I’m having a hard time expressing myself lately. Actually, I’ve had a hard time expressing myself for the better part of 2016 and it seems to be rolling into 2017.
I could blame Trump and the rabid close-minded shrewish Republicans, but I don’t think it’s all them. I mean, it’s mostly a general sadness that has enveloped me since November and I am to this moment, STILL trying to wrap my head around anyone actually justifying how he is the right choice. I am trying to STILL wrap my head around the fact that I have family that voted for him. VOTED.FOR.HIM. my family/in-laws/cousins/folks close to me. yup. I’m gay, married and they voted for someone so vile and hateful. I’m obviously not over it, I’m obviously hurt and stunned. AND that sonofabitch got a mention in a holiday prayer I was involved in. Good.times.
Nope, it’s not all Trump. And it’s not all sadness. There is a distinct air of rage that is right under my edges. I feel it, like an extra 10 pounds on my frame. It just sits there. It’s been there so long, I feel lost if it goes away for a moment. Isn’t that strange? I feel lonely without my rage?
I have, for so long, allowed everyone and everything to overtake me. To come first. It’s been my life for as long as I have known it. When my dad made me promise to look after my family before he died, I promised and I meant it. Right now, I could punch him in the nose.
How dare he strap me down to people!!! Does he think that I would be strong enough to do this and not have it exhaust me? Did he not think me taking care of people would extend past my natural family and include my friends and sometimes complete strangers? He knew how literal I would take this and I have. To the point that I am pissed at everyone all the time.
All because I rescue. Because I try to be the bigger person and look past the bullshit. Because I have kept my opinions to myself for so long, they no longer matter or are relevant.
I had a friend tell me I needed to desperately get some therapy for myself. I agreed, the wife agreed…then people happened. I had things and folks pop up in front of me that needed my attention more than I needed it for myself. At least that’s what I am telling me.
I think my rage is this…I have allowed others to make their issues and problems more important than my own happiness. I have allowed every other person around me to demand my attention and use it all up so I have nothing left for me.
I rage because I am held responsible for other folks, for decision made that don’t include me. I’m responsible for the happiness of friends and family and I can’t tell you one person that actually gives a complete shit about my happiness. INCLUDING me. what the f*ck is that??!!?
I rage because for years, I have heard “you’ve changed.” Yes. I. Have. you say it like it’s a bad thing…but what anyone who says that fails to realize is because YOU have abused my good nature, my trust, my friendship, my loyalty…YOU CHANGED ME. and then you blame me for not being the same person before you sucked the life out of me. SO congratulations…I am who I am because of YOU.
I’m thisclose to a nervous breakdown and that pisses me off.
I firmly point that pissed off finger at myself. I’ve done this. Now I have to figure out how to get out of it. I know, as this process starts, I’m gonna hurt a lot of folks because they aren’t used to be not being this way…this “fix it” person. Folks, you are on your own.
I talk a good game, about being different. I don’t know HOW to be different and I have to figure out how to be. That’s where I guess the therapy is gonna come in. I’m going to have to pay someone to teach me how to put me first.
That is the stupidest sentence I have ever heard/read/written.
So, Future Stephanie
*will no longer be dealing with your shit. You screwed it up, YOU fix it. She’s out of the repair business.
*will no longer care about people who have shown her over and over they do not care about her.
*will no longer put anyone else’s needs before her own.
*will eat ice cream for dinner. and go to bed at 7:00 PM if she wants.
*will wear white after Labor day.
*will spend a ridiculous amount of money on foundation and not be sorry.
*will order dessert or shoes with no guilt that she is not taking care of something/someone.
*will no longer apologize for who she loves or how she loves
*will no longer make excuses for who she is friends with nor will she hide that fact.
*will no longer, never ever, walk on eggshells to spare feelings when hers are never spared.
*will apparently speak of herself in third person…which is funny…she thinks.
Seems like 2017 is gonna be the year of the Golden Rule.
This could be fun. This could be a bunch of hot air. I hope not. I could stand to lose 10 pounds.