and see the silver lining.  I don’t know how they do so, but with grace and faith, people in the worst of times, find love and forgiveness.  I will forever stand in awe of this power, this undeniable gratitude for life and love.  If more folks were as aware of this, instead of the blame and indignation they muster from the sidelines, the world would be a much better place.

Lesson – she loves me.  Unconditionally.
This has been a hard year for me.  But don’t let me for moment forget that as hard as it has been on me, I have children and a wife that are closely impacted by my moods, my attitude and what is happening in my world. My wife has stood by me, through thick and thin with my kids, my drama, my family.   She has held my hand as I cried, ducked as I yelled and laughed with me.  When I worried, she was there to assure me.  She had fought with my kids, for my kids, in spite of my kids.  She is the passion of my life.  I am lost without her.  So when she tells me she loves me…

Less0n – those kids…they love me too.
I never waver in the fact that they are my whole reason for being…I never waver in the fact that I love them more than I love myself.  I have never had two people that make me more insane in my life and I love every moment of it.  They are mouthy, they are opinionated, they are bold.  Their manners are for shit at home, yet somehow, they don’t act like apes in public.  I can’t get the boy to pick up his shoes, dirty clothes or food wrappers, yet he won’t leave the house without cologne or his hair perfectly in place.  The daughter was my biggest opponent to ALL THINGS during her late tenure at home…her room was a pigsty and she rebelled against every stinking rule I made…but her own home, is impeccable, she lives by her own rules (which closely resemble the ones she grew up with) and she is successfully navigating her world.  I would never take all the credit for these two amazing beings…oh hell…yes I will.  I did this.  I see me all over both of them.  Whether or not they choose to believe me, I left a mark on both of them…and I couldn’t be prouder.

Yes, it’s been a year of growth, of self-learning and loving.  This year needs to end.  I need to put the past behind me, live in the present and dream about the future.

Happy New Year folks…may your dreams become your reality, may your reality live up to your dreams…

 

 

 

Tiny reminders.

Earlier today, the wife e-mailed me and at the end of the email, there was one small word that reminded me of strength. 

Together. 

There’s strength in togetherness.  It means you belong, that you aren’t n this crazy thing called life alone. 

I find strength in my wife, my children, my family, my friends and my job.  I find there is togetherness even in the smallest moments, or the smallest words.  

Together. 

I’ve learned that two can be a together, so can three or four…as many as you need.   That when you are a together, each person supports the other, loves and shares. Together.  There is respect and joy. Honesty and integrity.  Without all of this, together doesn’t happen. 

Together. 

When you think you are all alone, when you think that no one is in your corner, reach out to someone, don’t worry about if they have time, want to be bothered, there’s too much happening, you aren’t close or you’re afraid of being mocked, judged, teased or ignored. Take a chance, lean into a friend…trust yourself, trust them. 

Then you are in it, together. 

You bother me.

I am becoming that old lady…you know, the one in her housecoat and sock/slipper combo…the one that stands on the front porch screaming at people.

Only I don’t have a front porch. Or a housecoat.  And I want new slippers.

But I do have this here blog.  I use it a lot to scream at people.  Typically, to think of others and to try and be a better person.  Mostly, to talk about how I’m always in a bad mood and how I allow others to dictate my moods.  How I allow others to hurt my feelings because people suck in general and don’t care.

so, I have this blog…let me tell you a “few” things that bother me.

  • Untied shoes.  How lazy can you be?  bend in the middle, make rabbit ears, loop one over the other and pull.  And you don’t trip and fall and look stupid.  You’re welcome.
  • Lip liner that is darker than your lipstick.  Or lip liner and no lipstick.  Who taught you that?  Who tells you that is a good look?  it’s not.  stop doing it.
  • Leggings worn as pants.  Unless you are wearing a long sweater, tunic or dress…stop wearing these as pants.  It’s not sexy.  I can see your underwear. Or lack of said underwear.
  • If you see me eating, don’t stop and decide to have a doctoral dissertation with me about anything.  I am eating…mouth is full of food, not words.  If you have to speak to me, ask me a question I can nod or shake my head to.  If it’s more, then wait for me to finish…you aren’t a waiter.
  • Stop turning your young daughters into whores.  If they are under the age of 18 they should not be gyrating like a stripper.  DON’T get me started on the twerking thing.  Don’t turn your child into a prostitot.
  • The fact that Hollywood is remaking every movie of my childhood.  Leave John Hughes movies alone…for the love of all things holy.
  • That TNT cancelled Dallas.
  • That ABC cancelled Pushing Daisies.
  • That Liz is still in the house.  Or that I have to watch her with Austin.  Ugh.
  • The fact that my wife has not realized I purposefully leave the toilet paper roll empty…or that it is the same toilet paper roll and I change it out to mess with her.  I’ve done this since June…she hasn’t said a word…now that I have put this out here, she will say she’s known all along.
  • That the Boy has to have the last word.  I thought that was a female thing…is it a teenage thing?
  • Miley Cyrus.  And that anyone has the absolute worst taste to like anything about her.
  • Caitlyn Jenner.  I’m over her, the notoriety of it all….she plays the victim so well, she should carry her own body chalk.  I don’t know that she’s done anything to advance the transgender conversation…has she?  Did I miss it?  Did she help?  Cause I all I remember is she is a transgender woman that thinks others “like her” get too many handouts.  How very republican of said woman.  I quit listening.
  • Duggar anything.  Quickly followed by Kim Davis anything.  Quickly followed by Donald Trump anything.  Stupid bothers me, they have it in spades.
  • Kids on Mountain Dew.  Just give them crack.  For reals…that drink is terrible for anyone…especially a kid sitting, standing, jumping, dancing all at once in front of me at a football game.
  • Don’t tell me you are on a diet as I watch you eat a double burger and you call it a “cheat day”.  I haven’t had a burger in months.  You’re a dick.
  • The fact that I haven’t had a burger and am actually still counting in days.  Like it’s actually been 67 days and I changed that in the fact above to look less mental.
  • My protein drink in the mornings.  I call it butthole protein.  I imagine if I had to taste a butthole, it’s what one would taste like.  I have tried everything to make it better.  Nothing helps.  But I like the results of the protein, so I have decided to continue drinking the butthole protein….only I take it like a shot of liquor.  if I can get it down in 15 seconds, I am better….anything longer, I want to cry.
  • The fact that I can’t find the house shoes I want, in my size, in red.

But thank you for letting me scream.  You all make me smile.