Don’t tell me until I’m ready. 

I’ve learned I’m not always in the right frame of mind to receive news, good or bad, and when that happens, it takes me days to process how I feel.   I like structure in my life.   I’m not a person who is spontaneous in the way that everyday is unplanned.  I have moments that are like little surprises and I like them, mostly. But the control freak in me is more structured.

I hold my emotions much like this as well.  I don’t have a poker face, so I hold as much as I can as close as I can for as long as I can.  I let things simmer inside until I’m ready to deal with it.  Sometimes this works out well, sometimes it doesn’t.  It usually tends to end up here, with you, my therapists…

I found out a few days ago that someone I shared many years of my life with had died.  Not recently, but three years ago…about the time I started searching for them on the WorldWideWeb.  I’m not sure how I am dealing with this, as it’s a mix of sadness, bittersweet, guilt and shock.  I don’t like how this feels.  

She was a person I met through a friend.  She quickly became part of the family and we spent every holiday together.  I chose her child’s name when her and her husband couldn’t decide.  We spent weekends together.  She helped me move, I helped her move. We weren’t soul sisters, we weren’t besties, but we were good friends that felt like family and somehow through two divorces and my coming out, we drifted apart.  

I was at a big box store and the cashier recognized me. She was a mutual friend.  She then told me about our friend, how she had died, how the last of her life had been and if you had walked up to me, in the nude and peed on my leg, I would have been less shocked.  I’m still trying to figure it out.  

I walked away, I didn’t think twice, she moved on to a new life as she divorced about 18 months before me…I got it, she was single and had single friends.  She had every other weekend to be free to go out late and sleep in; I was married mommy of two that had recitals, weekend sports and laundry.  I didn’t make time, neither did she.  Our lives that had intersected ended.

I didn’t think of her for years, then around 2012, she popped in my mind and since then, I’ve looked for her, to reach out and catch up.  Now I know I can’t.  That moment has passed and it feels like an empty spot. I’m not sure how to get around it.  Or if I even need to.  

For some insane reason, I now miss her.  I want to tell her I’m sorry for being too busy to stay friendly. I want to hear about her life and her new husband.  If she was happy.  If she ever thought of me because I need to feel less guilty.  

I think I really wish the cashier hadn’t recognized me.  That I could have not thought about her.  Or her child.  Or those bittersweet memories.  That I didn’t sit and wonder how her life had been.  That seems so selfish of me, so self centered.  Her death has become about me, someone she hadn’t talked to in over 10 years.  I’m crazy, right?

I wasn’t ready to hear that news.  I wasn’t ready to have something that close to home. I’ve had other friends die, I don’t process it well at all, but this one had been closer.  This one was family for a time.  

In the end, she’s at peace, she was the person who would be grateful to finally be Home and she would never want anyone to be sad that she was gone, but happy because she had been a part of their life.  

Godspeed my friend, Godspeed. 

Not so fat days.

It’s been a while since I updated you on my progress…and I know you are on the edge of your seat waiting.  So here goes…

30 pounds, 6 1/2 inches. I have gone down 5 sizes in pants.  FIVE SIZES!!!!  Lowest blood pressure in 20 years and cholesterol getting lower all the time.  It’s still not as low as my doctor wants, but I refuse to take ANOTHER pill.  There is no more pre-existing diabetes diagnosis and I feel GREAT.

I sleep better, I have more energy. I am more positive and happier than I have been in forever…

I love me.

It’s not all easy.  I have gotten lazy a time or two, but I haven’t had a soda or burger in 6 months.  I eat cleaner and try to feed my family the same way, they don’t love it so much, but they love me, so they dig in.

Now I get people who can tell, who stop and say things to me.  I’ve been told I look great, that I am disappearing, that I am beautiful.  I no longer dismiss a compliment…I thank them.  This is a huge step.  I believe them.

So instead of fat days, I have wrinkly days.  Like I see new wrinkles all the time.  I had to quit using my mineral makeup because by the end of the day, I look like a map of the nations highways.  I’m assured it’s all in my mind, but I have to have something to not like, I suppose this is it.

I don’t feel fat.  I still don’t like full body photos, but I don’t hide any longer.   I don’t see the changes, I just know they are happening by the way my clothes hang now.

Fat people will tell you, they don’t dry their clothes.  They hang everything so it doesn’t shrink.  I now wash everything in hot water and dry it, hoping it will shrink.  I dream of exercising.  My knee no longer renders me immobile and I haven’t had a headache since August.

My doctor and nurses have began taking before and after photos.  She calls me “Skinny” when I come in.  I don’t dread my checkups. I plan to be one of their success stories. I don’t want to be anything more than I can be.

My friends, my work peeps and my family have been incredible.  I have the support of many and I keep that close in my mind, as inspiration, to not let them down. I won’t let me down.

When my kid tells me that she wants me to play with my grandchildren, it pushes me.  When my son tells me that he can tell and when the dress I just bought online is a little snug, to wait two weeks and it will be perfect, it pushes me. When my wife tells me how proud of me she is, it pushes me.

So folks, clean eating, it’s easier than you think…it takes commitment.  It takes loving yourself to push on.  If I can do this, you can join me.  I’m still chubby girl, but I’m happy, determined chubby girl.  I am empowered by my own success.  I want to share this with everyone.  I want to inspire others, to join others in their journey. I want to encourage you, everyone.

I have a goal…I have inspiration…try to stop me.

Lessons learned.

Good God, this year can’t end fast enough.  I am completely over it.  It’s been a year of extreme highs and painful lows.  I have found myself questioning things I shouldn’t and ignoring warning signs.  Like I have, all my life.

I am the kind of person that will drag something or someone well beyond the expiration date.  I will see the better in people long after they have shown me their true colors.  I will not see the better in myself despite people telling me otherwise.  I refuse to see what is apparently right in front of me most of the time.  But I learn lessons.  I learn them the HARDEST way possible…but hey, I learn.

Lesson – Sometimes you have to give up.
This was a hard one to learn.  I had to give up on a friendship that I never thought I would lose.  It was heart breaking and caused me more pain and stress than I can express.  I learned that loving someone isn’t always the “fix-it” and that no matter how much support I throw at a person, it’s not enough.  In the end, when someone tells you they are suicidal, they have written THE note and to be peaceful…you don’t take chances.  You call the cops.  And then you deal with the fact that they no longer want to be your friend because they have issues, not me.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  They did.  They screwed up and in the aftermath, I have lost friends based on what the other persons “truth” is.  I have to be okay knowing that they are alive, hating me and staying surrounded by people who tell them what they want to hear.  Not the truth.  That for the last several years of this friendship, it was amazingly one-sided.  That I will feel used and thrown out for years.  I have to be okay with the fact that they know and I know what REALLY happened, that I have the text messages and there’s more than me that know what really happened.  But somehow I’m the one out in the cold, not the people who led them to that place.  Fuck it. I’m better off…for reals.

Lesson – Sometimes people love you, even though you think they don’t.
In the aftermath of this former friendship, I got to know some people that I knew loved me.  But I didn’t think I was important TO them.  In the months that have followed, I realized, I just didn’t make room for anyone else.  That in the past year, this “friend” had sucked up all of my life…there wasn’t room for anyone else, so they adjusted and made a life for themselves.  Then when I came back around, I was upset they weren’t waiting for me.  THANKFULLY, I spoke my truth, my embarrassment and my hurt…and they loved me through it.  In fact, I have a small group that have nursed me through this brutal fall.  And made sense and logic and made me feel not wrong.  I love my tribe of people.

Lesson – They are crazy, but they are mine.
I lament in here a LOT about my family.  How we tear at each other, how we say horrible things to each other, how we stay away from each other.  I also write about how we love each other, how we protect each other.  That no matter what we say to each other or about each other, we are all we have.  With the realization that my family name will end once my sister and I are gone, had made me sad…and appreciate my family in a way that I can’t describe.  Knowing you are the last of a family crest is a bit breathtaking, but making sure your family name goes out with honor and dignity, is an impactful in ways I can’t describe.

Lesson – You can’t hurt my feelings.  I have that power, not you.
I have spent a lifetime feeling slighted by the most innocent comment or non-comment.  I can get my feelings hurt by a comment left on social media, I freely admit it.  I can get my feelings hurt by your reaction to a gift, or if you don’t call me.  I am currently navigating the fact that when my children leave home, they don’t call me everyday…whether it’s the daughter that hasn’t lived at home in years or the boy who goes and spends the night with his sister and doesn’t call me.  I know, I KNOW, it’s crazy, but I’m that mommy.  dontjudgeme.

Lesson – You may not need me, because I did my job.
Hand in hand with the lesson above, I am the type of person that needs to be useful, to feel needed.  I am learning that if I have done my job correctly, my children will be self sufficient.  That if I have done my job correctly, my staff can work even if I take a week off.  That when I am no longer here, folks will be able to go on, to survive.  If I have done my job correctly.  And it’s okay to not be needed.  Wanted is much better.

Lesson –  I don’t NEED to eat a burger.
This is the biggest lesson I have learned this year and I am the better for this.  In July, I hit my heaviest, with high blood pressure, with high cholesterol, with depression and with no energy.  I have thrown myself in to a dietary change that has improved my life in ways that I can’t describe.  It’s 30+ pounds gone.  It’s 8 1/2 inches gone.  It’s consistently lower blood sugar and blood pressure.  It’s FIVE sizes in clothing.  It’s the boost in energy, confidence and disposition.  I feel better; I am happier; I am more positive than I have been in a long, long time.  I don’t plan on giving up, I plan on losing, but never giving up.  I’ve become that person that is all about how to make differences in each day, how to count your blessings.  I want to share my joy…even if I am obnoxious.

Lesson – Not everything ends badly.
I am genetically a half-empty cup person.  I always think the worst is going to happen when the opposite usually proves me wrong.  Like…I thought we would have to move because landlord was selling our home and we ended up buying a house!  Or that the boy needed surgery and it was going to be a difficult recovery and it ended up being a minimal surgery and he’s currently recovering very well…I need to remember that there are forces at work in my life. That I put good out in the universe, I should expect the same back.  And by the same logic…karma is fair…everyone should remember that.

Lesson – don’t take anything for granted.
With all the tragedy we see these days in the media, I have to remind myself that each day is a gift, that people, in the midst of the worst times, will fall back on their faith in what they believe in and see the silver lining.  I don’t know how they do so, but with grace and faith, people in the worst of times, find love and forgiveness.  I will forever stand in awe of this power, this undeniable gratitude for life and love.  If more folks were as aware of this, instead of the blame and indignation they muster from the sidelines, the world would be a much better place.

Lesson – she loves me.  Unconditionally.
This has been a hard year for me.  But don’t let me for moment forget that as hard as it has been on me, I have children and a wife that are closely impacted by my moods, my attitude and what is happening in my world. My wife has stood by me, through thick and thin with my kids, my drama, my family.   She has held my hand as I cried, ducked as I yelled and laughed with me.  When I worried, she was there to assure me.  She had fought with my kids, for my kids, in spite of my kids.  She is the passion of my life.  I am lost without her.  So when she tells me she loves me…

Less0n – those kids…they love me too.
I never waver in the fact that they are my whole reason for being…I never waver in the fact that I love them more than I love myself.  I have never had two people that make me more insane in my life and I love every moment of it.  They are mouthy, they are opinionated, they are bold.  Their manners are for shit at home, yet somehow, they don’t act like apes in public.  I can’t get the boy to pick up his shoes, dirty clothes or food wrappers, yet he won’t leave the house without cologne or his hair perfectly in place.  The daughter was my biggest opponent to ALL THINGS during her late tenure at home…her room was a pigsty and she rebelled against every stinking rule I made…but her own home, is impeccable, she lives by her own rules (which closely resemble the ones she grew up with) and she is successfully navigating her world.  I would never take all the credit for these two amazing beings…oh hell…yes I will.  I did this.  I see me all over both of them.  Whether or not they choose to believe me, I left a mark on both of them…and I couldn’t be prouder.

Yes, it’s been a year of growth, of self-learning and loving.  This year needs to end.  I need to put the past behind me, live in the present and dream about the future.

Happy New Year folks…may your dreams become your reality, may your reality live up to your dreams…

 

 

 

30 days of highs, lows and an inappropriate observation. 

In no particular order, the following has happened in the last 30 days…

  • The wife and I realized we were hosting Thanksgiving and had seating for FOUR.  five, if you rolled the chair in from the computer desk.  
  • Found a table we fell in love with, then when the time came to purchase it, it was $200 cheaper than we initially planned for. 
  • The wife and I put that bitch of a table AND six chairs together.  It took 5 hours, but we did it and didn’t kill each other or the Boy. 
  • I proceeded to cook dinner for 15 and rendered myself damn near immobile by end of the day. 
  • Slept for 15 hours and woke up with the flu.  Or something else closely resembling death. 
  • I quarantined myself to the bedroom for 36 hours and the wife and Boy still got sick.
  • I have not watched a single episode of SVU in 10 days and I now know what withdrawal feels like…I don’t know how much more I can handle.  
  • I tried to watch Blackhat and thought I was losing my hearing…and my mind.  
  • Codiene cough syrup sleep is the best drool inducing sleep, ever.
  • Spent an evening with two of the most important friends I have and was allowed to finally rage and weep and mourn the end of a friendship while reigniting another one.
  • I have reconnected with a few dear people that I let my pride pull me away from.
  • I have realized that you can teach this old dog new tricks. 
  • I haven’t had a soda or junk food in 5 months and I feel incredible. 
  • A 46 year old gay man and a 17 year old boy will have the same reaction to a conversation that involves a vagina. 
  • That soul mates aren’t always romantic and I have several people who have filled my soul and made me whole. 
  • The wife and I have changed shower heads.  Twice.  We are waiting for our butch cards to arrive in the mail. Any day now. 
  • Our Christmas decorations are displayed before December 20th. 
  • We have lights on the outside…and they all work. 
  • I will find a nutcracker to buy in every store I walk into.  Including 7-11 or Petsmart. Don’t judge me.  
  • I am a magnet for all sorts of bullshit.  And that I handle said bullshit with amazing patience.  
  • I had to explain what “going HAM” was to the wife after I had used it correctly in a conversation.  
  • Used “on fleek” in the correct context.  
  • Have not yet had my freak out about the Boys upcoming surgery. But   we aren’t there yet.  
  • Have created a “to do” list with the wife of projects that are impressive and massive. 
  • Have learned I am inpatient about these projects. 
  • Had in depth discussions about vinyl vs. aluminum windows, gutters and landscaping.  
  • I watch too much HGTV. 
  • I need to play AND WIN the lottery. 
  • Bordered on a deep, uncomfortable conversation about tithing and God if I was to win the lottery. 
  • My hairdresser is convinced that my Vitamin D deficiency is due to my entry into menopause. Like I am joining a club…
  • Had an extremely awkward and hilarious conversation about panties with someone I was shocked to have such a conversation with.  
  • I have come to accept the fact I will not be seeing Star Wars the opening weekend.  And I’m okay with that.  
  • I have fallen in love with me again. Finally.  It feels wonderful. 

Here’s to more highs, more lows and more conversations about vaginas, panties and household improvements.

What’s been going on in your world???

Festive Dialogue. 

I love the holidays.  That isn’t a huge secret.  I’m not ashamed to admit it.  It starts with Halloween and finds it stride with Thanksgiving, then hits its peak with Christmas…

The wife and I have acquired a lot of Nutcrackers during our relationship. A lot. {insert favorite lesbian joke}  It just started a couple of years ago.  I guess if we won’t have children and she won’t give me a puppy…I will take little wooden men dressed in festive attire.

Today, I realized we are way not on the same page…not.at.all.

Me: “we have a lot of nutcrackers.  Like a bajillion.” (It’s a word)

Wife: “we do have a lot.  Do you think we have too many?”

Me: {blink blink} “too…many…?”

Wife: “maybe?”

Me: {crickets}

Wife: “we’ll just get more…”

I may have married a stranger…

Rules for shopping.

I try really, REALLY hard not to lose my shit in crowds, specifically grocery store crowds.  More specifically, WalMart crowds. Therefore, I submit the following rules.

  1. Have a list, a plan, an idea of WHAT you are needing at WalMart.  Learn from my experience, if you go in without any of the aforementioned items…you will spend the house pay, car payment and quite possibly the children’s college fund on items you absolutely don’t need.  Ever.
  2. KNOW THE FLOOR PLAN.  You will save yourself and those around you if you know where you are going and you will not find yourself spinning in circles on the dog food aisle because you forgot light bulbs across the store. Not that this has happened to me.
  3. Have an escape plan.   For real. The stuff you need will always be at the back of the store.  Be ready to take shortcuts and corners quickly to maintain your sanity.
  4. If you have Xanax, take one.  If not, find a friend…that has some, borrow it.
  5. Have bail money and a friends phone number memorized, just in case.
  6. Understand the RIGHT OF WAY. This isn’t Europe, it’s f*cking WalMart…damn.
  7. Yield.to.the.aisle. Don’t be a dick, allow people to merge.  I promise, I am not trying to get the last can of pumpkin pie filling, you can act like a human…
  8. If you have two or more children and another adult in the household, DON’T bring the entire family to the grocery store.  Leave the 3.4 children, the grandmother, aunt, husband, cousin and great-Uncle at the house.  Take them to the park for a family outing.  Not the store.
  9. Don’t smell test all the body spray.  Well, maybe you, you smell a bit musty…it may be helpful.
  10. Put your cart up. Do not watch me attempt to pull into a spot only to cockblock me by putting your cart at the end of said parking spot. Because I hate you.

Let’s try to work together, mmmmkay?

Happy Thanksgiving…fa lala lala

Tiny reminders.

Earlier today, the wife e-mailed me and at the end of the email, there was one small word that reminded me of strength. 

Together. 

There’s strength in togetherness.  It means you belong, that you aren’t n this crazy thing called life alone. 

I find strength in my wife, my children, my family, my friends and my job.  I find there is togetherness even in the smallest moments, or the smallest words.  

Together. 

I’ve learned that two can be a together, so can three or four…as many as you need.   That when you are a together, each person supports the other, loves and shares. Together.  There is respect and joy. Honesty and integrity.  Without all of this, together doesn’t happen. 

Together. 

When you think you are all alone, when you think that no one is in your corner, reach out to someone, don’t worry about if they have time, want to be bothered, there’s too much happening, you aren’t close or you’re afraid of being mocked, judged, teased or ignored. Take a chance, lean into a friend…trust yourself, trust them. 

Then you are in it, together.